Jokes anyone? -
- Thread starter p thompson
- Start date
I’m with you Larry. I am putting a Big Block Chevy in my Lola. I have only owned one Ford in my life. But, jokes are jokes. I roll just with the punches !!
Regards Brian
Regards Brian
That looks to be 200mph tape. Could be serious consequences !!
Bill Kearley
Supporter
I think that's a good picture representing my Boeing stock !!
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand-new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your Ex-Husband
PS don’t try to find me. Your SISTER, Carla, & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
.
.
.
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping, too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if I can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers, I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So, when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone ... Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So, take care.
Your Free and Rich EX-Wife
PS … I hope you and my SISTER have a great life.
By-The-Way, did she tell you her name use to be 'Carl' before her operation?...
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand-new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your Ex-Husband
PS don’t try to find me. Your SISTER, Carla, & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
.
.
.
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping, too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if I can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers, I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So, when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone ... Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So, take care.
Your Free and Rich EX-Wife
PS … I hope you and my SISTER have a great life.
By-The-Way, did she tell you her name use to be 'Carl' before her operation?...
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?" I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either. Women......!
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?" I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either. Women......!
After all that, our screen turned blue.
Ian Anderson
Lifetime Supporter
Then turn it off and get that little white dot!
'Can't remember if it happened at 11 P.M. or midnight (logic dictates it was the latter), but, after playing the National Anthem, radio stations shut down at night too...at which time all we heard was LOUD static.
"Kirk Wilde" (sp?) was the favorite local DJ where I lived back then. He had an imaginary 'sidekick'...an imaginary'radio station engineer he called "Phineas" with whom he had sporadic imaginary conversations at odd moments...and all "Phineas" ever said was ether "No...NOOOOOOOOOO!" or "That's RRRRRRRIGHT!" delivered in a sort of horse whinny fashion in reply to what were always 'yes' or 'no' questions.
I still remember, word-for-word, the sales pitch Wilde used hawking the chance to win his "polka dotted pajamas" in a goofy contest he concocted back then (those pajama's were a long story all by themselves). To this day I believe the contest's sole purpose was to troll for 'chicks'!
Good lord, that was 64 years ago! 'Can't believe I still remember all that stuff in my present state of deterioration...or decomposition.
Neil
Supporter
Neil
Supporter
Back in 1954 our family lived in Mannheim. There was a program then that had the objective of providing "vacations" for some of the young German children of West Berlin to experience life outside that divided city. American military families could volunteer to host kids to live with them in their homes for a short period of time.
We invited a girl about my sister's age, Heidi, and a younger boy, Reinhardt, to our home and it worked out fine. The kids enjoyed their time with us, learned a bit of English, and learned something of our culture. It was enjoyable having them with us.
Reinhardt was fascinated by our TV- he had never seen TV before and he would sit spellbound in front of it watching the test pattern that German TV broadcast during off-hours. Of course it was a static pattern, just like that example but he watched it!
We invited a girl about my sister's age, Heidi, and a younger boy, Reinhardt, to our home and it worked out fine. The kids enjoyed their time with us, learned a bit of English, and learned something of our culture. It was enjoyable having them with us.
Reinhardt was fascinated by our TV- he had never seen TV before and he would sit spellbound in front of it watching the test pattern that German TV broadcast during off-hours. Of course it was a static pattern, just like that example but he watched it!
Fast-forward 70 years, and kids are still staring at worthless crap on the screen...Back in 1954 our family lived in Mannheim. There was a program then that had the objective of providing "vacations" for some of the young German children of West Berlin to experience life outside that divided city. American military families could volunteer to host kids to live with them in their homes for a short period of time.
We invited a girl about my sister's age, Heidi, and a younger boy, Reinhardt, to our home and it worked out fine. The kids enjoyed their time with us, learned a bit of English, and learned something of our culture. It was enjoyable having them with us.
Reinhardt was fascinated by our TV- he had never seen TV before and he would sit spellbound in front of it watching the test pattern that German TV broadcast during off-hours. Of course it was a static pattern, just like that example but he watched it!
