[Bill Bayard]

While Andre recently dashed my belief in Santa Claus and ruined my holiday season, this morning I received a memo from Santa
himself, which has restored my faith in Christmas.


MEMO FROM SANTA:

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I(Santa Claus) will no longer serve any States south of the Mason/Dixon Line.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the world, my contract was renegotiated by NAE (North American Elves),Local 209. Under the new contract, I have less area of responsibility, better pay, and longer breaks for milk and cookies.
I'm sure that your children will be in good hands with my southern replacement, Cousin Bubba Claus. Cousin Bubba's family lives at the South Pole, and Bubba is a typical, pro-life, pro-gun, pro-nuke, anti-UN redneck. He does however share my love for children and the drive to deliver presents to all the kids in his area.

There are a few notable differences....

1. There is NO danger of the Grinch stealing the toys from Bubba. Bubba has a gun rack on his sleigh, and a bumper sticker that reads, "These gifts insured by Smith & Wesson".

2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba prefers that you leave an RC cola and a Moon Pie on the fireplace mantel for his snack. Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, but he dips Skoal, so you need to have a spitoon handy.

3.Bubba uses floppy eared coon dogs instead of reindeer, to pull his sleigh. I loaned him a couple of reindeer one year, and as a result, Blitzen's head is now mounted over Bubba's fireplace! These coon dogs are not named Comet, Cupid, Donner, or Blitzen, so you will probably hear Bubba shout,"On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliot, on Petty"

4.Ho, Ho, Ho! , has been replaced with YEE HAW!, and the elves can be heard saying, "Jeet yet?", and pondering such age old questions as "If you get married in West Virginia,are you still brother and sister?"

5.As required by southern law, Bubba's sleigh will be equipped with a Yosemite Sam safety triangle, with the words, "Back Off!", prominently displayed. The lead coon hound will be wearing a license plate that proclaims,
"Forget about the dogs, beware of the owner!"

6.The usual TV fodder,(Miracle on 34th Street and It's a
Wonderful Life) will be replaced by, "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit 4", which features Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into one another.

7.Bubba wears blue jeans without suspenders, so don't look when he bends over to place presents under the Christmas tree, or you will see "Claus crack".

8.This is the most important of all: Bubba will not deliver any gifts to any community that has the unmitigated gall (big words for stupidity) to try and remove the name of JESUS CHRIST from the celebration of CHRISTmas. Bubba knows that Jesus is the reason for the season and that he should be honored not only at Christmas, but year round.

God Bless,

Santa Claus


Thank God, Andre really had me worried! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

Bill