Two Peanuts Walk Into A Rowdy Bar

EarlAbsher · 03-30-04, 05:35 PM

One was assaulted.................

Pete. · 03-30-04, 06:43 PM

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH....Come on Earl you can do better than that. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Paul W · 03-30-04, 06:55 PM

Try being hypnotized !

http://www.corporateradiosucksass.co...hypnotize.html

Pete. · 03-31-04, 01:03 AM

Much better, I am easily hypmotised [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]

TimOz40 · 03-31-04, 01:49 AM

A guy walks into a bar with a steering-wheel tucked down the front of his pants. The bartender says "what the hell are you diong with a steering-wheel down your pants?" ...the guy replies "i dunno mate, but it's driving me nuts" [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Rick Muck- Mark IV · 03-31-04, 07:31 AM

A rope walks into a bar, the bartender asks "are you a rope?" The rope replies "yes". The bartender tells the rope to leave "as we don't serve ropes here".

The rope leaves, goes outside and ties himself into a knot while fraying his ends. He walks back into the bar and once again the bartender asks "are you a rope?' The rope replies "Nope, I'm afraid not"!

TA-DA!!!! (rimshot) for bad jokes..

Rick [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif[/img]

Ian Anderson · 03-31-04, 07:50 AM

A bloke walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm

Asks for a beer and one for the road!

They get worse!

Ian

Brett James-McCall · 03-31-04, 08:19 AM

Two sausages in a frying pan
One Turns to the other and says,
"Christ its hot in here"
To which the other sausage replies,
"F*ck me a talking sausage!"

Now that's bad.... gets a smile everytime though [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Brett

RobBeddington · 03-31-04, 08:46 AM

My favourite bartender joke:

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one...

A cruel bartender joke:

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "A Canadian Club," replies the seal.

And to finally get this thread back on topic...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who IS that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary"

HaHa

roaldin · 03-31-04, 08:57 AM

An Eskimo is sitting by the side of the road with his broken down car. He wanders off to get an ice-cream. On his return he finds a Policeman standing by the car. The Policeman says "I see you've blown a seal". The Eskimo replies "No officer, I've just eaten an ice-cream".

Tim.

Ian Anderson · 03-31-04, 09:24 AM

A bloke with dyslexia walked into a bra

**Chris K** · 03-31-04, 12:08 PM

An ugly woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm, the bartender says " I'm sorry, we dont allow dogs in here" to which the woman exclaims " thats not a dog, its a duck" and the bartender replies " I was talking to the duck"

bada bing !

Dave Bilyk · 03-31-04, 02:23 PM

A man walked into a bar. OUCH -- Iron Bar! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

credit to Tommy Cooper

regards
Dave

RobBeddington · 03-31-04, 03:17 PM

Celine Dion, a horse, John Kerry and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Why the long faces?"

OR:

Celine Dion, a horse, John Kerry and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Is this some kind of joke?"

Rob

Andre40 · 03-31-04, 04:39 PM

Gee, it's getting worse by the minute!!!

There was a bar with a black Labrador who decided that he was the local mascot. He was there every night and was popular with the locals who would feed him him with peanuts and snacks.

The bar had swing doors through which the dog would push his way through every evening. After many years of use the springs of the doors weakened and one day they were replaced.

One evening the Labrador pushed his way in but the new springs in the door caused the door to slam shut a lot faster than usual. The doors shut on his tail which was badly kinked and after a while gangrene set in and eventually he died from complications. Before he died the end of his tail actually dropped off.

Up to St Peter he went (the doggy divison)and when he got there St Peter told him that everyone had to present themselves with no parts missing. He was told to go back to earth to pick up his missing tailpiece.

He arrived back at his favourite bar just after closing time the next night when the barman was busy washing glasses and dishes and tidying up.

The Labrador said, 'Do you remember me?'

'Of course', replied the barman.

The Labrador then explained his position and asked if his tailpiece was still around.

'Yes', said the barman, 'We have actually pinned it to the side of the counter in memory you'.

'Can I have my tail back', asked the Labrador.

'No', replied the barman, 'We don't retail spirits after hours'.

I believe that one can be shot for that type of shaggy dog story!!!

Some jokes are so funny that you can laugh until your sides are Thor!!!

Andre 40.

TimOz40 · 03-31-04, 05:19 PM

Not a Bar joke but.....
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "do you smell fish?"

**brianstewart** · 03-31-04, 05:56 PM

If we are moving away from bar jokes...

What did the man with five penises say?

"My underpants fit me like a glove..."

Pete. · 03-31-04, 07:35 PM

A White horse walked into a bar, the Bartender said " we have a whiskey named after you". The horse said "what Ralph" [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Pete. · 03-31-04, 07:42 PM

A bloke tries to get into a night club. The Doorman says "sorry mate but you can't get in unless you are wearing
a necktie". The bloke goes back to his car gets out a set of jumper leads and wraps them around his neck. "Can I get in now ", he asks. O.K. says the Doorman, "but don't try and start anything". [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

EarlAbsher · 03-31-04, 08:18 PM

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work!