Santa Claus - The True Story

[Andre40]

SANTA CLAUS - THE REAL STORY

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world, but since Santa doesn't appear to handle Buddist, Jewish, Hindu and Muslin children, that reduces his work load to 15% of the total, ie 379 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average consenses rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there is at least one good child in each!

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas work, thanks to the different time zones and rotation of the earth, assuming that travels east to west, which seems logical. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. He therefore has 1/100th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat what snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, into the sleigh and off to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth we are now talking of 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 ½ million miles, not counting for stops for what most of us must do at least twice every 31 hours plus feeding the reindeer, etc.

That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second and a conventional reindeer can run tops at 15 mph.

The pay load on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set, weighing two pounds, the sleigh is carrying 321 300 tons., not counting Santa, who is invariably described as over weight. On land conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' could pull ten times their normal load because of reduced resistance we would need 214 200 reindeer. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353 400 tons, which is four times the weight of the passenger liner the Queen Elizabeth 11.

353 400 tons travelling at 650 miles per hour creates enormous air resistance and this will heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a space craft entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second, each and would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake of stupendous proportions.

The entire team will be vapourised within 4.26 thousandth of a second. Santa meanwhile will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Father Christmas would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4 315 015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!!!!

Have a happy Christmas, anyway,
Andre 40

[Simon]

Santa Claus dead.......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[BarryD]

Great One Andre.

By the way, I like the idea of MUSLIN children.

Lets have an Xmas competition to see who can think of the best use for a MUSLIN CHILD.

My entry will probably have something to do with using them to steam Spotted Dick Pudding...or maybe such a child could be trained into the secret service....diguise themselves as a set of net curtains , that sort of thing.

Maybe I just watched too much Monty Python as an adolescent.

Cheers,

BD

[Andre40]

I believe there's something called a TYPO!!!!

It's always said that one must mind one's 'Ps'and 'Qs'and now it could be said that one must mind one's 'Ms' and 'Ns'.

It's also said that the Brits have a great sense of humour.True, Barry.

Keep smiling,
Andre 40

[Steve Toner]

*sigh* What you silly humans with your complete lack of knowledge of temporal physics don't understand is that Santa comes from Gallifrey (in the constellation of Kasterborus, at galactic co-ordinates ten zero eleven zero zero by zero two from galactic zero centre) and his sleigh is a TARDIS.

[ChrisL]

No no, no.
Your arithmetic is correct but your conclusions are all wrong. This would be correct if you were to use Newtonian physics, but Einstein’s theory of relativity states that time is not a constant and that the time in which the children exist approaches a total standstill relative to Santa as he approaches the speed of light. This means that Santa, although must travel at close to the speed of light, does not actually need to surpass it. And then there is the fact that all matter that approaches the speed of light, takes on most properties of light itself and would therefore not vaporize. And finally, warp drives (which as everyone knows is what these magical reindeer use) work on the basis of warping time and space, and therefore use gravity to accelerate him along, which inturn means that there are no acceleration forces to pin Santa back into his sleigh.

Children, feel secure in the in the knowledge that Santa is alive and well and happily living in the North Pole.
[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[RobBeddington]

[ QUOTE ]
Children, feel secure in the in the knowledge that Santa is alive and well and happily living in the North Pole.

[/ QUOTE ]

But after Andre's first post, I told my kids that he's dead! They'll never believe me now ... [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Rob

[BarryD]

It is most comforting to know that the whole GT40 Kaboodle is barking mad.

Phew, for a moment I thought I was alone.

[David Tickle]

Oh Chris! Thank you so much for restoring my faith. How could that horrid, horrid man Andre even dare to suggest that Santa doesn't exist. Santa has been very kind to me and my GT40 over the years. Why, only last Christmas he sent me a new steering wheel centre and electronic ignition. This year I've been thinking about some nice shiny exhaust headers and some comfortable seats - sigh aircon. I'm sure he will try his best. (To be honest, I think I'm pushing my luck a bit, even thoug I have been a very good boy!)
I live and work in China now and even though it is a secular country, Chrismas trees and decorations and thousands of extra lights (the Chinese love flashing lights) are springing up all over the place. So, you see, Santa's influence spreads everywhere.
With my best wishes to all for a Very Merry Christmas
Dave Tickle

[Andre40]

Hi All,

If Barry, Chris, David, Rob, Simon, Steve and I were to zap through he stratosphere at 650 miles per second we would be vapourised in a much shorter time that it takes to click on MAIN INDEX.

However, thanks to the detailed scientific explanations of Steve and Chris, a long time riddle has been solved up and that is that old Santa is from another planet and therefore not subjected to the forces, stresses, pressures, joules, etc, that we ordinary mortals have to endure.

Santa would have no idea of the 3.5 Gs that tug at Schumi's neck as he goes round Copse Corner at Silverstone at 140 mph. What are G forces?

Therefore if Santa had been an ordinary mortal like us he would be dead by now, but as he's not he is very much alive as is evidenced right now by his presence in shopping malls. They say the proof of the (Christmas) pudding is in the eating. Every year he bounces back chirpy and chubby as ever, but then he does have a year in which to recover.

Under the circumstances, Rob, please tell your kids that that stupid man Andre was wrong!

Barry, I'm surprised that you thought that you were the only barking mad forum member. I always thought that I was was way ahead of you!

Anyway guys, this is all a bit of fun, but on a serious note have a great festive seaason and may 2005 be a good one. A good sign is that many countries who never understood the meaning of democracy are now becoming democracies, a long time proven formula. Here's also hoping that the Irag issue will be resolved and that all the soldiers involved will return to their loved ones.

All the best,
Andre 40

[Brett James-McCall]

Dave,
I know what you mean Santa has just bought me a new stud girdle for the 302. Apparently he is also going to be buying me a Radiator from Docking, sadly he also appears to be an Internet fraudster, as he has phished my credit card number... [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Brett

[Andre40]

Maybe it's that time of the year, for TYPOS I mean. I must edit more carefully.

Paragraph 5 in the main post says '650 miles per hour', which should of course read, '650 miles per second'. Either way it's bloody fast!

Good thing there are no speed cameras up there.The revenue would be HUGE!

[BenL]

NORAD has a website for tracking Santa (they'be been tracking him for 50 years). Fortunately, they haven't had any problems identifying him as "friendly".

www.noradsanta.org

Or if you don't have an Internet connection, and you live in the US, you can call: 877-Hi-NORAD

[Pete.]

Some Christmas Signs:

Toy Store: "HO HO HO, spoken here."

Bridal Boutique:"Marry Christmas"

Outside Church:"The original Christmas Club."

At Department store:"Big pre Christmas sale.Come in and mangle with the crowd."

A Texas jewelry store:"Diamomd Tiaras---$70,000. Three for $200,000.

[Pete.]

ILLEGAL ALIEN
Illegal Alien has Illegitimate Birth.Baby expected to be charged with Treason.
By Harold Kitchenmouse

BETHLEHEM--It was rumoured today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped in a stable owned by Alfredo Pinchi,a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

"There was no running water and the place was filled with straw," commented local public health authorities."We even found a donkey inside."

"The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances," offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. "She claims to be a virgin."

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. "There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God," explained Pilate.
"And that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future."

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol, carrying illegal contraband. "We caught them red handed with frankincense and myrrh," explained a member of the Border Patrol."And they didn't have any papers."

The kings were promptly arrested and deported to Syria.

At virtually the same time the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. "This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to Global Warming," commented Al Gore.

[David Tickle]

Brett
We were having a pleasant discussion about Santa. Then you change the subject to your sexual deviances.

By the way, a friend of mine is interested in one of those "stud girdles". He'd like to know if they are fun to use, require batteries or not and can you get them mail order?

Regards
Dave

[Bill Bayard]

While Andre recently dashed my belief in Santa Claus and ruined my holiday season, this morning I received a memo from Santa
himself, which has restored my faith in Christmas.


MEMO FROM SANTA:

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I(Santa Claus) will no longer serve any States south of the Mason/Dixon Line.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the world, my contract was renegotiated by NAE (North American Elves),Local 209. Under the new contract, I have less area of responsibility, better pay, and longer breaks for milk and cookies.
I'm sure that your children will be in good hands with my southern replacement, Cousin Bubba Claus. Cousin Bubba's family lives at the South Pole, and Bubba is a typical, pro-life, pro-gun, pro-nuke, anti-UN redneck. He does however share my love for children and the drive to deliver presents to all the kids in his area.

There are a few notable differences....

1. There is NO danger of the Grinch stealing the toys from Bubba. Bubba has a gun rack on his sleigh, and a bumper sticker that reads, "These gifts insured by Smith & Wesson".

2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba prefers that you leave an RC cola and a Moon Pie on the fireplace mantel for his snack. Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, but he dips Skoal, so you need to have a spitoon handy.

3.Bubba uses floppy eared coon dogs instead of reindeer, to pull his sleigh. I loaned him a couple of reindeer one year, and as a result, Blitzen's head is now mounted over Bubba's fireplace! These coon dogs are not named Comet, Cupid, Donner, or Blitzen, so you will probably hear Bubba shout,"On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliot, on Petty"

4.Ho, Ho, Ho! , has been replaced with YEE HAW!, and the elves can be heard saying, "Jeet yet?", and pondering such age old questions as "If you get married in West Virginia,are you still brother and sister?"

5.As required by southern law, Bubba's sleigh will be equipped with a Yosemite Sam safety triangle, with the words, "Back Off!", prominently displayed. The lead coon hound will be wearing a license plate that proclaims,
"Forget about the dogs, beware of the owner!"

6.The usual TV fodder,(Miracle on 34th Street and It's a
Wonderful Life) will be replaced by, "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit 4", which features Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into one another.

7.Bubba wears blue jeans without suspenders, so don't look when he bends over to place presents under the Christmas tree, or you will see "Claus crack".

8.This is the most important of all: Bubba will not deliver any gifts to any community that has the unmitigated gall (big words for stupidity) to try and remove the name of JESUS CHRIST from the celebration of CHRISTmas. Bubba knows that Jesus is the reason for the season and that he should be honored not only at Christmas, but year round.

God Bless,

Santa Claus


Thank God, Andre really had me worried! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

Bill

[Brett James-McCall]

Dave,
I was actually looking for some 'Tiger Ludds', which apparently is a bit like Tiger balm for a cold, but my dyslexia came back, and I thought 'Hey what the hell' [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Brett

[Pete.]

Isn't Tiger Ludds a famous golfer? [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]