| Automotive Tools & their Uses
Posted on another forum, but thought I'd share it here:
PEDESTAL DRILL: a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to say, "Ba****d...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: used almost entirely for lighting on fire various
flammable objects in your workshop. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: once used for working on older cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 13mm
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG 2 x 4: used for levering an automobile upward off a
hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: a tool for removing wood splinters (see 2 x 4 above).
PHONE: tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: a tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit - that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use
anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: a tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 13mm x 400mm SCREWDRIVER: a large prybar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.
INSPECTION LIGHT: the home mechanic's own tanning booth - it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is
to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
CHEATER PIPE: A cheap tool used for breaking expensive tools
PLUG GAPPING TOOL: For cracking ceramic insulators on pregapped plugs.
GASKET SCRAPER: For ruining cast aluminum sealing surfaces
LUG WRENCH: My personal favorite for removing excess skin off my knuckles
CARBURETOR CLEANER: Best skin drying agent known. When in a pressurised
canister can be ignited and effectively used to incinerate biting insects and neighbors' pesky pets.
PAINT STRIPPER: Removes it all. Paint, bondo, skin, fingernails, etc. When used in enclosed spaces,
renders the user senseless and high as a kite within 2-3 hours.
AIR COMPRESSOR: a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last overtightened 58 years ago by someone, and neatly rounds off
their heads.
PRY BAR: a tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER: a tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines and rubber or plastic parts.
F**KIT TOOL: any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "F**K IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool that you will need.
GREASE GUN: a device used unsuccessfully to force grease into rusty,
plugged up grease fittings. When not in use this device meters a steady
drip of oil onto the surface beneath it and mysteriously weeps a coat
of grease onto its outer surface, no matter how thoroughly it was
cleaned before it was put away.
SNAP RING PLIERS: a tool typically used to remove or install circular
clips from shafts and bores and launch them across the shop or into a
gravel driveway.
CHANNEL LOCK PLIERS: a tool whose primary purpose is to create large
painful blood blisters on the palms of your hands while simultaneously
rounding the heads off of bolts. Secondary use: See F**KIT TOOL.
WELDING HELMET: a cleverly designed device which allows molten metal
beads to accumulate on one's face and glasses.
ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: a dual purpose device used to rounding off bolts
AND mashing knuckles simultaneously.
MICROMETER: see C-clamp.
LARGE SOCKET WRENCH: see hammer.
MULTIMETER: storage holder for dead batteries.
FIRE EXTIGUISHER: (Normally a brightly coloured ornament), The "never
works when you need it tool", especially when welder has set fire to
your 99% finished project.... see Oxy-Acetylene welder, Mig welder,
Blow lamp, Zippo
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