IT Support

[Ken Mason]

'Dear IT Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower

and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as

Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable

programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried

running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate ------------------



Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband

1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2,

which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works s

designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications

Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to

default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a

supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory

and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying

additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would

recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, IT Support ------------------



Dear IT Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I

had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently

conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and

run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other

applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a

virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same

time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they

caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product

soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up

all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and

Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very

unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in

Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,

without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products

have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring

ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be

reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi

TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which

can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be

problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0

detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before

uninstalling itself'.

[Dimi]

For a minute there I thought you had stolen my life's story.
I could not have phrased it better myself.
Dimi

[Keith Hardy]

Ken, this is all very very true...

Unfortunately, having been brought up in the Bill Gates era, where upgrades were the norm rather than the exception, I upgraded Mistress 86 to Wife 2.0 but there must have been some corruption because Wife 2.0 performed an automatic update with Boyfriend 6.0 and left me with the dreaded BSOD.

I then decided I wasn't going to upgrade ever again and went for a totally new version - Wife 3.0. This was quite stable for a while, but like all software started performing erratically and got infected by the "Bearded Boatman" virus, to which it appeared there was no known cure, so I had to uninstall that version too.

I've tried some Freeware since but it's a bit unsatisfying plus it is often infected with Malware, so, I'm currently looking at Shareware.

Glad to know I'm not alone....

[Joe T]

I would keep an eye on the shareware, their are some very cheap Far Eastern copies of the original Girlfriend 1.0 version, they are masquerading versions of Wife 1.0.
All seems well for a while then a Trojun fires up called "Marry me Quick I'm up the Duff" normally its too late to uninstall the program and this can be dangerous contraveening local software guidlines can be an imprisonable offence!
You can run a program called DNA tester 3 but if it finds nothing wrong you will have to consider a serious upgrade on all your hardware, as these Far Eastern versions dont normally run properly unless you subscribe to all the updates, Family Relocation 2.7, Family needs Funding 2.8.

I have heard that a quick re install of wife 1.0 or 2.0 can sometimes stop the Trojun because it see a conflict in the bank account area of the memory.

[Keith Hardy]

Hmm nice idea in theory Joe, but as I had my genitals ripped out through my wallet by Wife 1.0 and Wife 2.0 (a fool and his money are soon parted) and the bank account is just a distant virtual memory, I'd rather retire to a eunuch farm than re-install either version...

But fair point about the far Eastern copies, there are several installations in the neighbourhood and they seem to be working quite well at the moment, but doesn't the pagefile size increase dramatically as the Far Eastern oriented versions age? Or can you upgrade to other versions as you go? Would the different versions be compatible if you were to install them together so to speak?

[Danimal]

I found that when I upgraded from Girlfriend 1.0 to Fiance 1.0, I got a popup warning message from Fatherinlaw 1.0 asking if I really wanted to upgrade. It seems that ignoring the warning is not advisable. In addition, while I thought the version I installed came with the two additional programs, only one actually works. The Cleanhouse2005 works flawlessly, in fact also overriding HisBasement 1.0. HisBasement 1.0 has now been reconfigured to version 0.5 at best. After discussing this with other IT departments and users, we have come to the conclusion that most Wife versions do become unstable over time (more so than others). Unfortunately, Wife 1.0 needed so many updates, that there is little memory or resources left for any version of GT40, new or used.

[The Dutch(Jos Vervoorn)]

FUN !!! I will forward these to my IT friends ..!

Do you know the Bastard Operator From Hell (The Bastard Operator From Hell Complete)


I'm sitting at the desk, playing x-tank, when some thoughtless bastard rings me on the phone. I pick it up.

"Hello?" I say.

"Who is this?" they say

"It's me I think" I say, having successfully attended a telephone skills course

"Me Who?"

"Is this like a knock knock joke?" I say, trying anything to save myself having to end this game.

Too LATE! I get killed.

Now I'm pissed!

"What can I do for you?" I ask pleasantly - (one of the key warning signs)

"Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package.."

"Which package is that?"

"Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called."

>clickety clickety d-e-l b-a-s-i-c.e-x-e<

"Um no, we don't have that. We used to though.."

"oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of my account be copied to tape to I have a permanent copy of them to save at home in case the worst happens.."

"The worst?"

"Well, like they get deleted or something..."

"DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backups!" (I'm such a *shit*) "What was your username?"

He gives me his lusername. (What an idiot)

>clickety click<

"But you haven't got any files in your account!" I say, mock surprise leaping from my vocal chords.

"Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!"

So first he spoils my x-tank game, and *now* he's calling me a liar...

>clickety click<

"Oh no, I made a mistake" I say

Did he mutter "typical" under his breath??!? Oh dear, oh dear..

"I MEANT TO SAY: That USERNAME doesn't exist"

"Huh? >wimper< It must do, I was only using it this morning!"

"Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this morning, the... uh... DE VINCI Virus, wipes out users who are logged in when it goes off."

"That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!"

"Which one was that?"

He tells me the username. Some people NEVER learn..

"Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus."... >clickety click< "..she only lost all her files"

"But..."

"But don't worry, we've got them all on tape"

"Oh, thank goodness!!!"

"Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil? SEE YOU IN THE MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I'm such a prick!


More of this on the boh web site.