Tube (metro?Subway?)Humour

[David Morton]

Sme drivers announcements:
On a Central Line Train
"This is the driver speaking. Can I make you all aware that in a collision between a four-thousand-ton tube train and your head, the train will always win. So PLEASE stand behind the yellow line in future".
At Earl's Court
"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond."
"The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway."
"These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signalmen think".
On the Northern Line
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
On the Piccadilly Line
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light)
"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
On the Central line
"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"
At Camden town station
"Please let the passengers off the train first..."
"Please let the passengers off the train first..."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!..."
"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."
At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay)
"I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signaling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"
At West Hampstead
"We can't move off because some cunt has their fucking hand stuck in the door"
At Mill Hill East
"Hello this is Dave speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
On a delayed train at Epping - (When the driver had a chat with a colleague unaware that he'd left the PA on)
"Bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."
On the Northern Line
"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
On the Central Line
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down though by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination".
At Earl's Court
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
At Bond Street
"Please mind the closing doors..." [The doors close] ... [The doors reopen.]
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors."[The doors close...]"Thank you."
On the Victoria Line
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly ... usually in bits"
At Moorgate
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
At other places unknown ...
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
"Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen...unfortunately towels are not provided".
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.