Todays Lawyer Joke

[Keith]

The Lawyer - (apologies if you know this. It would probably be easier to find an original previously unknown GT40 in a barn than hear a "fresh" lawyer joke)

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have
to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that
tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also
have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with
you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

 

[Marcus]

Aaaah Keith, here`s another one:

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

 

[Keith]

I like it marcus.

 

[David Morton]

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

 

[Marcus]

I have to concede I had to send that last one to some of my collegues who bursted into laughter (they certainly aren`t members of any animals rights groups).

 

[David Morton]

Not a lawyer joke but made me laugh:

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £500!"

 

[Marcus]

Due to David now having taken this thread a little bit off track:

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit
you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

" Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she
replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the
girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a
duck caller "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs
to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees." She duly does this,
balancing on the springs "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make
love to you."
She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is
paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the
energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is
several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call
that?"


.....oh dear, here it comes. . . . .



. . . a bit further. . . . .




"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

 

[David Morton]

This one I sent to the team manager in Audi Joest.

 

[Marcus]

Are you still on good terms with him?

 

[David Morton]

Yes indeed. Ralf Juttner - who will head up the works team at this years LM24. He's currently doing the ALMS with Audi America - as are most of the Joest guys.

 

[David Morton]

Here is a worse one:

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00

 

[David Morton]

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister

 

[Keith]

That's always been my favourite Dave......

 

[David Morton]

For several years a young solicitor had been taking his holidays at the same country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have got married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my parents s found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a solicitor."

 

[David Morton]

Keith,
the Audi joke from Marcus still has me in stitches.

 

[Mike from Vegas]

I have two:


A brain surgeon is looking for samples of brain, so he goes to a brain store. There he asks the cashier for prices and he responds, "$3 per ounce of computer programmer brain, $4 per ounce of engineer brain, $5 per ounce of banker brain, and $600 per ounce of lawyer brain." Puzzled, the brain surgeon asks, "How come the lawyer brain is so much more expensive?" and the cashier replies, "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill for one ounce of brain?"



The second:

A brunette walks into a doctors office and says that everything hurts. The disbelieving doctor asks her to demonstrate. The blonde touches her arm and screams out in agony and touches her foot with the same result. The doctor asks if she is naturally a brunette, and she says that she is naturally a blonde. The doctor instantly replies "Your finger is broken."

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

David I'm sending that to my solicitor right now.:lol:

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."