Cat Vs. Dog

[Randy V]

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now .

 

[Phil]

Randy
Spot on and hilarious.
Cheers
Phil

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Andy anyone who has owned a dog and cat know that your post is not a joke but an actual excerpt from the dairies.:lol:

 

[Mark Worthington]

I saw this many years ago and was able to find it after about 12 seconds of searching on Google:

Lessons We Can Learn From Dogs

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
  
• Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  
• When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience.
  
• Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
  
• Take naps and always stretch before rising.
  
• Run, romp and play daily.
  
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
  
• Be loyal.
  
• Never pretend to be something you’re not.
  
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close and nuzzle them gently.
  
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
  
• When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  
• No matter how often you are criticised, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

 

or...

PHOTOGRAPHING YOUR CAT
1. Take a roll of film from the box and put it in your camera.
2. Remove the box from your cat's mouth and throw it in the trash bin,
3. Remove your cat from the trash bin and wipe the coffee grinds from its nose,
4. Choose a fitting background for the photograph.
5. Get your camera set up,
6. Find your cat and remove the dirty sock from its mouth,
7. Put your cat in the spot you had in mind and walk to your camera,
8. Forget about that spot and retrieve your cat from the top of the curtains,
9. Adjust your camera settings with one hand and get your cat's attention with a catnip mouse,
10. Get a handkerchief and remove the wet nose print from your lens,
11. Remove the destroyed catnip mouse from the cat's mouth and throw it away (the mouse that is!),
12. Put the cat in another room and treat the scratches on your hand,
13. Find your cat who is no longer in the room where you put it,
14. Put the pot-plant and magazines back on the coffee table,
15. Try to get your cat to look at you by using a squeaky toy,
16. Put your glasses back on you nose and retrieve the camera from under the couch,
17. Grab your cat and say "NO: you should do that in the litter box!"
18. Call your partner to help clear up
19. Pour yourself a double......!!!!!

 

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

use this....

 

[Jim Rosenthal]

No less a person than Ken Miles had a cat which was trained to use the toilet, AND to flush it. My cat is trained to sit and shake hands. My godson's cat is trained to fetch, which he loves doing. (I also have had dogs, great ones, who I miss to this day, by the way) Cats get a lot of bad press for "being sneaky", etc. My own experience is that cats are affectionate and loyal pets who give a great deal to their owners- just not in the same way that dogs give. And they don't have to be walked several times a day.

I hasten to add that the cat-bashing humor is just that- humor. I don't take it too seriously. But I thought I should stick up for a group of animals that I, for one, have found to be admirable companions.

 

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

Ken Miles owned Jinx????

To really see the benefits of a dog, lock both your wife and your dog in your trunk for three hours. When you open the trunk, which one will glad to see you?

 

[Ron Earp]

My own experience is that cats are affectionate and loyal pets who give a great deal to their owners- just not in the same way that dogs give. And they don't have to be walked several times a day.
.

I agree. I've had both dogs and cats. The thing about cats for the casual observer is the cat personality won't come out until the visitor has been acclimated to a household for many visits over a period of days. Sometimes months. So, for "dog people" who visit a house with cats, well, they never really see how a domestic cat interacts with the people it owns.

We currently have two cats and each has its own personality. However, if you step in for a visit you'd assume both were identical and running the same version of software on different hardware builds. Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

[Simon]

An oldie but a goodie....

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth - allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

 

[Terry Oxandale]

"This human has yet another mechanical object pushed into my face. What in Hades is he doing?"

 

[Doc Kaler]

This is just wrong in many ways! I caught our male dog in the attempted act with our MALE CAT! A little foreplay......then OH NO!!

 

[Randy V]

This is just wrong in many ways! I caught our male dog in the attempted act with our MALE CAT! A little foreplay......then OH NO!!

Ms. Claws - meet Mr. Tally-Whacker!!!! :shocked:

 

[Jack]

Don't ask, don't tell!

 

[Bill Musarra]

Many years ago my parents had a toy poodle and a cat. They were great friends. When let out to the back yard, the cart would find a sunny spot and lay down. The poodle would come around and the cat would use her claws to either side of the dogs face, pull him down to her and proceed to wash his face. This went on practically every day we visited, except for one. They were let out to the yard and along with the usual conversations we could watch then in their ritual. The cat however was not in the mood to wash the dog's face. The dog nudged the cat once, then twice. The cat had had enough of the dog and rolled over and swatted the dog, and then rolled back over to catch a little more sun. The dog was mortified and started jumping stiff legged around the back side of the cat. The cat of course ignored the little poodle that was at least 10# over weight. Finally the dog had had enough. He walked up to the back side of the cat, hiked his leg and proceeded to pee all over the cat.We wouldn't have believed it if we hadn't seen it for ourselves!!

Bill

 

[Jack]

I once had a cat that was deranged! It taught itself to walk on a clothesline so it could get a pesky (to the cat) Cardinal. Found a beak and little feet by the door. This cat would climb a tree and wait patiently in a birds nest with little chicks screaming around it before devouring the mother when she came to see the fuss. Heard a racket in the garage one day. Went to investigate and found a California Condor with the cat hooked into it's belly trying to escape out the garage door (which was open). Neither one would release each other so I managed to swat both with a broom. Cat landed upright and the Condor flew off! This cat was kicked in the head in Northern California trying to down a deer! It stalked, then lept and hooked into the deer's neck like a BIG cat. The deer stomped it pretty good killing the cat. This is all true! Loved that cat!

 

[Terry Oxandale]

I'm glad I respect you folks, 'cause these stories being told...well... kinda on the edge of believability, BUT I do believe them. Awesome! Only wish I could see this myself.

 

[Ron Earp]

The dog nudged the cat once, then twice. The cat had had enough of the dog and rolled over and swatted the dog, and then rolled back over to catch a little more sun.

The dog ignored one of the primary rules of being kept by a cat - don't touch the belly. At least, that is a rule with any of the cats in our house over the years. They might roll around, lie on their backs, and make that belly look really inviting to pet. But don't do it unless you want to get bloodied up.