Cat Vs. Dog

[Big-Foot]

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now .

[Phil]

Randy
Spot on and hilarious.
Cheers
Phil

[Pete.]

Andy anyone who has owned a dog and cat know that your post is not a joke but an actual excerpt from the dairies.

[Mark Worthington]

I saw this many years ago and was able to find it after about 12 seconds of searching on Google:

Lessons We Can Learn From Dogs

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
  
• Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  
• When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience.
  
• Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
  
• Take naps and always stretch before rising.
  
• Run, romp and play daily.
  
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
  
• Be loyal.
  
• Never pretend to be something you’re not.
  
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close and nuzzle them gently.
  
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
  
• When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  
• No matter how often you are criticised, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

[brianstewart]

or...

PHOTOGRAPHING YOUR CAT
1. Take a roll of film from the box and put it in your camera.
2. Remove the box from your cat's mouth and throw it in the trash bin,
3. Remove your cat from the trash bin and wipe the coffee grinds from its nose,
4. Choose a fitting background for the photograph.
5. Get your camera set up,
6. Find your cat and remove the dirty sock from its mouth,
7. Put your cat in the spot you had in mind and walk to your camera,
8. Forget about that spot and retrieve your cat from the top of the curtains,
9. Adjust your camera settings with one hand and get your cat's attention with a catnip mouse,
10. Get a handkerchief and remove the wet nose print from your lens,
11. Remove the destroyed catnip mouse from the cat's mouth and throw it away (the mouse that is!),
12. Put the cat in another room and treat the scratches on your hand,
13. Find your cat who is no longer in the room where you put it,
14. Put the pot-plant and magazines back on the coffee table,
15. Try to get your cat to look at you by using a squeaky toy,
16. Put your glasses back on you nose and retrieve the camera from under the couch,
17. Grab your cat and say "NO: you should do that in the litter box!"
18. Call your partner to help clear up
19. Pour yourself a double......!!!!!

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

use this....