Home Security

Pete McCluskey.

Lifetime Supporter
:D

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 Work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, A copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
 
Hows about this one (nothing to do with security ;) ):

(phone rings)
The lady of the house answered, "Yes?"
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town; If he finds his way back, don't have sex with him."

:D
 
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