Jokes anyone? -

[Mesa]

Originally Posted by mikegaan

Why California is broke:

....No.Iit's because not 100 yards from my office is a RR crossing, you know the kind with gates that come down to warn cars that a train is coming. Well, seems in Cali's infinite wisdom they thought it was a good thing (after 50 years) to install the same gates for the sidewalks that cross the tracks too. So now there is a minature set of gates that warn high speed pedestrians that there is a train coming. Lord knows that walking pace is far too fast to be able to stop in time!

The cost of this little safety feature for this ONE RR crossing.

FIVE POINT EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS

I wish I was joking.

[brianstewart]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I
are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[Bill Musarra]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's Christmas present. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.





She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''




He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''




She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."




She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.




''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.




She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.




The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''




The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?''




He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"

[David Morton]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stein lager.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Steinlager?"

Bloke replies, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came to I was f******g skint."

Barman says, "But 12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

[David Lowe]

Top 4 Adult Jokes


Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'




She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't!' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh... she got fired too.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other one is in your oatmeal.'

[ross henry]

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a £100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the £100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the £100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the £100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the £100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the £100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the £100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the £100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

[Jack]

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

. . . there ya Gogh!

[Rich Roy]

A Pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel attached to the front of him. The bartender asks, "whats with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "IT DRIVE'S ME NUTS!"

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

Originally Posted by molleur

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

. . . there ya Gogh!

And his Danish toymaker cousin, Leg.....

[GT40GoldParts.com]

And his son with the traffic light,
Stopand.....

And his cousin who regularly uses meth GOgo....

[The Baron]

OK words is it?


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[The Baron]

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[David Sturch]

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He had to work it out with a pencil.

[wanni]

Just married,
the lady goes in the kitchen for breakfast completely naked.
- Mother in law - What are you doing ?
- Young lady - This is the dress of love
It is dinner time and the father in law comes back home.
Mother in law welcomes him completely naked.
- Father in law - What is this new ?
- Mother in law - This is the dress of love.
- Father in law - You could revise it, darling.

[Jay V]

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then he went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then he went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, he went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

There, that shouldoffend just about everybody.

[jyrki sulka]

Three women went after work in bar to take fews. Oldest, in 40`s, said: my husband is not intrested of me so much he used to be. Second lady, in 30`s, said: same here. And youngest, in 20`s, said: Yep, even I already got same problem at home.
So, they are modern women, and thought it`s good idea to stimulate their husbands with some sexy clothes, went to the sex shop next door and they all bought black leather catwoman suits, complete with masks and things.

Next day at work in coffee break they talked how it went?
Youngest said, with smile: I went home, I weared the things on and said meowww; immediately my husband jumped of from the computer and made veeery fiery love with me on living room floor!
Lady in 30`s, very happy too, said: I did same, he even stopped to watch telly and we made very passionate sex in our bedroom!
Oldest lady said: I weared suit on and waited him in hall. He came, walked pass me, sat on sofa, opened the beer and said: What we gonna eat today, Batman?

[Pat]

Because I'm not into that sort of thing, when I checked into my hotel room on my last trip south, I said to the lady at the registration desk ..."I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

[Garry]

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. Upon her return, she came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Garry

[Brian Kissel]

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of
the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his
wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete
ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors
and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," Bob said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob.

"I did, Louise said, You're back at work on Monday!

[David Morton]

<TABLE class=yiv1456531675MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top>Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.


Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'






</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>