Jokes anyone? - - Page 108

Brian Kissel · 9th January 2011, 10:45 PM

Steve knows his rights !!!!!!!

YouTube - Steve's Drunk and High DUI at Work (Arrested on Scissor Lift)

Dalton Veitch · 11th January 2011, 06:08 PM

The Music Fashion Police?

Dalton Veitch · 11th January 2011, 06:13 PM

Lost the attachment. I'll try again.

ross henry · 12th January 2011, 02:25 PM

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
“No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

Grady · 12th January 2011, 02:45 PM

From my brother Marc

A retired man went into the JobCenter in Downtown Denver , Colorado and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear,lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000." " But you'll have to go to Billings , Montana ".

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."

David Morton · 12th January 2011, 04:57 PM

<TABLE style="MARGIN-LEFT: 10.5pt" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top>HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>

Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.<O:P></O:P>

Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls<O:P></O:P>
off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table<O:P></O:P>
for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is<O:P></O:P>
very attractive and attentive.<O:P></O:P>

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won £800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to<O:P></O:P>
have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious<O:P></O:P>
meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me<O:P></O:P>
to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to<O:P></O:P>
drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain<O:P></O:P>
saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with<O:P></O:P>
me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked..

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice<O:P></O:P>
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Garry · 13th January 2011, 10:32 AM

Proof that Men Have Better Friends.......

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o:p></o:p>

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend ' s house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Garry<o:p></o:p>

Bill Musarra · 13th January 2011, 10:13 PM

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls.... You must be a politician."

David Morton II · 14th January 2011, 11:11 AM

BREAKING NEWS

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say it's definitely race related ....................

Simon · 15th January 2011, 05:37 AM

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts. :unsure:

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

PIMP: Pooped in my pants

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

David Morton · 16th January 2011, 08:14 AM

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?

"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down.

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "Why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

Jim Rosenthal · 16th January 2011, 09:32 AM

Not quite as good as the cruise ship joke, which was a killer, but not bad...

David Morton · 16th January 2011, 10:57 AM

Syd and Wally are quietly sitting in a boat fishing and

having a few cans of beer , as you do , when suddenly Syd says, " I think I'm going to divorce the wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Wally takes his pipe out of his moth and spits overboard, and then takes a long, slow sip of beer and says Better think it over Syd, Women like that are hard to find.

David Morton · 17th January 2011, 10:52 AM

<TABLE class=ecxyiv797193389MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm" vAlign=top>A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one."

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Garry · 17th January 2011, 11:59 AM

A good laugh for people over 50

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S.I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o:p></o:p>
Senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.<o:p></o:p>

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<o:p></o:p>
Garry

Mark · 17th January 2011, 01:57 PM

Garry, you could have shown a little more consideration and used a larger font, considering your target audience!

Gary · 18th January 2011, 05:19 PM

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. It was at that time that the first fellow revealed he was the local Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,
"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation...

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll be glad to marry them.”

Nick · 19th January 2011, 01:50 PM

Not a joke but gave me a laugh

Premier League - Stoke star 'forgot he owned Porsche'
Real Zaragoza had to get in touch with former player Jermaine Pennant to tell the Stoke winger he had left a Porsche abandoned at Zaragoza train station for five months, according to a report in Marca.

The Spanish paper claims that when Pennant was contacted by Zaragoza about the car, he admitted he did not remember anything about it.
Zaragoza were then forced to open the car and were surprised to find that the keys were on the seat.
The car in question had a customised licence plate with the number 'P33NNT" on it.
Pennant is a big fan of cars and has a sportscar collection.

John · 19th January 2011, 09:26 PM

There was this high school wrestling coach named Jimbo and after years of having nobody on his team who was any good, he finally had this kid, Billy, who was really good. He was fast, nimble, he could think ahead, and he paid attention to the coach, listened to what he had to say and followed his instructions.

The big rival for the school always had a good wrestling team. It was, like, year after year. They always did well in the state championships but the coach was an asshole. He was a bad winner. He was arrogant and would puff himself up, getting in the face of an opposing coach whenever one of his wrestlers won a match.

One thing the rival coach had going for him was a hold he could teach to some of his wrestlers. The pretzel hold. It was a complicated hold so not everyone could learn it. Maybe only one guy every few years. But if the kid knew the hold and could get his opponent into it, it was impossible to get out of. And this year, the rival coach had a kid in the 124 lb. weight bracket who knew the hold and it was the same weight bracket that Billy wrestled in.

Well, Jimbo's team and the rival team had several matches during the season and Billy usually came out the winner. But Jimbo always warned him, "Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the pretzel hold." He really drummed it into his head. And Billy always managed to stay out of it. That's why he won more often than he lost.

Anyhow, the state championships finally came around and the two finalists in the 124 lb. bracket were Billy and the rival kid. Jimbo was really nervous about the match and he kept telling Billy, "Jesus, Billy, whatever you do, don't let him get you into the pretzel hold. Nobody's ever gotten out of it."

Well, the match was pretty even until about the last minute. The rival kid kept making the moves that would get Billy into the pretzel hold but Billy always managed to get away from them. But in the last minute, the kid got him into it.

Jimbo was really pissed off. "Aw, fuck, I told him to stay out of the pretzel hold," he said. He sat down and had his head in his hands and was sort of looking at the floor when there was an explosion out on the mat. Arms and legs were flying and all of sudden, the tables were turned. Billy had the other kid on his back and was pinning him! And he won the match!

Jimbo was ecstatic. Nobody had ever gotten out of the pretzel hold before. "How did you do it kid?" he asked.

"Well, I was all tied up and it was just like you said Coach. I didn't think I could get out of it. But I knew you'd be pissed off at me after all the times you told me not to get into that pretzel hold. So I was looking up and I saw some balls and I bit 'em."

"Jesus," said Jimbo. "You bit his balls?"

"No," said Billy. "I bit my own."

Jay V · 19th January 2011, 10:32 PM

This is alarming

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

November 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phyto-estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women ..

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes,
100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense..
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!