Jokes anyone? -

[David Morton]

[Dalton Veitch]

Good grief! I hope Keith doesn't see this, or we'll never get him to focus on his boat.

[Dimi Terleckyj]

Looking at the van in the picture, does this mean they offer a mobile service????

Dimi

[Garry]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at
a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink
penis.

The curator of the gallery went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the
pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact,
there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish
coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Garry<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o:p></o:p>

[Garry]

With apologies to our Alabama Brothers...

A good ole Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and
says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his
hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we is
stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your a$$!"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
G

[Garry]

- - I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

G

[Brian Hamilton]

I married a woman who can palm a basketball. Glad to know it's not me. LOL

[Pat]

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she
needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'


Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart'.

[Pete McCluskey.]

A Good Point...
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. 389 Penfolds Red.
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a shag tonight."
I said "enjoy your meal".

[flatchat(Chris)]

Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Aston Villa.

Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.

Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of f&cking Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa . But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella Artois for £2-99.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft twat.

Today in an opinion poll I was asked 'If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?' Naturally I said 'Niggers and guptas.' Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they headed for the hills!

[Jim Rosenthal]

Yes, and Casey Anthony is opening a day care facility......

[Paulus]

A woman on her death bed called her husband in and asked him to open a box that she had hidden under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 cash. "What are the eggs for?" he asked.
Wife replied "Every time we had crap sex I put an egg in the box"
"Not bad then" said the husband "3 eggs in 35 years! - but what about the cash?"
Wife replies :"...every time I got a dozen, I sold them for a 2 quid"

[Paulus]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge when suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral cars pass over the bridge, so one of the guys stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says "Dave, that was one of the nicest & most respectful things I have ever seen"
Dave replies "well, we were married for nearly 20 years!"

[Paulus]

SORRY - NON ENGLISH MEMBERS MIGHT NOT FOLLOW THIS ONE!

Its the 2012 Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in but don't have tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm & walks up to the gate.. "McLeish, Scotland, discus" he says, & is allowed in. the Englishman picks up a scaffolding pole & puts it over his shoulder... "Smith, England, pole vault" then he is allowed in. The Irishman picks up a roll of barbed wire & tucks it under his arm then announces .. "O'Reilly' Ireland, fencing"

[Paulus]

Libya 2011: It takes a special kind of talent to send a Warship named after a pork sausage to a Muslim country, so well done to Britain and HMS Cumberland !

[Paulus]

As a family we are trying to keep up with Technology so I bought my son an iPod, my daughter an iPhone and myself an iPad. Then I felt sorry for the wife so bought her a iRon & that's when it all f**kin' kicked off, the ungrateful bitch!

[Paulus]

Husband & wife sitting watching TV when husband asks "babe, tell me something that'll make someone happy and sad at the same time"... wife replies "well, that's easy, you've got the biggest cock out of all your mates!"

[David Lowe]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[David Lowe]

A guy was driving down the motorway with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up.

'I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales '.

'Why's that ?' he said.

Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohs".

[David Morton II]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight dear,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'