Jokes anyone? -

[The Baron]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
























Anybody?








OK, I'll get my coat.....

[Pete McCluskey.]

Boom Boom.

[Mike Blalock]

I heard this one the other day and thought it deserved to be posted;

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, But One day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o:p></o:p>

[The Baron]

And on that very subject:

Never ever argue with a drunk's logic:

I'm a professional working woman, and on the way home from work one afternoon I stopped at the local supermarket where I selected:

Litre of Hi-Lo milk,
Dozen free range eggs,
2 litre bottle of orange juice,
One head of lettuce,
Jar of coffee
500g of bacon.


I was unloading my items onto the conveyor belt at the checkout, when a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk, slurring his words, stated -- "You mus' be single."

I was a bit startled by this observation, but I was intrigued by the drunk's reasoning, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk as to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you’re right. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied -- "B’cos you're ugly”.

[Mike Drew]

Q: Do you know why they don’t teach drivers training and sex education on the same day in the middle east?

A: Because it’s too hard on the camels…

[Pete McCluskey.]

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

[Pete McCluskey.]

A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they f**#ed my wife after only five cans!”
____________________________________________________



Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f**# out of this bloke at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________

How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.
____________________________________________________

My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cos when you’re coming, you look like a f***king Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
____________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
____________________________________________________

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
____________________________________________________



Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.


'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f**#'s sake, you stupid Kiwi prick. It's ten past three in the f***king morning!!!’

[Ian Anderson]

Americans are NOT stupid - WITH SUBTITLES - YouTube

Made me laugh!

[Joey Dean]

Made me cry....

[Mike]

God help us!

[tom pritchett]

This goes to my favorite saying. "the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound. That is why people look smart until you hear them speak".

This is a perfect video showing the great education system in America.

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Nicked from another forum I frequent but made me chuckle...




We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'



The cab driver hit a parked car.




ps - for the record - I LIKE CATS.....

[David Morton]

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday ...... minding my own business,
waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans
stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and
darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over
their car, crushing it completely.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that
could have been me!"

So, today... bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck
driver..

[Scott Calabro]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.
And to those of you who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in your hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or beer
(or tequila, gin, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of shit.

[David Morton]

I was about to say "There would seem to be plenty of water drinkers on this site......." and then I thought better of it.

[Pete McCluskey.]

Originally Posted by David Morton

I was about to say "There would seem to be plenty of water drinkers on this site......." and then I thought better of it.

[Pete McCluskey.]

Nearly peed my pants

The Frantics-Her First Period from TheFrantics.

[Dalton Veitch]

Fantastic Pete. I too was reaching for the incontinence pants

[Mark]

Eeeooooow LOL

[Nick]

Spotted in Venice