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Old 29th February 2012, 04:27 AM   #2541
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.


He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.


Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
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Old 29th February 2012, 02:24 PM   #2542
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone
was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl
stared at the uncle sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
place but nothing stopped her from staring at him.

He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for
him.

He finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went
quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."
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Old 29th February 2012, 08:58 PM   #2543
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Ah, yes, out of the mouths of babes.....

This reminds me of a true story about my godson, who is now 28. When he was about three, I took him for the day to the garage where a friend of mine and I were going to change the manifold and carb on my 1959 Corvette. Keith (my godson) was sitting in the passenger's seat of the Corvette in his car seat (I couldn't do that now, could I) and playing with a bunch of little plastic animals etc. Lee and I were working on the car, changing out the manifold and four-barrel, and kept an eye on him through the windscreen. And, as guys working on cars do, there was a lot of kidding around between us, some of it not entirely G-rated. Most of the time, we thought Keith was asleep....
But he was awake more than we thought, as I found out when we finished it all up, fired up the car, and I drove back to his house to drop him off with his mother and his grandmother. We walked in the door of their house, and his grandmother (who loved him dearly) greeted him, saying "Hi baby, where have you been all day, and what did you do?"
To which he said, to her "Hi Ninni! You're a hosebag!"

I got in a lot of trouble for that one...
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Old 1st March 2012, 02:08 PM   #2544
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman : Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman : Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman : I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Older Woman : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.



Older Woman : I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?



Older Woman : I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?



Older Woman : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2 : Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman : Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2 : One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman : Murdered the owner?



Officer 2 : Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.



The woman opens the tru nk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman : Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2 : One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman : Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!

Moral: Don't mess with mature ladies!
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Old 11th March 2012, 08:45 PM   #2545
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Oh, did i laugh...

Politically incorrect - you bet, but only the English could put it so eloquently !!!!
It has been announced that police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.
Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.
Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his family. This is because the daft b****** and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.

Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over 1 million worth of improvements.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London . Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But now the majority of doctors are Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a just as well.
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Old 12th March 2012, 07:32 AM   #2546
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

cool pilot story.

Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"


The princess said, "No!" And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover crew meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up........

The end.
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Old 12th March 2012, 12:03 PM   #2547
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

I bet you watch this more than once

Circo Roncalli - videos de humor - humor variado | elRellano.com
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Old 13th March 2012, 12:52 PM   #2548
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR .


A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off.. I got fitted with a hook
but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."


"You're kidding," said the publican.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."


"It was my first day with the hook."
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Old 13th March 2012, 12:57 PM   #2549
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And only then will you be ready to take on China !


Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

Here goes...



The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...



Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .......What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...
.. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'


And you do, don't you!
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Old 14th March 2012, 02:02 AM   #2550
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
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Old 15th March 2012, 02:48 AM   #2551
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

DONATIONS FOR PARLIAMENT


A driver Is stuck in a traffic jam on the Motorway outside
London,

Nothing Is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car
window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going
on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the members of parliament and
they're asking for a 100 million ransom!

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and
set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

"Roughly a gallon."
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Old 19th March 2012, 11:21 AM   #2552
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

From Scotland:


I was in a pub last night and saw two "girls of size" (as PC now requires us to say) by the bar.

They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making assumptions about their
origins I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them screamed, "It's WALES you f***ing idiot!" So I immediately
apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's when the trouble started!
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Old 21st March 2012, 03:19 PM   #2553
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

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Old 21st March 2012, 07:42 PM   #2554
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Love, it, Veek. Some others like that:

I saw this ugly little girl today...
-How ugly was she?
Well...... she was so ugly that they had tied a pork chop around her neck so that the dogs would be willing to play with her.
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Old 22nd March 2012, 08:13 PM   #2555
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

I just got back from a holiday in Phuket, Thailand, and I came
that close to shaggin' a ladyboy.

Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and
kissed like a woman.

It was only when she was driving back to my hotel and reversed
parked into a narrow parking space with no problem,
I thought...........

hang on a minute!!!!

............................................................ ............................................................


A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to Labour is asked bythe midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth



"I afraid I don't have a husband" she replied "O.K. Do you have a
boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either.

Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you
see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film.The lead
man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "thats really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie
was this Swedish guy

"Oh, I`m sorry,"
The midwife repeats, "thats really none of my business either and I
hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted Eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on
the butt.The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved.

"I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark.
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Old 23rd March 2012, 12:45 PM   #2556
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

i am taking orders
Attached Images
File Type: jpg specialty bolts.jpg (20.0 KB, 135 views)
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Old 23rd March 2012, 06:19 PM   #2557
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Brilliant Gary, but do you have a bigger, Hi Res verson? I want one for my garage wall!
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Old 24th March 2012, 08:44 AM   #2558
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

i took it off a specialty bolt web site. This is is big as i could make it.
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Jokes anyone? --specialty-bolts-2-jpg  
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Old 24th March 2012, 12:34 PM   #2559
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Thanks Gary.
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Old 2nd April 2012, 06:09 PM   #2560
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

For those not in the know, Australian Mark Brandon "Chopper" Read could be considered a living legend for all the wrong reasons a high profile ex-criminal who wrote a series of semi-autobiographical and fictional crime novels. The 2000 film Chopper was based on his life.






The World according to Chopper...

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.
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