Jokes anyone? -

[John Lowe]

Note position of the exhaust



John

[Pete McCluskey.]

I'm jealous



Roy, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Roy, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?'
She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

[Gregg]

Weight loss program.


A Guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss program.

> The next day, there's a knock on the door and there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

> She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

> The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

> Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

> On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lbs. as promised.

> He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
>
> Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
>
> Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
>
> 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'

> Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
>
> The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a
huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

'If I catch you, your @#* is mine.'
>
> He lost 63 pounds that week.
>
>
>

[Gary Kadrmas]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice",he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied,

"Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

[David Morton]

from a friend in the Caribbean:

Sensible Observations

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.'

--Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'

--Author Unknown


3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'

--Drew Carey


4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.'

--Jeff Foxworthy


5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'

--Dave Barry


6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp.'

--Bob Ettinger


7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''

--Paula Poundstone


8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.'

--Conan O'Brien


9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner.'

--Lynda Montgomery


10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.''

--Richard Jeni


11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.'

--Johnny Carson


12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'

--Paul Rodriguez


13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's the law.'

--Jerry Seinfeld


14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?'

--Warren Hutcherson


15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.'

--Oscar Wilde


16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'

--Mark Twain


17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan '

--A. Whitney Brown


18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!''

--Dave Barry


19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because ' Mad Cow Disease' was taken.

-- Unknown, presumed deceased


20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer.'

--W. C. Fields


And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'

--Every American

[Pete McCluskey.]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked,
'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the
boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a
wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers
above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son: 'Go get your mother.'

[Gregg]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants
And all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
They were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the
Rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the
Quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents

[Pete McCluskey.]

Why do brides wear white?
A young boy approaches his mother and asks, "Why do women get married in white..?"
Mother replies, "Because they are angelic, virginal creatures and white is the colour of angels."
The boy asks his dad the same question to which the father replies,
"All kitchen appliances are white, son

[Mal]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

"Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Rev. Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed,
"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start!"

[Mal]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

[Mal]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather regal looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.

[The Baron]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind the GT40 replica I am building so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my machine, that I noticed that the drive shaft on the drivers side appeared to have a hairline crack right by the CV joint.

Is this something I should worry about? Or do I have to replace the whole shaft?

Yours truly,


“Worried Car Builder”

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by Keith1

Dear Abby,

..........................
..........................
..........................

Yours truly,

“Worried Car Builder”

Class...

[The Baron]

NOT SO MUCH A JOKE - A REAL SCENARIO BUT IT COMES UNDER THE HEADING OF "I WISH I WROTE A LETTER LIKE THAT"

It tells the part story (the story continues) of a very frustrated resident in Scotland trying to call the Police to report Vandalism/Noise disturbance etc.

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this massage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

XXXXXXX

THE FIRST REPLY

Mr XXXXXXX,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC xxxxx
XXXXXXXXX
Community Beat Officer

SECOND LETTER

Dear PC XXXXXXXX

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you.

Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
XXXXXX
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

THE SAGA CONTINUES - MORE WHEN I GET IT....

[Pete McCluskey.]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several

hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it

was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into

the soup pot and was replaced. That record keepin' took an awful lot of

his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his

roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance

which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report

simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen

he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't

rung at all!

John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,

hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so

it couldn't ring.

He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and, walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County

Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result ... The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece

Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted

awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace

and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please Take your time.
"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

”Is it.

A - a badger

B - a ferret

C - a mole

D - a cuckoo

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm Not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."


“Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

‘Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers. Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris,I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.


I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could Win £1million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type Of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, Boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely"

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be Taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a Blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham,

“But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[Danimal W]

One night, a little blind boy's mother said to him, "Anthony, if you pray really, REALLY hard tonight, when the sun rises tomorrow you will be able to see!"

Needless to say, Anthony prays up a storm! Morning came and Anthony is still blind.

He starts crying and his mom rushes in. She gasps, "Anthony, what's wrong?"

Anthony wails, "Mommy, I prayed so hard but I'm still blind!" His Mom gently pats him on the head.

"I know, honey. April Fools!"

[Danimal W]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch some sleep.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, but finds no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress, and still finds no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, all to no avail. After an hour of furious searching, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Not a joke - a video, but made me laugh....

YouTube - Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist

[Pete McCluskey.]

Subject: Subject: Letter from camp.


Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood
on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2
sleeping
bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were
all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue
jeeps.
It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been
for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without,
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he
probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the
gas will
blow up.
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our
clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance!
We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45
people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the
trailer, until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where
there ain't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out
to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim,
and
Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because
we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was
great.
You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on
the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what, We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet
works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just
food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way
with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our
scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better
while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some
more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine, and
tonight
it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love,
Jimmy.