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Old 17th April 2012, 10:40 PM   #2581
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Keith, do not quit your day job. Even if you haven't got one. Trust me on this one.
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Old 18th April 2012, 03:51 AM   #2582
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

I was celibate for ten years and it didn't bother me at all..........

Then I turned thirteen.
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Old 18th April 2012, 09:01 AM   #2583
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimbo View Post
Keith, do not quit your day job. Even if you haven't got one. Trust me on this one.

I did say sorry in advance Jim...it was an urge, I didn't want to but I just had to....it was the voices, and they had Austrilian accents...

Never had a day job. What's that all about then?

Sorry...
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Old 18th April 2012, 10:12 PM   #2584
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
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Old 19th April 2012, 06:57 AM   #2585
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Natal Curry Contest.

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there is no hope
for you.


I was crying by the end.



Note: please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They
actually have a curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
from America.



Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Natal
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted'.



Here are the scorecard notes from the event.





CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY Judge 1 -- A little too
heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY
Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY Judge 1 --
Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all
the beer.

CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY Judge 1 -- Black bean curry
with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?

CURRY 5 - LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off.
It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Scr*w them.

CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe
my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream.

CURRY 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY Judge 1 -- A mediocre
curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway.
If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.

CURRY 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY Judge 1 -- The perfect ending.
This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.

Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor
hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot curry?

Judge 3 - No Report
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Old 21st April 2012, 07:08 AM   #2586
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A bloke sat in his armchair & shouts to his wife,

"when i die i'm going to leave everything to you love!"

she shouts back

"you already do you lazy bastard !! "
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Old 21st April 2012, 05:49 PM   #2587
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

I was having a sneaky pee in the deep end of the pool the other day.
The life guard must have spotted me because he blew his whistle.
The bloody thing was so loud it nearly made me fall in.
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Old 25th April 2012, 09:15 AM   #2588
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Anyway, moving swiftly along......

Wife by text to husband at work ............
"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"
Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"
Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at
all"!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break
and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the
bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy
bears have their picks nicked.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could
eat it!

Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could
be following some kind of pattern.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I
would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not
listening.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified...

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but
the ironing is building up!"

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

And for David Morton:

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.
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Old 25th April 2012, 11:21 PM   #2589
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... And after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'
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Old 27th April 2012, 02:11 AM   #2590
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
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Old 5th May 2012, 11:35 AM   #2591
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes’ Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack. The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it. As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now –

'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'. The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!' 'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now –

'Scotsman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'. The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Scottish; I'm from London .'

The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now – 'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet'
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Old 7th May 2012, 12:11 PM   #2592
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

And how true is THAT!

Moving on swiftly now.....

After being married for forty five years, my wife asked me to describe her.

I looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"

I said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in my eye is going down and the surgeon is fairly optimistic about saving my testicles.
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Old 8th May 2012, 06:10 PM   #2593
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.


I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'


'NO!' the children answered.


If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'


If I gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'


I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'


A six year-old boy shouted out:


"YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."
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Old 9th May 2012, 04:50 PM   #2594
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The Frog and The Princess

Once Upon A Time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, and clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so.
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Old 9th May 2012, 05:47 PM   #2595
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Financial Crisis In Single Picture

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Old 9th May 2012, 05:50 PM   #2596
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Yeah, they've already laid off Hose B.
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Old 9th May 2012, 06:29 PM   #2597
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

You see what we're faced with? Huh ???

Where the fuck is the HEALTH & SAFETY MANAGER you people!!!???

Jeeez... I don't know....
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Old 10th May 2012, 06:50 PM   #2598
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

  • I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.


    In General,

    1. Never take an open beer to a job interview...

    2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

    3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

    5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

    Eating Out,

    1When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

    Entertaining at Home,

    1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

    2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

    Personal Hygiene,

    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.

    2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

    3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

    4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

    Theatre/Cinema Etiquette,

    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

    2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

    Weddings,

    1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

    2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

    3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

    Driving Etiquette,

    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

    2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest bull bar doesn't always have the right of way.

    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

    4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too!
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    Old 15th May 2012, 03:43 AM   #2599
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    Re: Jokes anyone? -

    A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
    I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

    I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.

    -----------------------------------------------

    I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what
    I would like to do most with her body.

    Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
    going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
    killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod
    it….soldier on.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
    She said “Don’t get f***ing lippy”
    I said “Mascara it is then!”

    --------------------------------------------------

    I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
    downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

    I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

    -------------------------------------------

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
    a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
    an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
    Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a
    Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked
    into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a
    Thai”.


    --------------------------------------------------------------

    You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for
    stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick
    off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

    -----------------------------------------------

    Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor,
    says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it
    up!
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    Old 15th May 2012, 09:15 AM   #2600
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    Re: Jokes anyone? -

    Wife's Affair






    A man returns home a day early after a business trip. It's after midnight.
    While in the taxi home, he asks the cabby if he'll be a witness to his wife's adultery which he suspects.

    For £100, the cabby agrees.

    On arriving home, the husband and taxi driver tip toe to the bedroom.
    The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

    The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
    The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money‚

    HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
    HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
    HE paid for your private box at the football ground.
    HE paid for our holiday house on the Riviera.
    HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
    HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays some of our household bills!'

    Shaking his head, the husband lowers the gun.
    He looks over at the taxi-driver and asks, 'What do you think about that?

    The taxi-driver without hesitation replies, 'I'd cover him up before he catches a chill.'
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