Jokes anyone? - - Page 131

Ian Anderson · 15th May 2012, 11:46 AM

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' ?
So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

Forest · 15th May 2012, 05:34 PM

I am so going to use this ID10T joke tomorrow at work!

Pete McCluskey. · 21st May 2012, 08:50 AM

I like this blokes blog, he is nearly as sick as Keeff.
Go away.

Pat · 21st May 2012, 09:31 PM

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course
that was put on for us old fogies ...

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you
take?"

"F**kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

The Baron · 23rd May 2012, 05:50 AM

Thanks for the name check Pete.. funny..

Anyway, there I was minding my own business when...

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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.....
Sh*t on the paper.......

Screwed the other three cats........
Claimed he injured his back while doing so.

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers Compensation..................and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!

Ian Anderson · 29th May 2012, 04:06 AM

A wizard goes into a gay bar, with a poof…………….. he disappears!

Ian Anderson · 6th June 2012, 03:38 AM

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>

And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

Jim Rosenthal · 6th June 2012, 05:49 PM

Exactly.

My friend Rich told me one time that he didn't say anything to his wife Sheila for three months. I asked him why not.

He said, "I didn't want to interrupt her...."

The Baron · 6th June 2012, 06:12 PM

Jim Rosenthal · 7th June 2012, 02:51 PM

Ah, yes...........

The Baron · 7th June 2012, 04:42 PM

Aussie blokes are so good to women!!!

Pete & Di walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

Being the nice fellow he is, he thought :

"Bugger it, I'll treat her!"

So they walked past it again!

The Baron · 7th June 2012, 04:48 PM

<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="mso-cellspacing:0cm;background:white;mso-yfti-tbllook:1184;mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody><tr style="mso-yfti-irow:0;mso-yfti-firstrow:yes;mso-yfti-lastrow:yes"> <td style="padding:0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm" valign="top"> A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks If they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We Realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to Dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like
your permission to Dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the Ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," Answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam..."
"Well, okay," Says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of Course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK with in marriage, to have Children!"
"What about different Positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on Top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says The Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy Style?" -"Sure! "
"On the kitchen Table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with All my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a Couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno Video"
"You may Indeed!"
"Can we do it Standing up"
"No." Says The Mullah."
"Why not?" Asks the man.
"It could lead to Dancing."
</td> </tr> </tbody></table>

Jim Rosenthal · 7th June 2012, 08:01 PM

Reminds me of this one: Why don't Baptists screw standing up?

God might think they are dancing......

Pete McCluskey. · 14th June 2012, 03:35 AM

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats
and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully.

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and
another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and
another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where the in hell do you get
seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a
fuckin' cat

Grady · 15th June 2012, 07:58 AM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

<table style="" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td style="PADDING-BOTTOM:0in;PADDING-LEFT:0in;PADDING-RIGHT:0in;PADDING-TOP:0in;" valign="top">

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this

one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about LP tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man is not able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,

favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware that some short people are living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

</td></tr></tbody></table>

Pete McCluskey. · 19th June 2012, 08:55 PM

How to keep a woman happy . . . ..

It's really not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A man
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A bug exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments frequently
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Never stress her
50. Never look at other women!

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space

VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* her favourite colour
* her favourite flower
* her favourite gem
* her favourite fragrance
* her favourite memories
* her favourite holidays
* her favourite friends
* her favourite vacation destinations
* her favourite beverage
* her favourite food
* her favourite alcoholic drink
* her favourite restaurant
* her favourite nightclub
* any arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1.. Turn up naked with a six pack!!!!!!!!!

Pete McCluskey. · 26th June 2012, 03:38 AM

The Cow, an Ant, and an Old Prick

The Cow, an Ant, and an Old Prick
A cow, an ant and an old prick are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

Pete McCluskey. · 26th June 2012, 03:53 AM

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour" it says
"And you're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!