Jokes anyone? -

[Pete.]

Received today, the Irish virus.

[Ron Earp]

I like that one.

[Bill Musarra]

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into
his parents room to check it out.


He opened the door to see his mom bent over the
dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad
saw him and gave him a little wink and a smile as
Johnny closed the door.



After business was finished Dad went to check on
little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find
Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going
at it behind her.


Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"


Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its
YOUR mom is it?!"

[jpc_bate]

Originally Posted by Pete

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so ... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends ... They won't be able to believe it either!!!

Pete - sitting here with tears in my eyes. that is so funny. i am going away soon with my 6 nurses for a xmas weekend. I will save that until we are in the bar and had a few drinks.!!!

[jpc_bate]

I have only one joke and I tell it everytime - but its a good one.

Two brothers are playing upstairs and the 7 year old says to the 4 year old 'You know what I think ?We are old enough to start swearing'. The 4 year old asks 'How do we do that?' The 7 year old says ' Its easy just follow me.'
They go downstairs into the kitchen where their mother is.
'Good morning darlings, what would you like for breakfast?' The 7 year old says ' Shit, I'm hungry. I think I will have Coco Pops'. The mother shouts 'You what?' and knocks the 7 year old off his chair and he falls to the floor where he lies whimpering. The mother then turns to the 4 year old and in a threatening voice says' And what would you like for breakfast?' The 4 year old starts crying and says' I...I don't know but I am not having those fucking Coco Pops'.

come on give me a break......

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

'Diary of a couple' - made me chuckle...

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested
we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he
hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to
what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was
going to come in; he hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved
him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't
follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he
was going to leave me and that he had found someone
else. I cried myself to sleep.



MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007
England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though.

[Chris]

There are two old rabbis who've been friends for life. One day they were walking down the street and they were passing a Christian church. The church had a sign that read "We'll give $1000 to anyone who converts to Christianity". They looked at each other strangely because they'd never heard of such a thing. They discussed how strange it was and then one of them said "Why don't you go inside and check it out? I'll wait here." The other rabbi said ok and went inside. A while later he came back outside so his friend asked him "So, what happened? Did they give you the $1000?", to which he replied "Is that all you people think about?".

[David S.]

Heres a little Canadian Humor.

Two Newfie brothers who scavaged aircraft parts from the old U.S. airbase at Gander decide to build a rocket. After weeks of work the rocket is ready to launch. NASA finds out and sends an engineer to investigate. The engineer looks at the rocket and sees that it ready to launch and ask's the brothers where they are sending it. One of the brothers replies. "To the Sun" The engineer looks aghast and states." You can't do that it will burn Up" The two brothers look at each other and wink and reply."We got'er all figured out, were sending her up at Night.

And yes people these are the same two brothers that stated that if Quebec separated from the rest of Canada it would take five hours off the trip to Toronto.
Dave

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
"Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!"

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Two Mexicans are lost and they have been wandering aimlessly in the desert for over a week. They are ravenously hungry and near to death. Close to meeting their Maker, they are at the point of collapsing in a heap and waiting for the inevitable when all of a sudden one of them croaks:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell ?” “Iss a bacon. I sure of eet."

"Si”, says his friend, Luis. “Eet smell lik bacon to mee".

So with new found strength they struggle to their feet and climb to the top of the next sand dune and there in the distance is a tree hung with slices of dozens of rashers of cooked bacon. There is Danish bacon, New Zealand bacon, all sorts of bacon, fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, all dripping with delicious bacon fat....

"Pepe, Pepe, we is a save-d,” says Luis. "Iss a bacon tree".

“How yu sure iss not a m-i--r-age? We iss in the desert donor you forget",
says Pepe.

“Oh why yu always a pessamist ?” says Luis. Whenna deed you ever hear
of a m-i--r-age that smeellza like bacon... issa no a m-i--r-age, iss a
bacon tree".

And with that .... Luis hurries down from the top of his vantage point on
the sand dune towards the tree. Despite his emaciated condition he finds a second wind and he quickly arrives within a few hundred yards of the bacon tree, with Pepe following closely behind.

All of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is gunned down in his
tracks.

It is evident that he is mortally wounded but true friend that he, is he
tries to warn Pepe and with his dying breath he calls back to his friend:
"Pepe... Go back ! You wassa right, iss not a bacon tree." "OK amigo... I
but, if iss not a bacon tree, what iss it? "

Luis gasps (with his dying breath) ….Iss....




Iss...





Iss..





Iss.





Issa ... Ham Bush !


( Sorry! . . . . )

[Pinky]

Paul
So you should be (Sorry that is )
Kevin

[Dalton]

That's the worst joke I've heard this year.

Dalton

[Pete.]

Paul, it made me laugh.


Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem. "

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,” says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, “Dis looks like a grand place.” He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, “Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!”

[Ant]

Following on from Petes irish budie jumping...

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"
======- PART THREE =======
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"

[Pete.]

[Simon]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ...He mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week.

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times lastyear." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, and said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

This was 'lifted' from another site I frequent, posted by a biking lady...
Thank God us blokes don't have to WAX!!

-----------------------------

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,'
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do th