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Old 8th July 2013, 10:06 AM   #3061
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete View Post
The Poms will
Yeah cheers Pete, some bloody Austrilians reckon they know everything!

Hold on, sorry, that's the Septics not the Diggers mate

Oh yes, up the old Gary
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Old 8th July 2013, 06:23 PM   #3062
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Re: Jokes anyone? -


Subject: Complete; finished; the same word?

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this:

Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.


Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman [or man], you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman [or man], you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

* His answer received a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes

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Old 8th July 2013, 06:45 PM   #3063
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit! and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate's disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.! ): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole
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Old 12th July 2013, 10:38 AM   #3064
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Poker Face


Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked,

'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200,

They went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you 200?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact he did give me 200.’

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed 200 from me.

‘He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a real poker player ...
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Old 12th July 2013, 10:43 AM   #3065
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A novel solution to an age old problem........

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Old 12th July 2013, 10:58 AM   #3066
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

What do you get when you cross PMS with a GPS??????

Think about it!!!!!!








































A Bitch that will track you down!!!!!
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Old 12th July 2013, 09:42 PM   #3067
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
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Old 15th July 2013, 03:37 AM   #3068
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all said that they had discussed this with their potential

husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.
Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use.
Her answer was, “The rhythm method”.
“That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using.
“I plan on using birth control pills” she said.
Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them”.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.”
After a short delay, he told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.

Only the farm girl was still slim and trim.
Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong.
She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”'

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”

He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”

She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.

Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers ....

“I kick the bucket out from under him”.
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Old 17th July 2013, 03:22 AM   #3069
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Spelling potato

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

or GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAUE for some
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Old 17th July 2013, 08:10 AM   #3070
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Very good Nick but have I spied a flaw?

Hiccough (F sound) is another word for Hiccup (P sound) but not an alternative spelling, so ergo perhaps it should read:

FUCKITICANTPRONUNCEIT..
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Old 17th July 2013, 08:22 AM   #3071
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

I was taught the correct way to spell fish was "ghoti" think about it.
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Old 17th July 2013, 04:53 PM   #3072
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith1 View Post
Very good Nick but have I spied a flaw?

Hiccough (F sound) is another word for Hiccup (P sound) but not an alternative spelling, so ergo perhaps it should read:

FUCKITICANTPRONUNCEIT..
Keith,

"You are a very naughty boy"
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Old 18th July 2013, 04:38 AM   #3073
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

On a beach in Ft Myers


A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age,
also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers
and began reading a book.


Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"


"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.


"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.


"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back
to his book.


"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very
lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.


Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading.


Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy
cats?"


With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore
off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her
life.



When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you
know that was what I wanted?"


The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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Old 18th July 2013, 10:01 PM   #3074
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3



Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)



Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose



Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct



Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct



Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?



Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?
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Old 19th July 2013, 04:38 AM   #3075
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick Brough View Post
Keith,

"You are a very naughty boy"

Yes he is Nick, he is not the Messiah!
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Old 19th July 2013, 04:45 AM   #3076
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Quote:
Originally Posted by glloyd View Post
Yes he is Nick, he is not the Messiah!
I know. The carers cleaned me all up only this morning...
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Old 19th July 2013, 06:05 AM   #3077
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Re: Jokes anyone? - Ashes

Odds on being next to pick up the Ashes

England 6/4
Aussies 3/1
Winnie Mandella 1/3
Sheryl Gascoigne 4/5


Bob
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Old 22nd July 2013, 01:11 PM   #3078
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The blonde female mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.



(You never saw that coming, did you!)
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Old 25th July 2013, 09:32 PM   #3079
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Re: Jokes anyone? -


I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."



Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"



My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.



They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!


Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?

The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once...


Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."



A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"



A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."








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Old 29th July 2013, 07:03 PM   #3080
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does".
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