Jokes anyone? -

[wanni]

3 mexicans want to play golf. They do not have theright tools but they decide to try with the best they can.
The first say: I put the mace
The second: And me the balls
The third: I do not play anymore.......

[wanni]

If you are a Lion living in the savana, every morning wake up and start to run for getting a gazelle in order to survive.
If you are a gazelle living in the savana, every morning wake up and start to run for not be reached by the lion.
CONCLUSIONS
If you are living in the savana, every morning wake up and start to run.

[Russ]

Two mates walk up to a city bar after a hard week at the office, one goes straight in, but the other gets stopped by the bouncer at the door . ."you can't come in without a tie". . .ahhh crap thinking to himself. . .what the hell am i going to do??

Off he goes back to his car, all the while whinging to himself about just wanting a quite beer to finish the week off. He turns his car upside down. .surely there is a tie in there??. . .nope only the pantie's from the easy office PA . . into the boot he dives. .just maybe??. . .nope all he can find is a set of jumper leads

So around his neck they go, puffs his chest out and walks back up to the bouncer like its the norm . .Of course the bouncer singles him out again . .'what the hell have you got there mate??" he asks "and quick as the young bloke replies "its my tie" . .to which the bouncer replies " ok in you go. .but don't go starting anything"

[David Morton]

From national press

Football Fans Survey. In a survey of UK football fans, Man Utd fans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries firm 13 % of Man Utd fans said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 87 % said they hadn't even been to prison yet

[Keith Hardy]

[wanni]

3 sisters are going to confess.
The first walks in and tell to the priest that she touched the sex of the young baker.
The priest said to pray 25 Ave Maria and 50 Pater nostrum and to go to wash her hands in the saint water.
The last sister overtakes the second and the priest ask her why she is such in a hurry.
She answers: Father, you do not want that I wash my mouth where she will wash her ass????

[wanni]

You know mom that the new colf is very religious?
Why darling?
This morning I wend in your room and she was on top of daddy....she was screaming.... OHHH GOD....I AM COMING

[wanni]

A guy who is leaving for a long business trip, try to have the collaboration of his young son ( 3 years old ).
Darling, any time a man comes into the house, just put a sherry in this basket.
When he comes back he finds 3 sherrys and ask to the boy...only 3 men??
No momie with the first 2 baskets has made 4 pots of jam.

[wanni]

Jesus Christ travels around the word and arriving in Naples he said:
Dear friends, I promise...you will have bread and work....
- Do not take such a disturb, the bread will be more then sufficient

[wanni]

At the market there is a Chinese selling apples and declaring that his apples are testing banana.
- The one selling the apples on the other side of the road: What fucking hell are you talking about...it is impossible
- TLY SIL...Please tly
- You are right but you do not have apples testing strawberries???
- Yes sil...tly this one.
- unbelievable...but you do not have an apple testing pussy??
- Pls sil tly that
- This one tests like a shit..
- Tuln it please, tuln it

[wanni]

Two monkeys speak themselves:
- Mom, why we are therefore ugly?
- If you could see the face of who is now reading the joke, you would console yourself.

[RichardH]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??











The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."

[Pete.]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors every day and twice on weekends.'

The priest said, 'By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind ... But I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?

[Pete.]

A Qld farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?
"He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.
If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

[Pete.]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past ahooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself ashe approached her for what was almost certain to follow.


'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb. 'No! Fivepounds!' he would fire back, just to shut her up.


This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd runby and she'd yell 'One hundred and fifty pounds!' He'd yell back 'Fivepounds!'


One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on hisjog.


As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, PrinceCharles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.


As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.


He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes, as she watched the pair jog past.

Then from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'

[Russ]

An elderly lady takes her dog to the vet as she thinks its becoming deaf. The vet checks it over, and finds an easy solution to the problem, "Its a buildup of hair in your little dogs ears" he tells her . . .so he trims away, and hey presto, little Mitsy is a new dog. "In the future just go to your local chemist and buy some Nair, hair removal cream rub it in your dogs ear, leave it for a few minuted and wipe it out"

Sure enough a few months later little Mitsy isn't hearing old Mabel too well again, so off she goes to her local chemist.
"I'm after some Nair hair removal cream" to which the chemist replied "sure . . if its for under your arms don't use spray deoderant for a few days" . . ."Its not for under my arms" Mabel replies . . ."If its for your legs, best not to wear stockings for a day or two" . . oh its not for my legs" Mabel say's. . ."If you must know its for my Shnauzer". . .to which the chemist replies "then stay off your bike for a week!!"

[Chris]

What did the lepper say to the hooker?












Keep the tip.

[Malcolm]

Why did the hooker leave the leper colony?






business was dropping off





(one of the few jokes I remember from school!)

[SteveB]

Decisions Decisions

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on a new management system at their hospital:

The Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised, no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists each yelled, 'Over my dead body,' while the Pediatricians said, 'Grow up!'