Jokes anyone? -

[Jac Mac]

------GT Forum---- But officer ,do you not understand, RCR stands for Retired Cobra Racer, and anyway until my transaxle arrives this is a push n go model!-----

[Bill Musarra]

Joe wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, I rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the dishes!"

[Danimal]

---GT40 Forum-----some punk in a Ferrari tried to race me today----

[Bill Musarra]

Deleted

[Bill Musarra]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the Middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.



As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.



The mother and daughter jumped and Yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.



Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going To be when he grows older?'



The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son In-law.'

[Bill Musarra]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling , and the

86-year-old said ,

Things are great and I've never felt better.

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'



The doctor considered his question for a minute and

then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you , who is an avid hunter

and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane

instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,

'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly

[Bill Musarra]

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Fred Couples drives his new Mercedes into An Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish Manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Fred gets out of the car, two tees Fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" Asks the attendant.

They're called tees," replies Fred.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" Inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Fred.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims The Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."

[Peter D]

guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
Chicken Sandwich: £2.50
Hand Job: £10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands you dirtyb!*£^h, I want a cheese sandwich!"

-------------

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the Doctor about the baby. The Doctor replies, "Madam, you had twins. A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your Brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my Brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the Doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the Doctor says. The new Mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name. I guess I was wrong about my Brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the Doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The Doctor replies, "Denephew."

-------------

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

-------------

Two philosophers sitting in a nudist camp.

One says, "Have you read Marx?"

"Yes," says the other "it must be these wicker chairs."

--------------

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys, shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said: "you may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

-----------


As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls
up alongside.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and
you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,

"Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking
his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The
trucker lowers the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your
load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is
Tony and I'm driving a f**king gritter!"

----------------

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

----------------

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

-----------------

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has
been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green
every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, slim, redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, ....



"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

[David Morton]

Peter D,
A brilliant selection. Too much at one go but so funny. Made a lot of people smile all day.

[Keith Hardy]

Well I can't compete with those but here's a quickie for you...

I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself :

Silly buggers have lost the plot.

[Pete.]

Originally Posted by Keith1

Well I can't compete with those but here's a quickie for you...

I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself :

Silly buggers have lost the plot.

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!

[Pete.]

Here is one back for you Keith.


"Yesterday I went into army disposals and bought some camouflage pants."


Now I can't find them.

[Pete.]

And the Master of One-Liners...
George Carlin

• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
• Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
• Does killing time damage eternity?
• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
• Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
• Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
• Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?
• Do pilots take crash-courses?
• Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• How do you get off a non-stop flight?
• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
• How many weeks are there in a light year?
• If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
• If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
• If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
• Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
• Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

[Pete.]

Some things your dream girl might say. I deleted a couple so Ron doesn't ban me.



2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4) Shouldn't you be down the pub with your mates?

5) That fart was great! Do another one!

6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.

7) You're so sexy with a hangover.

8) I'd rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.

9) Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.

10) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?



12) I really like football, can you take me to a game.

13) You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive.

14) Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen.

15) I think a big motorbike is a good idea.

16) I don't care if my bum looks big in this, let's just go and get pissed.

17) We haven't gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.

18) Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me.

[Keith Hardy]

Damn! No. 11 was my favourite....

[David Morton]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a
heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest
hospital is too under-staffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the
PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself.

He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you
have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven.

Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But I've already made
up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown.

"I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects.

And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down,
down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22° C.
In the distance is a beautiful club-house.

Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist
luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael
Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc.

The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing,
happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they
had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The
Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and
relax, Gord!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it
just gets better from there!" Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking
the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny
jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones
the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education,
Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to
go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator
and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and
Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man
says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other
than money and treat each other decently.

Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not
caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor.

He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone
special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never
prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in
Hell and a day in Heaven.

Now choose where you want to live for Eternity." With the 'Deal or No Deal'
theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then
answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven
has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my
friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all
the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched
earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit
like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and
more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained
together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic
bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and ha