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Old 9th July 2016, 08:11 AM   #4221
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Talking Re: Jokes anyone? -

Poor Essex gerwl --still ROFLAMAO --the bachelor takes the cake though
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Old 9th July 2016, 08:17 AM   #4222
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith1 View Post
Essex Larry. She is speaking Essex...
Thanks for clearing that up!
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Old 12th July 2016, 10:44 AM   #4223
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago 's inner city residents say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Kinda brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it.
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Old 15th July 2016, 10:55 AM   #4224
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton go Ice Fishing…How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call? With an ice fishing contest, of course!

After the first round of votes were counted, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were deadlocked.Instead of going through a recount, the two agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.

The candidates decided a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both candidates would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5pm.

After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing.

Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing!
That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were just going to follow Trump to spy on him and figure out how he was cheating.

Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total!
That night, Hillary and her democratic buddies got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said, “You are not going to believe this, he’s cutting holes in the ice!”

And that, my friends, tells you all you need to know about the intelligence on the left side of the aisle!

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Old 15th July 2016, 03:42 PM   #4225
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

NEW GOLF RULES:

There will no longer be a penalty stoke for hitting a ball into the water or out of bounds.

The USGA , the R&A, and the PGA, after a private meeting with Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch on a plane somewhere in the Southwest, have recommended that your opponent must prove that you intended to hit the ball into these hazards in order for there to be a penalty.


Gross negligence, carelessness or ignorance is not intent.


No intent -- no penalty stroke.

'Simple...


Last edited by Larry L.; 15th July 2016 at 03:47 PM.
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Old 15th July 2016, 05:38 PM   #4226
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday.

His funfair will be on Monkey
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Old 16th July 2016, 10:11 AM   #4227
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Head: Puck you Heart
Heart: Puck you too Head
Penis: Did anyone say puck??
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Old 5th August 2016, 12:12 PM   #4228
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Wife to her Accountant husband: 
"What is inflation?
"

Husband: 
"Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48. 
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. 
That is inflation."

...he never heard the shot...
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Old 5th August 2016, 12:16 PM   #4229
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

If swimming is good for one's figure, explain whales to me.
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Old 5th August 2016, 04:46 PM   #4230
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

It's a hilly land just to the left of England.

But there is a bridge now, you don't need to swim.
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Old 5th August 2016, 05:23 PM   #4231
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Quote:
Originally Posted by glloyd View Post
It's a hilly land just to the left of England.

But there is a bridge now, you don't need to swim.
Very good
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Old 12th August 2016, 10:26 AM   #4232
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A lapsed parishioner entered the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other, there was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, the guy said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must say the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."


The priest replied indignantly, "You moron, you're on my side..."
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Old 13th August 2016, 04:54 AM   #4233
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'



Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'


Dave Allen
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Old 14th August 2016, 01:51 PM   #4234
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Wonder if they are cumulative.
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Old 17th August 2016, 04:58 PM   #4235
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

I found this a far more 'fun read' than your typical obit - and it's pretty obvious that was the author's intent!

From The New York Post...reportedly an actual obituary:


"He assures us he is gone.

William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69.

We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.

He leaves behind four children, five grandchildren, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.

William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didnít much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war.

Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts.

Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman.

After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired.

Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).

Following his wishes, there will not be a service, but wellwishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor.

He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another.

He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but donít open these at work). Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet. Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed."
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Old 21st August 2016, 12:24 PM   #4236
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Always liked this one......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wpq4Tu2NnrQ


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Old 25th August 2016, 03:11 PM   #4237
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

------------------------
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth
-------------------------

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
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Old 27th August 2016, 07:21 PM   #4238
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

I don't follow football but a Bud of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5pm. Her name's Louise. She will be the one in the white dress.
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Old 28th August 2016, 09:51 PM   #4239
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

The Little Irish Pub

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught today?'


'You're the eighth.’
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Old 29th August 2016, 11:03 PM   #4240
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Great Sex Quotes



"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone




"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods




"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson




"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)




"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams




"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman




"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld




"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams




"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom ."
Joan Rivers



Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin




You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips



"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
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