Jokes anyone? -

[Scott Calabro]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little
red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was
also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's
license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your
picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it
back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

[Peter D]

Scott, that's a cracker !!

[David Morton]

Superbly funny. I told it to my wife.

Another blond.


She didn't get it.

[Gregg]

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.


Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT

[Pete.]

The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?'



Grandpa replied, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, it's just a
little pecker!'



Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a beer.

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little
boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'



Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered 'no,' again.



Grandpa said, Then you're not man enough to have a cigar.'

A little later, the boy came out of the house with
some cookies and milk.



Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'



The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'



Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can
touch my ass!'

The boy replied, 'Then go f***k yourself! Grandma
made these for
me.'

[Pete.]

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

[Pete.]

Duct tape/race tape contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT good for fixing everything.


Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"









(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

[David Morton]

later

[Keith Hardy]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, 'Some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?''Wales, sir,' the boy replied.'Well, why did you leave Wales ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there.'

'Oh really,' replied the manager? 'My wife is from Wales !'

'Really??' replied the boy. 'Who does she play for?'

[Malcolm]

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her
beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two and gorgeous.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married
and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me." !

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car!

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family."


And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

[David Morton]

Have you ever sat on a plane, or bus next to an irritating seat-mate who keeps talking to you and snooping at everything you read?

Next time, just follow these simple instructions:
And get ready to enjoy your well-deserved privacy.

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop, and open it.
3. Start up.
4. Make sure the guy annoying you can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. Take a very deep breath...
6 Then open this web address...

http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf

[Simon]

But then you'll have to put up with him having a heart attack in the next seat!!!

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Another (might have been seen before but made me laugh):


My wife was driving to the city, and I was at home watching the TV news.

I heard that a car on the freeway she was taking was going the wrong way and causing havoc so I thought I'd ring her to warn her.

I said: "Honey, be careful, there's a car going the wrong way up the freeway"

She answered: "A car? There's hundreds!!!"

[Pete.]

I went into the gas station today and
Asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[David Morton]

Pete - you said I was going PC ? OK - here we go:

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last fucking white man to be called Winston!'


I've just loaded 'Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator' onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!



What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.


What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

The McCartneys
But really we shouldn't make fun of macca.. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?



Women eh!

Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, lipo suction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they STILL wont take it up the arse cause it 'hurts'.


Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......



A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'.




Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'


A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother'

[ross henry]

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful
woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He is gob-smacked by
how attractive she is.

He decides because she's that pretty, she's probably an off-duty flight
attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto "We love to fly and
it shows".

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He
leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world".

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
"Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him and says "What the f%ck do you want?"

"Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "SAA".