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Old 1st September 2017, 10:45 AM   #4401
Larry L.
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Today's 'groaner':


What do you call 50 rabbits marching backwards?












A receding hairline.
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Old 1st September 2017, 12:47 PM   #4402
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old!, well...you'll love this one.



My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50+ years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.

"yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"when did you graduate?" i asked.

He answered, "in 1957. Why do you ask?"

"you were in my class!" i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked me -------



........... "what did you teach?" ..........
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Old 1st September 2017, 03:04 PM   #4403
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Admiral Horatio Nelson is standing on the rear deck of his flagship. His first mate Hardy approaches and says "Admiral Nelson, we have a report from the crow's nest of ten French war ships on the horizon."

Admiral Nelson says "Hardy, go down below and get my red tunic. If I'm struck I don't want them to see me bleed." Hardy goes down below and retrieves his tunic and stops by the crow's nest for an update. Approaching Admiral Nelson nervously he says "Admiral Nelson, we have an update from the crows nest. There's actually a hundred French war ships on the horizon."

Without batting an eye, Admiral Nelson says "Hardy, go down below and get my brown pants."
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Old 4th September 2017, 12:00 AM   #4404
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Just found out singing in the shower is all fun and games, until of course you get shampoo in your mouth...then it just becomes a soap opera
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Old 24th September 2017, 05:10 PM   #4405
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Practical advice on how to relax.

''I pet my dog'' - YouTube
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Old 7th October 2017, 06:13 AM   #4406
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Knur and Spell how they settle differences up North

BBC Archive - #OTD 1972: Greetland had the honour of... | Facebook
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Old 3rd November 2017, 01:32 PM   #4407
Larry L.
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.


To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.
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Old 12th November 2017, 06:42 PM   #4408
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Useful conversion chart for vintage and classic car advertisements.
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Old 17th November 2017, 10:56 AM   #4409
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your stinkin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
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Old 17th November 2017, 11:05 AM   #4410
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

The Thirsty Criminal….
A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.
The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"
'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
"They won't let me in without a tie..."
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Old 6th December 2017, 03:33 PM   #4411
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

I personally have the deluxe model which dries itself and returns to the pan draw on it's own.
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Old 11th December 2017, 05:51 AM   #4412
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

To all of the group that is GT40's, firstly a big thank you for all the kind words and encouragement over this past year, it all paid off thankfully and the Macca is finished.
so to all i would like to wish you a very merry X Mass, may Santa bring lots of goodies for your projects, and may you have a safe and prosperous new year.
ho ho bloody ho
cheers John
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