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Old 1st September 2017, 10:45 AM   #4401
Larry L.
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Today's 'groaner':


What do you call 50 rabbits marching backwards?












A receding hairline.
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Old 1st September 2017, 12:47 PM   #4402
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old!, well...you'll love this one.



My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50+ years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.

"yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"when did you graduate?" i asked.

He answered, "in 1957. Why do you ask?"

"you were in my class!" i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked me -------



........... "what did you teach?" ..........
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Old 1st September 2017, 03:04 PM   #4403
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Admiral Horatio Nelson is standing on the rear deck of his flagship. His first mate Hardy approaches and says "Admiral Nelson, we have a report from the crow's nest of ten French war ships on the horizon."

Admiral Nelson says "Hardy, go down below and get my red tunic. If I'm struck I don't want them to see me bleed." Hardy goes down below and retrieves his tunic and stops by the crow's nest for an update. Approaching Admiral Nelson nervously he says "Admiral Nelson, we have an update from the crows nest. There's actually a hundred French war ships on the horizon."

Without batting an eye, Admiral Nelson says "Hardy, go down below and get my brown pants."
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Old 4th September 2017, 12:00 AM   #4404
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Just found out singing in the shower is all fun and games, until of course you get shampoo in your mouth...then it just becomes a soap opera
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Old 24th September 2017, 05:10 PM   #4405
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Practical advice on how to relax.

''I pet my dog'' - YouTube
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Old 7th October 2017, 06:13 AM   #4406
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Knur and Spell how they settle differences up North

BBC Archive - #OTD 1972: Greetland had the honour of... | Facebook
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Old 3rd November 2017, 01:32 PM   #4407
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.


To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.
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Old 12th November 2017, 06:42 PM   #4408
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Useful conversion chart for vintage and classic car advertisements.
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Old 17th November 2017, 10:56 AM   #4409
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your stinkin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
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Old 17th November 2017, 11:05 AM   #4410
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

The Thirsty Criminal….
A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.
The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"
'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
"They won't let me in without a tie..."
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Old 6th December 2017, 03:33 PM   #4411
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

I personally have the deluxe model which dries itself and returns to the pan draw on it's own.
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Old 11th December 2017, 05:51 AM   #4412
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

To all of the group that is GT40's, firstly a big thank you for all the kind words and encouragement over this past year, it all paid off thankfully and the Macca is finished.
so to all i would like to wish you a very merry X Mass, may Santa bring lots of goodies for your projects, and may you have a safe and prosperous new year.
ho ho bloody ho
cheers John
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Old 30th December 2017, 02:38 PM   #4413
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

What do you call someone who who cannot stick to a diet?

A desserter.
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Old 31st December 2017, 06:41 PM   #4414
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Australia's favorite son , little Jonny was at school one day when they had an English lesson,
the teacher asked, seeing as Australia has a unique language for the class to come up with an Australian word, and if its not in the dictionary they get 5 points.
so little Jonny waves his hand in the air, "yes Johnny" asked the teacher,

"Garn miss" says johnny, Mmm Garn lets see is that in the dictionary, "no it doesnt seem to be, so for another 5 points can you give me a sentence with Garn in it"
"yes miss, Garn get stuffed"
Jonny thats disgusting , out into the hall with you for the strap
so he gets six of the best then returns to his seat very quietly , then the teacher asks again for another word,
Jonny immediately raises his hand, and the teach thinks , as he's just been punished for one discretion he wont do that again, so she asked " yes Jonny"
"Smee miss" he replied
"Mmm Smee lets see is that in the dictionary, no it doesnt seem to be there either, can you give me a sentence with Smee in it"
"yes miss" jonny replied
"It smee again, Garn get stuffed"
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Old 11th January 2018, 09:26 PM   #4415
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Sailor, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."



Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "May I feel your tits, then?"
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Old 21st January 2018, 10:15 AM   #4416
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Hope you can see this it's hilarious, when you have just got to give it a go.



TITP & Banter - When you and your pals decide to go...
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Old 23rd January 2018, 04:57 PM   #4417
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving
at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her.

So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love
to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 08:29 AM   #4418
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

JEREMY CLARKSON TESTING WINE - YouTube
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Old 14th February 2018, 03:01 PM   #4419
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Makes you think.


When you can't afford that loud exhaust system - YouTube
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Old 16th February 2018, 06:22 AM   #4420
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick Brough View Post

That is classic Nick!
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