Jokes anyone? -

[David Morton]

I belong to the 203 Squadron R.A.F. website and somebody just posted this as to the reasons why we forward jokes on to each other. I'm the opposite of sentimental but I'm reproducing the post here.
Make of it what you will.

This may explain why we forward jokes:

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are welcome at my water bowl anytime.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

[Murray Cowley]

Thanks David, I liked that, a lot.

[Pete.]

Nice David, thank you. Here is a joke for you.


The Colonel's Order

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

[Pete.]

A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of beer and sticks them into the trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on special offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says. 'Put them back, we can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE.'

[Dimi]

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
It was right down there by that tree.
I remember the day plainly.
It was a warm summer day.
She and I were so much in love.
We walked down to that tree and we made love for hours.
Joe recalled.

"That sounds wonderful" says Kevin.

Yes it was great until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

"Oh my god"!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her young daughter??????????.

"Baaaaaaa" said Joe.


Dimi

[Dimi]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is

completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:


'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf"


Dimi

[David Morton]

Just brilliantly funny....


Almost reminds me of being stationed in Malta in the RAF.
But I won't go there.....

[Bill Musarra]

Redneck tanktop!!!

[Peter D]

Bill, either that guy's got very skinny, double-jointed legs, or that girl has a face that I don't want to see !!

Kind Regards,

Peter D.

[Andy]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress
party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg,
so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes
a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has
gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a
very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick
your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Chris Headon]

The Ferrari formula 1 team have sacked all their pit lane crew after hearing that a team of 10 year olds from Manchester could remove all four tyres from a car in less than 2 seconds. Ther were suprised however, when after 5 seconds the same 10 year olds had respayed the car and sold it to McClaren

[Pete.]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 .. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Big Boobs 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Malcolm]

Gee, and I was struggling to decide between Microsoft or Apple! Good one Pete.

[Keith Hardy]

Originally Posted by Malcolm

Gee, and I was struggling to decide between Microsoft or Apple! Good one Pete.

No contest Malcolm. Take a bite of the Big Apple!

[Paul]

A big city-slicker lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Well, apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee.

We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-capped work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushin' from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and dragged himself to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part...)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[speed220mph]

A deaf couple were married. They quickly found that communication was difficult at night in the dark bedroom. The wife had a suggestion.

Using signing, she said, "If you want sex squeeze my left breast once. If you don't want sex, squeeze my right breast twice."

"Sounds good," he says, "but I have a suggestion. When you want sex pull on my manhood once. However, when you don't want sex pull on my manhood 250 times."