Jokes anyone? -

[Pete.]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
Metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take
Your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
Went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
Out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
Go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

[Pete.]

A man goes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly. "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."

[Andy]

Hehe Pete, especially the assasin joke.



An Italian Boy’s Confession


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I can not tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"

4 months vacation and five good leads.

[Scott Calabro]

A woman awakes during the night to find that
her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and downstairs to look
for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front of him.

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you
down here at this time of night?'

Do you remember when I met you and you were only
16?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her
husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in
the back seat of my car, making love?' 'Yes, I remember' says the wife, lowering
herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... 'Do you remember when he
shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will
send you to jail for
20 years?'' 'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

I would have gotten out today.

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Variation on a them I've seen before:


A biker was riding along a Californian beach when suddenly the skyclouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said " I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said,"Please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?!"

[brianstewart]

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest
and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. - Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish
moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin
w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

[Pete.]

Been there many times.

[David Morton]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
pub and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and
I don't give a shit.

[David Morton]

http://www.weewilliewalsh.co.uk/

Quite topical.......................

[Bill Bayard]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his
testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times
a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
"Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
"Same illness, better insurance."

[Pete.]

We are in trouble...
The population of The United States is 300 million.





160 million are retired.





That leaves 140 million to do the work.






There are 85 million in school.






Which leaves 55 million to do the work.







Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.








Leaving 15 million to do the work.







2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.








Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.








At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.









Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.






Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons





That leaves just two people to do the work






You and me.



And there you are,




Sitting on your ass,







At your computer, reading jokes.



Nice. Real nice

[Pete.]

I've got a dog.
I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Meaty Bites Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.


I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me

[Mal]

Originally Posted by Pete

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.

Pete, It's not really that bad cos you lost 5 million in the above lines.When I looked there were only 16 of us reading 40's jokes so the rest must be working.

[ghur]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers :
Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen now run along and put the kettle on.

[John]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed
as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and
you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed
as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



scroll down...


















...




...

Answer:

Get off the Kids Merry Go Round ya Walley, you're pissed.

[Jay V]

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information , but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, The End.


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