Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

I'd seen that before and STILL tried to lick my elbow.

[Chris P.]

"One hundred and one"... actually, I had a teacher that old us it specifically was NOT "one hundred AND one"; that would mean the operation 100 + 1, not the number 101. That had always made logical sense to me, and I have always said it as "one hundred one" ever since... (I'm in America).

Funny thing - I still don't have a cell phone. Neither does my wife. Neither of us want one either.

They forgot one that I would personally include: What is the plural form of octopus? Yup! Octopuses! And yes, octopi is accepted as well, BUT, octopuses is the first one listed in every dictionary I've looked in.

Or how about this: Hydrogen is highly flammable and oxygen supports combustion, but water (H2O) is use to put fires out.

AND... opossum is actually supposed to be pronounced "uh-pos-uh m" (again, the first one listed in the dictionary).

AND... something I personally believe, but I could be wrong... (this comes from reading old recipes from medieval times)... the nursery rhyme "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold..." is probably supposed to be "Peas pottage hot, peas pottage cold..." because porridge is made with a meal or cereal (a grain), not with peas which technically are a fruit, not a vegetable in themselves. Pottage was something that was cooked together in a pot, of course.

AND, on that note... the word potable (meaning that water is fit for consumption) is pronounced poh-tuh-buh l not pot-uh-buh l.

OK, I'm off my soap box....

[brianstewart]

Just being pedantic here, but octopus is derived from Greek, not Latin. Therefore the plural should technically be octpodes. However, octopuses has become the most accepted form in modern usage and octopi a poor alternative. OK, yes, I'm a marine biologist and, as I said, just being pedantic.... No offence Chris.

[Pete McCluskey.]

Originally Posted by brianstewart

Just being pedantic here, but octopus is derived from Greek, not Latin. Therefore the plural should technically be octpodes. However, octopuses has become the most accepted form in modern usage and octopi a poor alternative. OK, yes, I'm a marine biologist and, as I said, just being pedantic.... No offence Chris.

Lets get back to the jokes.

[JoeT]

What ever happened to that thread on the "Wooden Supercars"? I must say that was an impressive collection of cheesy puns. Wood'n ya say so?

[JoeT]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
'My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: 18 goes into 54
a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[JoeT]

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m yf a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

[brianstewart]

OK Pete, a tattoo for the extroverts here....

[Paul]

The Project Manager was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff
> and Project Group. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its
> brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained
> that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his
> usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of
> sex was 'work' and how much of sex was 'pleasure?'
>
> A Construction Manager chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
>
> A Process Engineer said it was 50-50%.
>
> The Civil Engineer responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure,
> depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
>
> There being no consensus, the Project Manager turned to the Piping
> Designer. What was HIS opinion?
>
> With no hesitation, the young Piping Designer responded, 'Sir, it has to
> be 100% pleasure.'
>
> The Project Manager was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
>
'Well, Sir,' he began, 'if there was any work involved, all the
> Engineers and Managers would have me doing it for them.'
>
> The room fell silent.

[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.2pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.2pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.2pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.2pt" width="100%">DIFFICULTTO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<st1:place w:st="on">Bell</st1:place></st1:City>? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning






</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%">Subject: GOD

<FONT face=Arial><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<st1:country-region w:st="on">AUSTRALIA</st1:country-region></st1:place>!!



</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Trevor Booth]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

[Trevor Booth]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor - she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[Trevor Booth]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's big shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

"Didn't you say, to the Policeman at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the solicitor. Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move".

"However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes".

"Then he came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are you feeling? Now what the fuck would you say?"

[Bill Musarra]

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

And the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only lo gical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.


SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

[Bill Musarra]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to be able to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

[brianstewart]

The Giraffe Test

Think about it.........no cheating!

OK, let's see how many "smarty pants"
we have out there!!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.












The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tested whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?















Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong answer.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.




3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend .... except one. Which animal does not attend?

















Correct answer : The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there!
This tested your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?












Correct answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been paying attention?
All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong,
but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a 4-year old.

[Paul]

Denial at all costs

[John]

Shamus walked into a local pup one day , wandered up to the bar and in a hurried voice says to the barman,
can ya be givin me 6 double whiskies as quick as ye can
the barman promptly puts the 6 double whiskies on the bar, and Shamus downs them one after the other in record time and then to the bar man says,
can ya be givin me 6 more laddy and as quick as ya kan
the barman puts 6 more up and as fast as the hit the bar, Shamus downs them, one after the other.
You Know in all my years as a barman I've never sen a man drink like that.
well you would if you had what i had , proclaims a tipsy Shamus,
oh my god , says the barman, i'm sorry mate i didnt no, what exactly is it youve got
Shamus looks him straight in the eye and says,
fifty cents

[Paul]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

'You rotten bitch,' she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'