Jokes anyone? -

[Bill Bayard]

Willie, a young, not so bright, country boy of 16, was taken to a big city

cathouse by his cousin Jimmy, for his first sexual encounter with an

experienced woman. Cousin Jimmy described his first time at the

cathouse with the two Bear sisters, who had plum wore him out. Willie, on

the edge of his seat with excitement said, "I'm ready for anything. Bring on

the Bear sisters, cuz!"


True to fashion, the Bear sisters wore Willie's willie darn near clean off. When

he was finally done, he rushed outside to tell his cousin about his adventure

with the Bear sisters. "Cuz, I'm saving my money for some more of them two

Bear sisters! They wuz amazing!", Willie exclaimed.


On Willie's next visit to the cathouse, the Bear sisters were occupied, so the

madam told Willie to wait in a bedroom, and the Bear sisters would be along

soon. While Willie was waiting, an old, black woman came in to clean the

room. She couldn't help but notice the anticipatory bulge in Willie's pants,

and not having had sex in a while, suggested that he show it to her, in hopes

of "furthering their relationship". Willie obliged, revealing his blue veined

throbber. The woman was unable to restrain herself and said, " D'ya mind if'n

I touch it?", to which Willie replied, "OK". The old woman put a death grip on

it, and prodded further, "D'ya mind if'n I put my lips on it?" "Better not.", Willie

said, "This thing's loaded for Bear. It'd blow a coon's head clean off!"

[Pete.]

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer Concerned, the blonde counselor approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however the blonde noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching,again she asked, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay" looking at the blonde suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, she then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" ... "Because I'm the goalkeeper ."

[Bill Musarra]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.



After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'



'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive More than a day or two.'



'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'



'Anything, Father.'



'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might See yours.'



'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'


The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.



'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he Fondled them for several minutes..



'Father, could I ask something of you?'



'Yes, Sister?'



'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'



'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.



'Oh Father, may I touch it?'



The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was Sporting a huge erection.



'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give life.'



'Is that true Father?'



'Yes, it is, Sister.'



'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. . Stick it in the camel and let's get The hell out of here!

[Mike]

How the system works!

[Pete.]

THE WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Pete.]

---

Father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the Pillow. It was addressed 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling handsffice:smarttags" />:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own Way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter

Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters 'PTO'.
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:


PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbours' house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Paul]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us
take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the
crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year."

[Jay V]

this is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story......

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh, if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, That fish will jump for the fly...And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the stream preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...And that fish leaps for it...That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish...I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...And that fish jumps for that fly..And that bear grabs for that fish..The dumb hunter will shoot the bear...And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...And that fish jumps for that fly...And that bear grabs for that fish...And that hunter shoots that bear...And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.

[Bill Musarra]

Does this sound like someone we kow????? HHMMMMM!!!!


I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to sh!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Safeway grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Save on Foods. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[Paul]

A husband and wife went for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife
went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been
married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time the therapist got up, walked around the
desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the
husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I play golf.'

[Ryan]

There's a priest, a pastor and an engineer waiting in line for the guillotine.

Reason unknown,

Regardless the priest gets up there and they ask if he has any last words. He prays to God for his salvation as they place his head in the stocks.

They pull the cord and down comes the knife, stopping 3 ft from his head.
The crowd exclaims, "it's an act of god let him go."
So they do, and the priest is released.

Next, they bring up the pastor and they ask if he has any last words.
So, just like the priest he begins to pray.

They pull the cord and down comes the blade, stopping 2 ft from his neck.
And the crowd screams, "let him go."

So they do, and bring up the engineer. Lord knows why the engineer is having his head cut off, but hey who hasn't wanted to hurt the engineer that designed the Ford Duraspark ignition system.

Regardless, they place the engineer in the stocks and ask him, "do you have any last words."

The engineer looks up, and catches a glimpse of a piece of switch that has lodged in the track in the guillotine jamming the blade. He says, " Wait, wait hold everything I think I found the problem!"

Oblivious to the fact the solution will end his life, the happy engineer has solved the issue.

No common sense, but man can they find an issue with anything!

[David Morton]

[David Morton]

I'll try it again later on.

[Pete.]

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down,
and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine."

[Pete.]

Wisdom from Military Manuals
________________________________________
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.
That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.'
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
----------------------------- ---------------------
'Aim towards the Enemy'
- Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
----------------------------- ---------------------
'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.'
- U.S. Marine Corps
----------------------------- ---------------------
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
----------------------------- ---------------------
'If the Enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal
----------------------------- ---------------------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed'
- U.S. Air Force Manual
---------------------------------------------------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword