Jokes anyone? -

[John Coombs]

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he
was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then,
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good
news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens
demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
morning."

[Bill Musarra]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, lets talk. I ' ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. ' ?

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ' What would you like to talk about? ' ?

' Oh, I don ' t know, ' said the stranger. ' How about nuclear power? ' and he smiles?

' OK, ' she said. ' That could be an interesting topic.?

But let me ask you a question first. ' A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass, am I right ? ' asked the young girl.[/font]
[FONT='Palatino Linotype','serif']'Correct, spot on, ' said the stranger.[/font]
[FONT='Palatino Linotype','serif']The little girl continued, ' Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is? ' ?
[/font]
[FONT='Palatino Linotype','serif']The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl ' s intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea. ' ?

To which the little girl replies, ' Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don ' t know shit?[/font]

[Malcolm]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[Pete.]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.

[Ant]

fficeffice" />
[FONT='Georgia','serif']Count Dracula is out on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various pubs and clubs and biting unsuspecting women's necks.

He then starts heading for home, along Argyle Street, sometime before dawn.

Suddenly, he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing.

He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. "Mmmm," he thinks, "what's going on here?"

A few yards further on and... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He turns round as quick as he can; again he sees nothing.

Again he looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground in front of him. "How odd," he thinks.

A few more yards further along the street and CRASH. Smacked on the back of the head yet again! He spins round as quick as he can; again, absolutely nothing.

He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down on the pavement and there's a small piece of pizza lying on the ground in front of him.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. He sees nothing.

He walks a few yards further along and then gets a tap on the shoulder.

With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of smoke, he turns round as fast as he can.

He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickled silverskin onion.

On the ground, dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath, he gasps "Who the hell are you?"



Wait for it...



Are you ready?



Brace yourself...

[/font]










[FONT='Georgia','serif']"BUFFET, the vampire slayer."[/font]

[Bill Musarra]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of
the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It was not
quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the
remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room.
Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one
man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at
6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her
immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly
be up to 15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening two-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant
person the entire round.

The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.

She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were very amazed, but wondered if she was just tryingto make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They could notfigure her out. She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be
showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week, they all had their game faces on. However, this
week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each
was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.
As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady
lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly
beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so
complimentary of their strong play that it was hard to keep a grudge
against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped
the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his
curiosity no longer. He asked her di rectly, "How do you decide if you
are going to golf right-handed or left-handed?

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That is easy. When my dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in
college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
"you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and
if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I am fifteen minutes late."

[Pete.]

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,
3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.


Thought to myself - they've lost the f#%king plot.

[Pete.]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

[Pete.]

10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

• 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
• 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
• 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
• 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
• 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
• 5. The password is "Bubba".
• 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
• 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
• 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

• 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[Bill Bayard]

An armed balaclava clad robber bursts into the Royal Bank of Scotland and forces the

tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Scottish

customer grabs the balaclava and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots

him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly Scottish gent, looking down, tentatively

raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse."

[Bill Musarra]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class of six year olds. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...



'I think the man would have said - 'Well, fuck me!! A talking pig!'

[Pete.]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an
attractive man standing alone. She approached him.



'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family
name?'




'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the
things I like most -- cars and men.'



'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

[Jay V]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-EN JOY ED COMPANION.'

5 She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It' s not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR
CLEAVAGE.'

[Bill Musarra]

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the
woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his
ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the
patch.

All of a sudden . .. .POOF!!


In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She
said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll
never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his
friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!!!

[David Morton]

Once upon a time, and far-far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme and would pay when it was proven. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work ,as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. The nextday, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer... Moral: Be careful what you wish for.....

[Pat Buckley]

Two gay men are standing at a bus stop talking when the most beautiful woman they have ever seen walks past.

They both eye her as she approaches and as she leaves.

Finally the one gay says to the other, "you know it's times like this I wish I was a lesbian".

[Bill Musarra]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's f