Jokes anyone? -

[Al Jones]

What's the sparkle in a Blonde's eyes? -- a flashlight in her ear.

[Jay V]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Australia named Pete, stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

[John S]

Originally Posted by BundleOfSnakes

How to Shower

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your ...

Really laughed at this one (and it's so true).

John

[Bill Musarra]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.



He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."



As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.


Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!


She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"


"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.


With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.


He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"



"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.


Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."


Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.


He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the I rishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"


At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"


With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[David Lowe]

'See what us blokes can look forward to when we get old'


MY PRIVATE PART DIED


An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part

hanging out of his pyjamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.

'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,

but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[Lambo]

For Your Info:

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Americans drink, on the average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Makes You Proud To Be An American!

[Lambo]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Bill Musarra]

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery in Logan , Utah .


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE :
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other!

[Bill Musarra]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']The Silent Generation...people born between 1925 and 1945.

The Baby Boomers...people born between 1946 and 1964.

Generation X...people born between 1965 and 1982.

Generation Y...people born between 1983 and 1997.

Why do we call the last group of people Generation Y?
I had no idea until I saw this caricaturist's explanation! A picture is worth a thousand words![/font]

[Russ Noble]

They met in the bar on a Friday night after work

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced
him, looked him straight in the eye and said

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with"?

[ross henry]

HELL EXPLAINED BYCHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P> This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God".

[David Lowe]

ASK A SILLY QUESTION?????

I've got two dogs, and I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at big W, and was waiting line to pay for them.

A woman behind me asked, "Have you got a dog"???

On impulse, I told her; no I am starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. I also said that I had lost 25kg, before I woke in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices an I V's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with meaty bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly the Guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her oh no, it was because I had been sitting in the middle of the road licking my Dick and a car hit me.

I thought the Guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the shop door.

Stupid bitch......... why else would I buy dog food??????????????????????????

[Pete.]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?'


'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'.fficeffice" />

[Bill Musarra]

An old Italian lived alone in Chicago . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plantmy tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

[Chris E]

Two women were on their way home after a few drinks and wanted the loo. They hopped over the fence into a graveyard and as there was no toilet paper, one took off her knickers and used those, and the other used a ribbon off a bouquet of flowers.

Next morning, their husbands were talking. The first said ' I'm worried - my wife came home last night with no knickers on! '
The second said ' That's nothing, mine came home with a card up her bum which said ' From all the lads at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you ' !!