Jokes anyone? -

[Malcolm]

Wonder if good old Ron Earp has seen this? and dared shown it to his Julie? :-)

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Happy Birthday Malc!

[Scott]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and h e goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, pickin g up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
_________________

[Trevor Booth]

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi Australia. Ian
> happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
>
> The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'
>
> Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those,
> and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.
>
> Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit
> me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be
> nice to us.
> I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'
>
> 'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'
>
> They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100
> shirts et $4.00 each,
> and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'
>
> The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you!
>
> 'Well... yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
>
>
> The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

[Bill Musarra]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . .. A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)


3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.


4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.


5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Andy Besic]

FIA Announcement;

In a suprising show of sportsmanship, "Today, FIA has ruled in favor of allowing all of the Formula 1 teams to start and run in the Japan and China Grand Prixs even though race stewards have in fact, declared Ferrari the winner of both of these up coming events." When asked for clarification, FIA officials said fairness must be upheld in sport, (Formula 1) and the outcome of the race should have no influence on the outcome of the race.

Whatever THAT means.

[Pete.]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

‘Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[Scott Calabro]

Good one Pete!

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

The climate in the UK is no longer to be known as "British Weather". Instead it will be known as "Muslim Weather" because it's partly Sunni, but mostly it's Shi'ite...

[Bill Bayard]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

Miss Beatrice, he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[Maxiboy]

Following the problems in the financial sector in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan .


In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.


Oh yes, and the Karma sutra bank is f****d

[Simon]

Genius!

[David Lowe]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides
to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell
their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,

"E-G-G".

"Very good", says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. "T-O-A-S-T".

"Excellent."

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

"I had fuck all", he says, "F-U-C-K A-L-L".

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some

rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to

tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from

the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult

question.

Johnny, she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?"

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder
is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got fuck all for breakfast".

[Pete.]

A Priest checks into a Hotel in London and says to the receptionist

"I hope the pornographic movies are disabled"

The receptionist replied.



"No they are all quite normal you sick bastard"

[Pete.]

New Stock Market Termsfficeffice" />




CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer





CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer





BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius





BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex





VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower





P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing





BROKER -- What my broker has made me





STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell





STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock





STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves





MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks





CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet





YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share





WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share





INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse





PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

[Jay V]

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room,