Jokes anyone? -

[The Baron]

BOYS NIGHT OUT PASS




GIRLS NIGHT OUT PASS

[Jack]

Did you hear that Ellen died?
She was found face down in Ricky Lake!

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant!

[Jay V]

Ended up with an older woman at the club bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all.
I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit and then she asked, 'Have you ever had a Sportsman's
Double?'
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and my mind began
to embrace the idea. I said, 'No I haven't had a mother and daughter
threesome.'
We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, 'Tonight is your
lucky night.'
We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and
shouted upstairs, 'Mom! You still awake?'

[Bill Bayard]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a
top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the
majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand
new jet for his birthday'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. Healso gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said,'We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied, 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said, 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied, 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[Peter D]

Zorba The Aboriginal :

This is soooo funny !!

YouTube - aboriginal zorba

[Jay V]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

The Snake and the Bunny<!--colorc--><!--/colorc--><!--sizec--><!--/sizec--><!--fontc--><!--/fontc--><!--colorc--><!--/colorc--><!--fontc--><!--/fontc--><!--fonto:Comic Sans MS--><!--/fonto--><!--sizeo:4--><!--/sizeo--><!--coloro:#c20041--><!--/coloro--> <!--colorc--><!--/colorc--><!--sizec--><!--/sizec--><!--fontc--><!--/fontc-->

<!--fonto:Comic Sans MS--><!--/fonto--><!--sizeo:4--><!--/sizeo--><!--coloro:#c20041--><!--/coloro-->
<!--sizeo:5--><!--/sizeo-->Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny
was hopping through the forest,and the snake was slithering through the
forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This,of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny,

'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan,I
don't even know what I am.'

It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too
have been blind since birth,and also never knew my mother. Tell you what,
maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at
least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,
and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in
senior management.'

[Duncan Potter]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you
need to shut up.


(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes
is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should
be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a no n-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer
back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a
man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when
you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're
welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a
lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're
welcome' .. That will bring on a 'whatever ').


(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying *&amp;%+!*&amp;


(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is
something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's
response refer to # 3.</pre>

[David Morton]

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISE: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for fivecows. The milk rights of the six cows is transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so theylive for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported otherwise.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

[Pete McCluskey.]

David you forgot the Kiwi Corporation, they dont have two cows they have a hundred sheep and they all look attractive.

[Pete McCluskey.]

A sign of the times.

A stockbroker says to his very young and well sculptured wife.

"Why don't you learn to cook, then we could sack the Chef".

She replied "why don't you learn to f##k, then we could sack the Chauffeur".

[Jac Mac]

Originally Posted by Pete

David you forgot the Kiwi Corporation, they dont have two cows they have a hundred sheep and they all look attractive.

I wonder how Pete could speak with such authority on that!!. The insight and knowledge of some Forum members and the places they have been never ceases to amaze me. I think I can understand why Di was so keen to give Ross his beer money now, wonder if she found his little Baa Baa Black Sheep book!

[Pete McCluskey.]

Jac that's why I leave the beer money where it is easy to find. Di stops looking and the black book stays hidden


BILLY……….THE AMAZING SCOTSMAN
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss BILLY The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
the same sign 'Don't Miss Billy The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?.....

''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

[Pete McCluskey.]

How to wash a toilet



This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you

1. Put both lids of the toilet up
And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come fr om the toilet, the cat is
actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.


6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front
door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,

And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.








Sincerely, The Dog

[Pete McCluskey.]

<HR style="COLOR: #666666; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #666666" SIZE=1> <!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a
glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I
am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he
added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
Gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[Pete McCluskey.]

<o:p>When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more
English.

She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different
fathers.

Job done</o:p>

[Jay V]

Health Warning ( This is VERY Important info!!)

[David Lowe]

Horny old man
An older man married to a much younger woman was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. He went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex, that way he’d last longer.
One day as 5pm rolled around, he got a call from his wife saying she was very horny. On his way home, he remembered what the doctor said and decided to jerk off before he got home.
"Well I can't do it in the car,” he thought, “but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing it." So he got under the car, closed his eyes and got busy. A few minutes later, there was a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he didn't open his eyes, but just asked, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" came the reply
"Well officer, I'm checking my axle. I think it’s come loose," said the old man."Well mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes. Your car's two blocks down the road and crashed into a tree."

[Jim Downard]

Thought I'd pass this one along.

HOW THE BAILOUT WORKS!

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now leads the US bank bailout team.

[David Morton]

Wee Irish Daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5
years. Upon her return her father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not
write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye
put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I
became a prostitute.
Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum
this luxuriously fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom
mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.
For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ye
daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to
the country club....(takes a breath)....an invitation
for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new
yacht in the Riviera, and....
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad!
Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! -- Ye scared me half to death,
girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'.
Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
[IMG]aoladp://MA22413135-0001/IrishSingers11.gif[/IMG]