Jokes anyone? -

[The Baron]

Caution - mildly adult

[The Baron]

My favourite pub sign

[Bill Musarra]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?

[Pete McCluskey.]

<HR style="COLOR: #666666; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #666666" SIZE=1> <!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->
This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around.


We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.


I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' I was flabbergasted.


"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have?."


She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.


"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!
Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, teeth the colour of latte and jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.


Then she giggled, "I've put on a bit of weight myself!"


So I told her to f**k off.

[Pete McCluskey.]

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day,

I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[The Baron]

Girly Talk....

The Black Bra
“The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have
been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice,
stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to
meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing
a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask
over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he
didn't s ay a word, but we had wild s3x all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my
eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said
What's for dinner, Batman?”

(had to be a Brit )

[Jim Nielsen]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO Paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could when the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

[Bill Musarra]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs? ''Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am".

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands real good cause I want a cheeseburger.

[Pete McCluskey.]

New Words for 2009

*SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

*TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

*BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

*SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

*SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

*CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

*PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

********SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.

*AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

*PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

*OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

*GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.

*MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

*MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

*MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

*TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

*TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

*PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o:p></o:p>

[Pete McCluskey.]

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
____________________________________________________________ _________
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

[Pete McCluskey.]

Ahead of a friend at the money exchange counter at the local bank, was a very irritated asian lady.

He overheard the following conversation.

"Why it change" she said, "Yesterday I get two hunat dollars for yen, today only hunat and eighty"

"Why you short change me today?.

The teller shrugs his shoulders and says "fluctuations"
The asian lady replied and Fluc you white people as well.





In a recent survey carried out, people from Chicago, Illinois have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.


WHEN Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. He said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. “Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for bees.”

[John Lowe]

Pete

Superb , keep 'em coming; where do you find all this stuff?


Judge to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'

John

[John]

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies still lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'



'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired Hookers, - they're having a garage sale.'

cheers kaspa

[Garry]

The 2008 <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Darwin</st1:City></st1:place> Awards<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o:p></o:p>




Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the coveted Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.<o:p></o:p>




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Here are the glorious top 10 winners:<o:p></o:p>




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1.When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in<st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Long Beach</st1:City> , <st1:State w:st="on">California</st1:State></st1:place>, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:<o:p></o:p>




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2.The chef at a hotel in <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Switzerland</st1:country-region></st1:place> lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.<o:p></o:p>




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3.A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in<st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Chicago</st1:City></st1:place>returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.<o:p></o:p>




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4.After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from <st1:City w:st="on">Harare</st1:City> to <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Bulawayo</st1:City></st1:place> had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.<o:p></o:p>




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5.An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.<o:p></o:p>




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6.A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]<o:p></o:p>




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7.Seems an <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:State w:st="on">Arkansas</st1:State></st1:place> guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.<o:p></o:p>




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8.As a female shopper exited a<st1:place w:st="on"><st1:State w:st="on">New York</st1:State></st1:place>convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'<o:p></o:p>




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9.The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]<o:p></o:p>




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10.When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.<o:p></o:p>




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In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Garry<o:p></o:p>

[The Baron]

A woman walks into a UK Social Security Benefits Office, trailed by 15 kids...
'Wow,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they're all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This un's oldest - he's Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this un.....he's Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terry?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yeah - makes it easier. When it's time to get 'em out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin'. An' if I need to stop kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' an' all of 'em stop. It's the smartest idea I ever 'ad, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'


'I call them by their surnames'

[The Baron]

This is a Wal-mart Cake. Nice isn't it? Until you realise there's something odd about the message.

Suzanne is an insurance claims office and was moving to a new job. Her mates ordered a surprise leaving cake and ordered it via the local Wal-Mart store like this:

"I'd like to order a large cake please, with a personal message on it"

"OK, what would you like to say on it?"

"I'd like to say - Best Wishes Suzanne and underneath that - We Will Miss You"

[John Lowe]

Normally I do not send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards it was a bit touching and I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read it. Hope it touches your heart like it did mine






This is so beautiful...








A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comHis mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that fucking party, you're lucky you don't bark!


John<o:p></o:p>


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[Mike Inglis]

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in
the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two
months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors
didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp
from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that
poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
movement caused him terrible pain.. We prayed as the doctors performed
a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again,
the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed
on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six
weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with
time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something
to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife
that the word is sternum."

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Gordon's donkey

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news... The donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Gordon replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'I can't do that, because I've spent it already.

Gordon said, 'OK then, weʼll just unload the donkey anyway'.

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Gordon answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

To which the farmer exclaimed, 'Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, 'Of co urse I can, I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Gordon said, 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge, fat profit!!'

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'

To which Gordon replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer and then Prime Minister and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!

Pause for thought!

[Dimi Terleckyj]

Three men, a Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden and an Australian are all working together on day when they come across a magic lantern and a Genie pops out.

I will give each one of you one wish, which is three wishes in total, says the Genie.

The Canadian says, I am a farmer and my son also would like to farm, so I wish for the land to be forever fertile in Canada.
His wish was granted.

Osama was amazed and so he said, I want a wall around Afganistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so no infidels, Americans, Canadians or Australians can come into our precious land.
In an instant his wish was granted.

The Australian was also amazed.
He then asked the Genie to tell him more about this wall.

The Genie explains,
It is about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick, surrounds all these countries and is virtually impenetrable, nothing can get in or out.

The Australian sits for a minute thinking then smiles and cracks open a beer then turns to the genie for his wish and says,



Fill the wall with water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dimi.