Jokes anyone? -

[Garry]

David,
The Honorable John Kerry called an actor,who portrayed a pirate...Disney's "Pirates of the Caribbean".........only in America where the politicos are more interested in what the celbrities are saying and thinking than the general public or anyone else who might have a clue.
Garry

[Pete McCluskey.]

I had to ring the bank the other day. They returned a cheque marked "insufficient funds". I needed to know if that referred to me or to them.

[David Morton]

Thanks Garry. Sort of down hill from there?

[The Baron]

Originally Posted by Pete

I had to ring the bank the other day. They returned a cheque marked "insufficient funds". I needed to know if that referred to me or to them.

[Jay V]

Einstein's Theory

Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 129 if he were alive today. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed.









He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.








This came to be known as…









Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'

[Paul Brameld]

Sorry guys, this may upset one or two of you but it is good nonetheless:

A Definition Of Globalisation
Finally, a definition of globalisation I can understand and to which I can relate:


Question : What is the truest definition of Globalisation?

Answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question : How come?

Answer : An English princess with An Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French Tunnel,
driving a German car With a Dutch engine,Driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This was originally sent by an Australian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese Chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Maltese wharfies, and trucked to you by Kiwi freeloaders

That, my friends, is Globalisation!

[Pete McCluskey.]

The Italian Lover and the Blonde

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite
bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,
"So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and admitted,
"No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making
resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams
of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles,
and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles
closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but danged if this woman is going to outlast him, the
young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he
barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man
falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks
into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I'm
Norwegian."





Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!

THERE'S MORE.....

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotchooting..... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!

[Graeme S]

One for our good mates across the pond

Hemi the builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'
The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.
The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him 'I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?'
The builder said, 'Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out front....'

[Garry]

A guy walked into the local welfare
office to pick up his check. He marched straight
up to the counter and said, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter
said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his
beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the
long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips and you will be required to
satisfy her. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above
the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it."

Welcome to the USA
Garry

[Pete McCluskey.]

Just for you Graeme

Prime Munister Helen Clark's husband was jogging near his home in Auckland.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Two hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day, Helen decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Dr. Davis realised she'd bark her $250 offer and Helen would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks, you tight bastard?!"

[Pete McCluskey.]

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Myer hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping'.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).


On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)






On a bar of Palmolive soap:
'Directions: Use like regular soap'.
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: Defrost'.
(But, it's just a suggestion).


On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
'Do not turn upside down'.
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating'.
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body'.
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'.


We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid:
'Warning: May cause drowsiness'.
(And...I'm taking this because???)


On most brands of Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only'.
(As opposed to...what?)






On a Japanese food processor:
'Not to be used for the other use'..
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)






On Nobby's peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts'.
(Talk about a news flash!)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts'.
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:






On a child's superman costume:
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.


On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towardhis seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[Pete McCluskey.]

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly get the urge to fart.



At first you are worried, then you realise that luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.You feel quite proud of your efforts.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus however, you notice that everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realise ...........

.
.
.
.
You're listening to your I-pod!<o:p></o:p>

[David Sturch]

Skill Testing Question: "How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

Answer: "28"

1 - To hold the bulb on the ladder.
2 - To hold the ladder.
25 - To drink until the room starts spinning.
Dave

[Jay V]

An ambitious girl's track team coach starts giving his squad steroids.
Their performace soars, and they go on to win the state championship. The day before the nationals, one of his hurdlers comes into his office.
"Excuse me coach" she says "I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest" "Oh my god" yells the coach "Well, how far down does it go?"
"Down to my balls," she replies. "Thats the other thing I wanted to talk to you about"

[Bill Musarra]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
3rd
grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had, had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down
and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong.....'
</pre>

[RichardH]

police officers for G20 protests wanted



interviews tomorrow morning



come early to beat the crowds

[The Baron]

STOP PRESS!

A charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone in the audience shouted: "He's behind you!"

[Bill Musarra]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy..

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

[Pete McCluskey.]

<HR style="COLOR: #666666; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #666666" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs..

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.