Jokes anyone? -

[Garry]

Pete,
Now that is funny!
Garry

[Brian Hamilton]

Write this down!!!

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1. Shop
Buy the ingredients at your corner store: 2 liters of Diet Coke (warm, diet only because it isn't sticky), one pack Mentos candy (mint), and some rye whiskey (cheap)... Manhattans also call for a splash of sweet vermouth and 2 small dashes Angostura bitters

2. Prep
Fill an ice tray so that each section is half full of water and stick it in the icebox. Once all of the half-ice cubes have frozen, fill them up to the top placing one candy into each cube. Freeze again.

3. Mix
Combine four cubes and 8 oz. of Diet Coke. Top with 2 oz. of whiskey. The Vermouth and bitters are optional but necessary for an authentic taste. Of course, Manhattans don't actually ever make use of cola or soda so authenticity has already been sacrificed to the prank. Might as well just ditch them all together and serve it as a Whiskey & Coke. Garnish with a naive smile and serve. Wait five minutes.

4. Flee
When the ice melts enough to expose the dense candy's gum arabic to the cola, it'll erupt like a fifth-grade science project


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Laters,

Brian

[Jack]

Now, this I have to try........

[Grady]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.'Yeah right!' she says.A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.Amazingly, it also works on him!The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,'I don't know where we were ... or what we did ...but, we took FIRST and SECOND place!

[Pete McCluskey.]

Gold.

[brianstewart]

Scary washing machine. No really, its terrifying! for sale - TradeMe.co.nz - New Zealand

Too funny. Read the questions and answers too....

[Brian Hamilton]

Originally Posted by brianstewart

Scary washing machine. No really, its terrifying! for sale - TradeMe.co.nz - New Zealand

Too funny. Read the questions and answers too....

Dude, funniest damn thing I've read in a loooong time. The Q&A is astonishing. LOL

[Pete McCluskey.]

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.

They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a
basis for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus.

The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.

Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.

[Al Jones]

Will it feature the grill from the Edsel?

[Pete McCluskey.]

My missus said they won't sell because blokes can never find them.

[The Baron]

Originally Posted by Pete

My missus said they won't sell because blokes can never find them.

ANYWAY

I don't know if you got the news today but apparently IKEA have just put in a late bid for GENERAL MOTORS!

Ikea have wanted to get into the car business for years and they are picking up GM for a song.

From August this year, this is how you will buy your GM car..







IKEA will be sticking to their traditional assembly methods and will include all tools needed for the build...

[Pete McCluskey.]

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN............. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com.

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Stolen from a bike forum and not very PC but made me chuckle...

BRAVE MAN JOKES.....

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

and me - still happily married after 22+ years..

[Bill Musarra]

Do you know the difference between an epileptic cornhusker and a hooker with diarrhea?????










The cornhusker shucks between fits!!!!!

[Aaron L.]

The Lion and the Naval Officer



Sam, a U.S. Naval Officer, visits New York City for Fleet Week.
With the afternoon off, he decides to see the Bronx Zoo. Dressing in civilian clothes so as not to attract attention, he blends in well with the other tourists.
As Sam strolls by the lion’s cage, he notices a little girl leaning into the bars, grabbing towards the lion to try to pet it.
Suddenly, the lion snatches the girl by the cuff of her jacket and yanks her against the bars, trying to pull her inside. As the girl cries out in fear, her parents stand by helpless, screaming.
Sam runs to the cage and stuns the lion with a powerful punch square on the nose. The lion jumps back, whimpering, and lets go of the girl. Sam brings her to her terrified parents, who gush an endless stream of thanks.
“Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life,” the girls’ father says.
“Why, it was nothing, really,” Sam replies. “The lion was behind bars. I just saw a little girl in danger and I acted.”
The girl’s father thanks Sam again and says, “I’m a journalist with the New York Times. I’ll make sure your heroics will be on the front page in tomorrow’s paper. So, give me a little background about yourself. What does a hero like you do for a living?”
“Well,” Sam says, “I’m in the Navy, and I’m visiting the city as part of Fleet Week.” He spends the next hour answering the reporter’s questions before they finally part ways.
The next morning, Sam wakes up and rushes out to buy a copy of the Times. The headline on the front page says:
“MILITARY THUG TORTURES AFRICAN IMMIGRANT — AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”

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[Pete McCluskey.]

Doctors say that the best way to avoid Swine Flu is to stop shaking hands.


Michael J Fox must be shi.ting himself.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o:p></o:p>

[Pete McCluskey.]

A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in third-Grade class. teacher asked, "Boy. What is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the third-grade. My sister is in the 5th-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 6th Grade!"

The teacher had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the third-grade and behave. She agreed.

the Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 6th grade should know. The principal looks at teacher and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the 6th grade."

teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.



teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?

Boy, after a moment "Legs."


teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."



:teacher What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut


teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum


teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands



teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent


teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring


teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose



teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow


teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck



teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use urhand.

Boy.: Fork



teacher: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME.


teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to
Cambridge university.
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!".

[flatchat(Chris)]

Strike 2.. senior....

[flatchat(Chris)]

The statue of David has finally been returned to Italy after being on loan to the U.S.
Proudly sponsored by:- Maccas, KFC, Burger King and Starbucks ....

[Pete McCluskey.]

Originally Posted by flatchat

Strike 2.. senior....