Jokes anyone? -

[Al Jones]

Damn!,and I deleted the joke from my file - I'll have to find it and repost again. Let's try another in the meantime.
Caption was : Be glad it wasn't your kid that came home with this!

[Jac Mac]

Al, looks like your jokes are to hot for this website, they have all been X-rated. Probably just as well for the likes of Pete & Dalton.

[The Baron]

PICKUP LINE

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<img src=" /><o:p></o:p>

[The Baron]

Sorry Guys, me again. Couldn't resist.....

HardManToiletPaper.flv video by hard11 - Photobucket

[Gary]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book, ' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading

''Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

[Aaron L.]

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.
Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely
jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make
himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to Hinckley . The staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley,
reports to have intercepted the following:


To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we
are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit
of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus
of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you
for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain
could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon
make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy
and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie
Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

[Pete McCluskey.]

<B><FONT face=Arial><FONT size=2><FONT size=2><FONT size=2><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comA French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English,nouns are <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comdes</st1:PersonName>ignated as either masculine or feminine (e.g. "House"
is feminine, "la maison"<st1:PersonName w:st="on">;</st1:PersonName> "Pencil" is masculine, "le crayon").

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups
-- male and female -- and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to
give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their <st1:PersonName w:st="on">internal</st1:PersonName> logic<st1:PersonName w:st="on">;</st1:PersonName>
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else<st1:PersonName w:st="on">;</st1:PersonName>
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate
later retrieval<st1:PersonName w:st="on">;</st1:PersonName> and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on<st1:PersonName w:st="on">;</st1:PersonName>
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves<st1:PersonName w:st="on">;</st1:PersonName>
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem<st1:PersonName w:st="on">;</st1:PersonName> and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.</SPAN>

<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The ladder to success!<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the
clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there
before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed
into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying
here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued
climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner,
cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On
another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so
bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and
sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed
woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He
climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the
ladder ends, and a latch closes behind
him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy
with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>

[Pete McCluskey.]

A couple had been debating buying a "fun" car for weeks.

She wanted a Ferrari Enzo so she could pass anything in the city.

He wanted a replica GT40, but she seemed set on the million dollar supercar.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.

For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

He is expected to recover....

[Jack]

The World's Shortest Books:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &

HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden

___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J.. Kevorkian

__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

by Ted Kennedy

___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton with introduction

by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow

[The Baron]

How about:

BLACK PEOPLE I HAVE MET WHILST YACHTING

That's pretty short...

[Jim Nielsen]

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him
pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the
second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the
little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right
feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
didn't you say so?" And, once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the
boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.

[Pete McCluskey.]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Ice block and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com</st1:City><st1:place w:st="on">Anderson</st1:place> 's have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!'
- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comStartled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! <o:p></o:p>
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Ice block.'<o:p></o:p>

[Pete McCluskey.]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

[Al Wohlstrom]

This is funny

[David Morton]

1. Teaching Maths in 1970:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is 80% of the price. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is £80. How much is his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the
logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009:
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling license.
He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety
legislation as it’s deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He
has used for over 20 years without incident however he does not have
the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be
a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details
circulated throughout all government agencies.
He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is
such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his
wood to build a camp on his land.
He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an
ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.
While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell
it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of
squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tons of
rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly-tipped
rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is
arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced
£12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government
contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make
£20 profit by hard work, and inevitably give up, sign onto the dole and
live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010:
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their
money on a derivative ofsecuritized debt related to sub-prime mortgages
in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay
a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders
who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy
the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They
undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home,
while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If
questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the
government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they return to
the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again.
The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his
name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500
registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses
are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out andclaim
the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths In 2017:
أ المسجلتبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج
منالثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[David Morton]

duplication

[Pete McCluskey.]

Originally Posted by David Morton

1. Teaching Maths in 1970:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is 80% of the price. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is £80. How much is his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production
is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the
logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009:
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling license.
He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety
legislation as it’s deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He
has used for over 20 years without incident however he does not have
the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be
a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details
circulated throughout all government agencies.
He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is
such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his
wood to build a camp on his land.
He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an
ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.
While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell
it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of
squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tons of
rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly-tipped
rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is
arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced
£12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government
contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make
£20 profit by hard work, and inevitably give up, sign onto the dole and
live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010:
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their
money on a derivative ofsecuritized debt related to sub-prime mortgages
in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay
a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders
who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy
the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They
undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home,
while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If
questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the
government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they return to
the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again.
The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his
name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500
registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses
are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out andclaim
the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths In 2017:
أ المسجلتبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج
منالثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

Crikey David, this is supposed to be the jokes section, not the tell it how it really is section.

[Pete McCluskey.]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough Frequent Flyer Points.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

“Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love .

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

[Malcolm]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[Pete McCluskey.]

A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realises she is a hooker. "I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says.

"Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!" "You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just home-sick."


Little Known Medical Fact


Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh1tty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ar_se and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.



A bloke comes home to find his wife jumping up and down on the bed, she says I went to the Doctor today and he told me I had the breasts of an 18 year old.

He said what about your 56 year old arse, and she said your name did'nt come up.