Jokes anyone? -

[wanni]

One guy, walking out from the tobacconist after having purchased a pocket of cigarettes, he reads the warning written on it:
SMOKING MIGHT AFFECT YOUR SEXUAL PERFORMANCES.
Up setted he goes back, asking:
CAN YOU CHANGE IT FOR THE ONE OCCURING THE CANCER,PLS?

[Pete.]

Subject: Ethical Test
Please consider carefully!
Ethics Test
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper,and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer . . somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
You have two options--you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :




Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[Bill Musarra]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington]
chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, and via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:? Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being which explains why last night, Theresa kept shouting, "Oh My God."

This student received an A+.

[Doug Sainlar]

Love it, Bill!! Want a real world similar story?

While in college I took physics, a class for which I was ill suited. Naturally, soon enough a test came with a question for which I could not provide a reasonable answer, so I simply wrote something to this effect:

"This is one of those problems which is so profound that I am content to leave it to my elders until I am old enough to ask my children."

When I got the test back, there was a big smiley face on the question and I got credit for the answer. The same day the teacher called me in for a conference and suggested I drop the class.

True story.

Dugly

[Pete.]

From the Mark Webber email received today.



TURKISH GRAND PRIXVIEW - UNDERSTANDING PRESS RELEASES
22 August 2007 | 8:35pm

You've had two weekends without a grand prix so here is a handy Red Bull Dictionary to remind you what all those Press Release quotes really mean: a useful Red Bullshitometer to keep with you throughout the race weekend. And don't blame the press officers, because you have to remember that the Press Release is the only thing they produce that their team bosses and you, the media, actually recognise as work! So, without even pausing to optimise our issues, please read on: "We have no plans to change any of our drivers in the near future."
Means: "We plan to change one of our drivers on Monday after the race."

"The car retired with an electrical failure."
Means: "The engine seized, threw a piston and con rod through the side of the block where it cut through the electrical wiring loom, causing an electrical failure."* *If you run a customer engine, under no circumstances can you have an engine failure.

"We do not know what fuel loads the other teams were running in qualifying."
Means: "We are in deep trouble because we are slower than the others, but actually it's worse than that because we are much, much slower than them, as they have enough fuel to run ten laps more than us at the start of the race."

"But the car has very good pace in race trim, so we should be okay for the race."
Means: "Our car is just plain slow, but if we are stuck in the middle of the pack with no chance of overtaking, we can claim we had a competitive car and no one will know we are lying."

"We knew our car would struggle on this type of circuit."
Means: "Our car would struggle on any type of circuit made up of a tarmac road surface laid out with straights and corners."

"I have a very good relationship with my team-mate."
Means: "I am comfortably quicker than my team-mate."

"I have a good working relationship with my team-mate."
Means: "I hate my team-mate. I call him my 'team-hate.' He can't even remember the names of his mechanics, he does hardly any testing, and yet he just turns up and drives the car and is quicker than me. He also has a much prettier girlfriend."

"A difficult first day of practice which saw us struggle to find the right balance on the car. We still need to complete our tyre comparison programme."
Means: "The car is a complete pig and the only balance I'm ever likely to find is the one in my bank account. As for the tyre choice, we'll toss a coin in the hotel bar tonight to decide which one to use."

"Next year, we should be able to challenge for race wins on a regular basis."
Means: "We said exactly the same thing last year, but hope no one will notice that we are repeating ourselves."

Of course, none of these comments refer to Red Bull Racing or Toro Rosso press releases, which are always honest, decent and truthful.

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

ALL very very funny!!

Keep posting.....

[Bill Bayard]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I also just ordered a glass of champagne!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man . "I'm a chicken farmer for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."


"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

[Bill Bayard]

There once was a milkman named Schwartz

Whose cock was all covered with warts.

But girls would play

With his cock anyway

Cause good old Schwartz came in quarts.

[wanni]

One guy needs to make sex, but he is running out of money.
- How much, darling?
- 20 USD
- Too much, I can't afford it.
- How much do you have?
- 3 USD.
- For this ammount I can show you where I made my appendicitis surgery.
- OK, better then nothing.
- Well, come here....do you see that Hospital at the end of the street?
- Yes.
- There.

[Pete.]

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for
me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[Peter D]

No offense meant to any of our members who might be lawyers - after all, they must be used to it all by now !!

--------------------------

These are from a book called Disorder
in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published
by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[Peter D]

When Bill found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly Father dies,he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.

[Kaydee]

A JOKE TO OFFEND EVERY GENDER AND NATIONALITY

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded
by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:


2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman


One month later on these same absolutely stunning
deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following things have occurred:


One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.


The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a menage-a-trois.


The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
alternating visits with the German woman.


The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the
Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.


The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.


The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the
endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman,
and started swimming.


The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
instructions.


The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor
store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the
woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their
stores.


The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly
complaining about her body; the true nature of
feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity
of fulfillment; the equal division of household
chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how
her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated
her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her
mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low
and it isn't raining.


The two Irish men have divided the island into North
and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if
sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after
the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're
satisfied because at least the English aren't having
any fun.

[Bill Bayard]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet", said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal??", he asks.

"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I??"

[Danimal]

Do gay midgets come out of the cupboard?

[Bill Bayard]

A gynecologist decides that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a race car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible.

"200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"

So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the muffler."