Jokes anyone? -

[Pete McCluskey.]

Hahahah Gold!

[Pete McCluskey.]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, It has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex
with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex
with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes."
_________________........................................... ...................................




<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2><HR></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2>A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilise that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganised to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program', with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[David Sturch]

Good One Pete,
You left out that the rower was a Unionized Employee and left out the local union rowing steward, the canoe district steward and the canoe area Chairmain. You can forget the health and safety rep also.
Dave

[DAZPT]

Pete I work in local government and that story sounds word for word how our management (DIS)functions. They must all read the same books.

Darrell DRB
LS1 G50

[Jack]

<SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: normal"><FONT face=Arial>The Plan<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<o:p></o:p>
In the beginning, there was a plan,<o:p></o:p>
And then came the assumptions,<o:p></o:p>
And the assumptions were without form,<o:p></o:p>
And the plan without substance,<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers, And they spoke among<o:p></o:p>
themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pile of<o:p></o:p>
dung, and we cannot live with the smell."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container<o:p></o:p>
of excrement, and it is very strong, Such that none may abide by it."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a vessel of<o:p></o:p>
fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another, "It<o:p></o:p>
contains that which aids plants growth, and it is very strong."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It<o:p></o:p>
promotes growth, and it is very powerful."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This<o:p></o:p>
new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor Of the company With<o:p></o:p>
very powerful effects."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
And the President looked upon the Plan<o:p></o:p>
And saw that it was good,<o:p></o:p>
And the Plan became Policy.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
And this, my friend, is how shit happens.<o:p></o:p>

[Bill Musarra]

Oil or Antifreeze???? What do you think!!! No translation needed.

Oil or Antifreeze?

[Bill Musarra]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back! We can't afford them," orders the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."

That's when the fight started.

[Pete McCluskey.]

Dating could be complicated in the 60's. Dating In 1961

[Pete McCluskey.]

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2><HR></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2>Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.


I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Jonny]

Two blondes are at a garage sale. Blonde no.1 finds an old mirror, looks into it and says: hmm! where have I seen this woman before. Blonde no.2 looks into the mirror and says. Your silly girl.. THATS ME !

[Simon]

Did you hear about the Irish Exorcism?

A mother had to call in the devil to get the priest out of her daughter....

[brianstewart]

The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a solid middle aged Greek lady, and a pretty young Swiss blonde girl with great boobs.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Aussie has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The Greek lady thinks:
The Aussie guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Aussie guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the Greek lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Aussie thinks:
That Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark, she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


The Kiwi thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack the Aussie again!

[Pete McCluskey.]

Originally Posted by brianstewart

The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a solid middle aged Greek lady, and a pretty young Swiss blonde girl with great boobs.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Aussie has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The Greek lady thinks:
The Aussie guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Aussie guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the Greek lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Aussie thinks:
That Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark, she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


The Kiwi thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack the Aussie again!

You realise this means war!

[Pete McCluskey.]

A Kiwi walks into a Sydney unemployment office.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I want to apply for the dole, I hate being on welfare and I'd much rather have a job but I have looked everywhere and just can't find any."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his two twin 21 year old nymphomaniac daughters. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. You'll have a three-bedroom apartment above the garage. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort his daughters on their frequent overseas holidays to Tahiti and the Bahamas. The starting salary is $250,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "No way mate, you gotta be bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

[Bill Musarra]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass!'



His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underpants out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.



'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'



She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

[GT40GoldParts.com]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy ! replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[Pete McCluskey.]

This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?"
The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend."
"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"The man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!"

............................................................ ............................................................ .....
An Australian Love Poem. Who said Australians weren't romantic?


Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

[The Baron]

Originally Posted by Pete

This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?"
The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend."
"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"The man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!"

............................................................ ............................................................ .....
An Australian Love Poem. Who said Australians weren't romantic?


Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

Sigh......

[Pete McCluskey.]

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her but I thought it would be a cheap night for you guys.

[David Sturch]

Here's one.

Rick Mercer and the Toyota Funster.

YouTube - RMR: Funster