Jokes anyone? -

[The Baron]

Medical experts are really worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.

[Jack]

Priceless!

[The Baron]

FOR PILOTS ONLY

Passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. They were getting a little impatient, but the airport staff had assured them that the pilots would be there soon, and the flight could take off immediately after that.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com"You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die." </SPAN>

[Brian Hamilton]

^
LOL!!

[David Morton]

The England football team are playing Hungary this evening. I poste it here because that's a joke in itself until you realise they are trying to charge £40 (about $60) for a seat. If it had been about a tenner I think I would have gone along, though I may have got myself thrown out along with a whole other load of guys who are planning to 'moon' (turn your back and bare you're arse) when the England team comes on. The chorus of boos should be deafening. I think Rooney et all should be paying for the seats anyway.
ps I am not, and never have been, a football fan.

[The Baron]

A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan Flood Relief.

It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."

[Jack]

Brilliant!

[The Baron]

CAUTION ADVISED BEFORE PROCEEDING









A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"

[Garry]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator -
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife
takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'


Garry

[The Baron]

All true! Nice one Garry...

[Garry]

The Yellow Frog

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toad-Racapokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do Johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o:p></o:p>
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Bear-us-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units; you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that”.

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the Yellow Dick Toad!"

Garry<o:p></o:p>

[Paul Brameld]

Originally Posted by slowhand

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator -
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife
takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'


Garry

But you forgot one of the best:

Cricket commentator:

"the batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willie"

said just as the whole commentary box erupted into sustained uncontrollable giggles.

[Pete McCluskey.]

Originally Posted by slowhand

The Yellow Frog

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toad-Racapokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do Johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o:p></o:p>
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Bear-us-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units; you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that”.

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the Yellow Dick Toad!"

Garry<o:p></o:p>

BOOM BOOM

[Garry]

Tom's Scrotum



The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.









Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."


Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.


"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.


The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath."I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."


Garry

[Ian Anderson]

Bedroom golf... Here are the rules of the game.



1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.


2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.


3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.


4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.


5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.


6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.


7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.


8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.


9. Players are encouraged to bring proper waterproofs for their own protection.


10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Possessive players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.


11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.


12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for aesthetically improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. Players may sometimes be asked for their opinion & to help in this matter.


13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.


14. Slow play is generally encouraged and “rushing the hole” is considered bad form. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, when the course owner requests a rapid finish.


15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[Garry]

Ian! Too good mate!
Garry

[Garry]

THE SOUTHERN TEN COMMANDMENTS
Much easier to remember !!!



Ten Commandments
Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten Commandments. Southern Country Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into ' Jackson County ' language.....(No joke, they posted them on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN ).

(1) Just one God.
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's plain an' simple. Y'all have a nice day now, ya hear! And bless your little heart....

Garry

[The Baron]

Levity Time Folks!

When you run out of comedic ideas, Lawyers are always fair game
(only kidding guys - never know when I might need you )

Anyway:

Oxfam realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So an Oxfam volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over £2million, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through Oxfam ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the Oxfam rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken Oxfam rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated Oxfam rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . If I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[Chris P.]

Originally Posted by slowhand

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator -
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife
takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'


Garry

I'm not a NASCAR fan so I don't know if this one was ever spoken, but it sure is asking for it: "Looks like Dick Trickle had an accident in turn 4. Clean up crew is already on the scene."

[domtoni]

From an Airline Pilot. They DO have a different sense of humor.
Pilot Philosophy



The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.


Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.


It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.


The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.


Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.


Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

New FAA motto:
'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'
I give that landing a 9 . .on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.
Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son. This is where the food is."


The three best things in life are:
A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.


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