Jokes anyone? -

[David Morton]

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An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.


A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"


"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."


"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.


The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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[Pete McCluskey.]

A young actor walks into a famous talent agency determined to be signed up.
He bursts into song, tells a few jokes and does a terrific tap dance.

'You're very good' said the agent. 'What's your name?'

'Penis Van Lesbian' says the young bloke.

'Sorry, we'll have to change that for a start'.

'We'll call you Dick Van Dyke'.

[David Morton]

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control children when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Ever since I had my Airline Transport Pilot’s Licence , one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight in the aeroplane during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.


I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, children usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've sent a picture to Keith and he will include it in a subsequent post because I am useless at computers. I took one of my neighbours and his misbehaving son on a flight and took this photograph is just in case you would also like to use the technique. It also works well in fast cars.

[The Baron]

You may have noticed that there was something missing from Dave's post.
Useless at computers? Holy sheet!

I'm not sorry that he's now retired as a senior Airline Pilot

Anyhow, glad to oblige Mr Morton...

[David Morton]

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[IMG]aoladp://MA29542575-0001/ATT00001.jpg[/IMG]
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.


After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'




'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'





'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?'

he asked.




'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'





'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'



'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why I came
here in the first place.'

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[Jack]

You are a bad man!

[Simon]

THE TOASTER

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am, what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,

'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

[David Morton]

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[Dalton Veitch]

Put down your malt David, and concentrate.

[David Morton]

It's a Brunello di Montalcino until the sun goes down. Then ....... well I just opened a bottle of Aberlour yesterday. I don't want it to go off.

[Jon]

Understanding Engineers:

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
---------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea.I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
-------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons
Civil engineers build targets.
--------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have
designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
---------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over,picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[David Morton]

The Halfwit




A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farmhand who's been with me for three years. I pay him €200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her €150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about €10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the halfwit!" said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

[Simon]

David,

Brilliant!

[IAN UK]

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.



The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.



However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.



The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.



The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.



So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.



A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.



As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.



His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'



With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

[David Morton]

A man went to Harley Street, London and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Manchester"
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered, "No sir, the position is in London. Manchester is where the end of the queue is at present."

[David Morton]

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A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"said the farmer.
"No mate, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."










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[Pete McCluskey.]

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<o:p></o:p>

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,<o:p></o:p>
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'<o:p></o:p>
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,<o:p></o:p>
'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'<o:p></o:p>
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,<o:p></o:p>
'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,<o:p></o:p>
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,<o:p></o:p>
'Anybody?'<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Finally,Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,<o:p></o:p>
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,'then turned to Mary and continued.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:<o:p></o:p>
One, you have a dirty mind.<o:p></o:p>
Two, you didn't read your homework.<o:p></o:p>
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'<o:p></o:p>

[Garry]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss
would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to
take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the
Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate
for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
'..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna lovethis....)


She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Garry

[Paul Thompson 'Hooligan']

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .. every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."




ps - nearly 100 pages.... keep them coming....

[Jack]

An elderly man called Keith
Mislaid his set of false teeth -
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.