Jokes anyone? -

[Dimi]

Pete
Even an apology wont cover that lot.
Dimi

[topolino2]

Favorite Joke: "The Retired Postman"

After thirty years of delivering the mail, our postman made his last delivery to the Smiths.
Mrs. Smith met him at the door and asked him in.
Upon entering, Mrs Smith took him up stairs and proceeded to take very good care of him.
After they were finished making love, Mrs Smith said gave him a envelope with a dollar bill in it and said, " When you get dressed, come on down and I will fix you breakfast."
As the postman entered the kitchen he stated " Mrs Smith, I just don't get it. I've been deliveing mail to you for thirty years and you never acked like you knew me."
Mrs Smith replied. "I told my husband that you were about to retire and that it would be nice to do something for you. He told me screw (f___K) him, give him a buck- breakfast was my idea!

topolino2
1948 MG TC
1932 Ford Roadster
1932 Ford Pick-up
1948 Fiat Topolino B

[Peter D]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair





A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters


but always talked about having a son.


They decided to try one last time


for the son they always wanted.


The wife got pregnant


and delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery


to see his new son.


He was horrified


at the ugliest child he had ever seen.


He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.


Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!


Have you been fooling around behind my back?'


The wife smiled sweetly and replied:


'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery..

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair





A woman was in bed with her lover


when she heard her husband


opening the front door.


'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'


She rubbed baby oil all over him,


then dusted him with talcum powder.


'Don't move until I tell you,'


she said, ' pretend you're a statue.'


'What's this?' the husband inquired


as he entered the room.


'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,


'the Smiths bought one and I liked it


so I got one for us, too.'


No more was said,


not even when they went to bed.


Around 2 AM the husband got up,


went to the kitchen and returned


with a sandwich and a beer.


'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.


I stood like that for two days at the Smiths


and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing

I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair





Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.


He looked up and said weakly:


'I have something I must confess.'


'There's no need to, ' his wife replied.


'No,' he insisted,


'I want to die in peace.


I slept with your sister, your best friend,


her best friend, and your mother!'


'I know,' she replied,


' now just rest


and let the poison work.'

[David Morton]

All absolutely brilliant.

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

Subject: Potentially and Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you
kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep
with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a
million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back
to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

[Pete.]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the
clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there
before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed
into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying
here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued
climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner,
cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On
another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so
bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and
sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed
woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He
climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the
ladder ends, and a latch closes behind
him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy
with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[Pete.]

Paolo and Wanni, here is one for you.


Greece v Italy:

A Greek and an Italian were sitting one day, debating who had

the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon".

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum".

The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians"

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire".

And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up

and says... "We invented sex".

The Italian nods slowly , thinks, then replies,

" That is true. But it was Italians who introduced it to

women

[I LOVE GT40- Paolo]

from 1946: (Italy had 45 milions people at the time)

How many citizens has italy?

90 milions !!!!!!

45 milions of fascist before.....and 45 milions of anti-fascist after war..

[wanni]

Not bad at all, Pete.

One italian soldier goes to his Captain saying:
Can repeat to me as I must make in order to make to enjoy my fiancèe?
Have you licked her where she is pissing?
Yes, also all the tiles round, but without result.

[wanni]

A son to his father:
Daddy, big event, today, first time I made sex.
Wow, come and seat down. Tell me.
No, no, my ass is in fire.

[Peter D]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar, and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

[Danimal]

While the Cat's Away
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[Pete.]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb
blonde joke?"!!!

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things...


1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.

4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,

5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in
karate and a very bad attitude!

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;
"Naaaah.............. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Pete.]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the first bat, " Because I bloody didn't."

[Marcus]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:
"It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro"

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly.
Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over.I vant to zpeak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno".

[Pete.]

Excellent Marcus.