Jokes anyone? -

[flatchat(Chris)]

Aaaah, --- Sssh! Don't say anything Pete

[Keith Hardy]

Well since it's already been started then..... I'll....

No, I can't I just cant do it.......

[Pete.]

Originally Posted by flatchat

Aaaah, --- Sssh! Don't say anything Pete

Chris, one could talk about the the number of times Australia has been victorious over the gentlemen from the U.K. in just about every sport played on the planet, but given that victory for them is such a rare thing, I think that dignified silence on our part is in order on this occasion.
So they may enjoy what will be a very, very short time in the sun.

[Simon]

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . and that's when the fight started . .

[Keith Hardy]

Very dignified Pete. However, I would like to post a picture of the All Blacks coming home welcoming party if I may?

[Pete.]

[David Morton]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and
before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.



The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience

[Marcus]

...Top Class

[Mike Trusty]

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while

Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found
there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "Hello - is anyone there?"
"Can anyone hear me?"

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "Australia will win the
Rugby World Cup."

"Thank God" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive."

[Danimal]

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, “What’s the matter?”

The man says, “My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today.”

[Ken Mason]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[Gary Kadrmas]

7 degrees of Blonde:

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said

"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me; ... I know 'em all."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy ... it's W."

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help,
and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

[Jim c]

3 Guys in the pub

Italian
Englishman
Australian

GINO, Tonight I am going home to my Maria, we will have a nice candle lit dinner soft music, and I will whisper sweet nothings in her ear.
I will caress her body with my finger tips we will make love for hours and she will levitate above the bed by about a foot.

WILLIAM. I say or chap that sounds like a smashing idea what what.
I think I will go home and have a meal with the cheese and kisses while listening to Mozart we will make love in front of the open fire and she will levitate about a foot and half of the floor from shear delight what what toddle pip and all that.

BRUCE.
Well I’m going to have a few more of these ales and when I’m pist I will stagger home, I will grab Sheryl and throw her on the bed give her three pumps get of and wipe my penis off on the curtain and she will hit the roof.


We may have lost the football but we do know how to make love.

[Andy]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... " I too have a problem ".
My penis is the same size as an infant and i hope you can deal with that, once we are married ". She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis " .
Sandy and herb got married and they couldnt wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to the hotel suite and they started touching, teasing and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room.
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is" he said............ "8 pounds, 7 ounces and 19 inches long.

Boom Boom...

[Pete.]

THE FRANK FELDMAN STORY

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his *%#!&*$# widow."

[Keith Hardy]

Some of you may have seen this before. Not many stories today make me laugh, but this one did because something very similar happened to me a few years ago....

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know, </