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Old 16th July 2007, 04:43 PM   #1
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Jokes anyone? -

Made me laugh.....

An elderly man had owned a large farm for years.
He had a large lake at the back with lots of fruit trees.
The lake was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did
that anymore.

One lovely sunny day he decided to go down to the lake
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He
took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he
neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was six young women
skinny-dipping, he made them aware of his presence and
they all went to a deep part.

One of the women shouted ! ! to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond
naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Any more anyone?
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Last edited by p thompson; 16th July 2007 at 04:50 PM.
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Old 2nd August 2007, 02:52 AM   #2
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A letter home from a new Australian Army recruit

Dear Mum and Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone ! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin’ !! Ya haz gotta shower though, but it’s not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing !

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez it’s only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock !!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya – like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before EKKA last year ! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of piss !! You don’t even load your own cartridges – they comes in little boxes and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the ‘roo shooting truck when you re-load.

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once – like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got; I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 inches and 15 stone, and three pick handles across the shoulders – and as ya know, I’m only 5 foot 7 inches and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him ‘till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.





I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
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Old 2nd August 2007, 03:14 AM   #3
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

That's not a joke Hooligan it's a true story
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Old 2nd August 2007, 05:39 AM   #4
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through her religion class.

One day her teacher, Sister Mary Ursula, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

Sister Mary Ursula said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and Sister Mary Ursula once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

Then the nun asked a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that darn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Sister Mary Ursula fainted...........
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Old 2nd August 2007, 09:30 AM   #5
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A Farmer and His Mule

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

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Old 2nd August 2007, 05:23 PM   #6
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A Blonde rang the fire brigade and shouted "My house is on fire, please come and help me!!"
"How do we get there luv?" asked the fire cheif.

"Er, Helloooooo...." said the blonde "....In the big red truck of course!"


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Old 2nd August 2007, 05:40 PM   #7
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so ... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends ... They won't be able to believe it either!!!
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Old 2nd August 2007, 06:11 PM   #8
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A grizzled old chief petty officer was on a military flight with two Navy officers. Lunch was served and after taking a bite out of his sandwich the chief looked around for coffee. Not seeing any, he got up and turned to the two Navy officers and sadi he was going for coffee, would they like some. They eagerly agreed and off the chief went. While he was gone, one of the officers spit on his sandwich, winked at the other, and sat back down. The chief returned with the coffee, sat down, and took a big bite of his sandwich. Hearing the snickers from the two officers as they sipped their coffee he said, "You know we got quit doing this crap. You know spitting in sandwiches and pissing in coffee."
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Old 3rd August 2007, 03:40 PM   #9
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete View Post
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so ... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends ... They won't be able to believe it either!!!
Sorry Pete, did it the first try. Did it in both directions just to be sure.
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Old 4th August 2007, 01:31 PM   #10
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Scottish sympathy for the poor kids of Africa.

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the Microphone,

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."





A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd, pierces the quiet:





"Well, f’kin stop doin’ it then!"
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Old 4th August 2007, 08:50 PM   #11
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Whats the square root of 69?

Eight something.
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Old 4th August 2007, 10:32 PM   #12
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

A young Italian man in a traditional family gets married, After the wedding among all the gifts and money is a special gift from his father. He opens the box and there is a beautiful gold plated revolver, engraved with ornate designs. He thanks his father but is a little puzzled.
After the honeymoon he shows the gun to a friend who completely falls in love with it and begs him to sell it to him, he resists for a while but the friend offers him more and more money, and then throws in his Rolex watch with the diamonds around the face...well this is a great deal, he thinks, and trades the money and watch for the gun.
He can't wait to show his father what a great deal he has made, and when he tells the old man he goes into a rage "You are so stupid" he says, and slaps the boy in the head. "what are you going to do when you come home one day and find your wife in bed with another man, point at your watch and say TIme is up"
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Old 6th August 2007, 11:59 PM   #13
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

If men gave advice.
Attached Thumbnails
Jokes anyone? --cad0w3ht-jpg  
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Old 7th August 2007, 07:44 AM   #14
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina,

"I think I'm going to see a dietitian."

Nina asks, "Why?"

Rosy answers, "I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen."

Nina replies, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it,

no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."
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Old 7th August 2007, 02:44 PM   #15
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

- Momi...momi...is it still far America????
- Shut up and swim!
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Old 7th August 2007, 02:46 PM   #16
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

- Daddy, how far is Africa??
- I do not know exactly, but it shouldn't be so far....every morning my african collegue comes at work by bicycle......
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Old 7th August 2007, 02:48 PM   #17
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

Patient - Doctor, I am suffering of premature ejaculation...
Doctor - Ohhh cunt..
Patient _ Ohhh...OOOhhhh......OOOOOOOOhhhhh....
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Old 7th August 2007, 02:57 PM   #18
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

- I would like to see the latest model of gun.
- Please...
- Wonderfull...how much???
- 5.500
- Ohh I would like it so much, but I can not afford it.
- Are you a good shooter?
- The best.
- Look into the binocular, the yellow house, 3rd window from the left at second floor, what do you see?
- A naked woman
- She is my wife
- Sorry
- Never mind....and what else?
- Now a man completely naked as well..
- Good... now that's my offer. You have only 2 shots for killing them, but.... to her directly into the head because she is thick and to him in the bollocks because he is a pig...and you get it for 2.500
- Look, actually I can do the job with only one shot, may I have it for free?
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Old 7th August 2007, 03:08 PM   #19
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

- Boys, 10 birds are on the tree. The hunter shoots and kill 3 of them, how many are left?????You Emily...
- 7 are left, prof.
- Right
From the back of the class..
- Wrong, prof
- Why?
- The 7 which should be standing, are in reality affraid from the noise and they fly away........
- Michael, your are quiet right from some point of view, I like the way you think...
- Prof, may I ask you a question?
- Please Mike, today you are positive.
- 3 ladies are eating an ice cream in the park....one is beating it, the secont is suching it and the third is leaking it........which one of the 3 is married?????
- What do you want I know, Mike.
- Try
- The one who is leaking it, I suppose.
- Wrong, prof, it is the one with the ring on the finger.....but I definetly like the way you are thinking today.......
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Old 7th August 2007, 03:11 PM   #20
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Re: Jokes anyone? -

- Momi, you know.....? The new servant is extremely religious.
- Why honey????
- This morning when you left I saw her on Daddy saying.....Oh GOT...I am comiiiing
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