WANTED!

A tall well built woman with good
reputation,who can cook frogs
legs,who appreciates a good fuc-
shia garden,classical music and tal-
king without getting to serious


(please read lines 1,3&5 only)
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif I read it right through and thought what's he up to now.
Then I read the instructions /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

How about this one:


WARNING - NEW VIRUS !!!

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ), but this is only available for those who can afford it; the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to your friends. If you do not have any friends, you probably have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).

Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE, but may require a more generous application.

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Sorry, just looked at this post and realised I cut'n'pasted the wrong joke.
Doh !!!
So, here is the one I meant to post /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each"

"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Ok Gents..I guess I must throw in my two cents...
A Rabbi was being audited by the IRS, they sent a young kid fresh out of college who was doing his best to look as good as he could on his first assingnment...but try as he might he could not find any descrepancies in the Rabbi's books.
At this point the young agent starts asking questions to dig deeper.
"Rabbi, I see you have a big expenditure on wine here"
"yes we do...we use the wine in our ceremonies, and it is blessed, we can't just toss it out so we recycle it and get free wine from time to time"
"Rabbi, I also see here you use a lot of candles"
"yes again...but they are blessed in the ceremonies and we can't just throw them out so we save the wax and recycle it and get free candles from time to time"
"Is there any other things you recycle"
"funny you should ask"..says the Rabbi with a smile. "we have a ceremony where we remove the foreskin from newborn babies, and we also save them to be recycled.
"but what do you do with those"?
We send them to the IRS, and every few years they send us a little prick like you to look at our books!
Cheers

Re:more funnies WANTED!

pilot Report---------Tech solutions

R:Test flight OK--auto-land very rough
T:Auto land not installed on this aircraft

Read bugs on windscreen
T:Live bugs on back order

R:Evidence of a leak on landing gear
T:Evidence removed

R:Target radar hums
T:Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

R:Something loose in cockpit
T:Something tightened in cockpit

etc etc

Re:more funnies WANTED!

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

Men have two faults - everything they do and everything they say.

We're such a kind and well-meaning species, passionate about things , like GT40s. So why are we so misunderstood?


He, he, he.
Andre 40

Re:more funnies WANTED!

OK, one from the wife

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter what how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Re:more funnies WANTED!

Plus, If a man standing alone in the middle of a forest says something, and there isn't a woman around......Is he still wrong?

Re:more funnies WANTED!

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She
thought she was God, and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare are depending on
me.

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are just missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.

12. NyQuil...The stuffy, sneezy, why is the room spinning,
medicine.

13. God must love stupid people, He made so many!

14. The gene pool could use a touch of chlorine.

15. Conciousness...The annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under
it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when
I grew up!

19. Procrastinate now!

20. I have a degree in Liberal Arts. Want fries with
that burger?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.

23. Studidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS, because Mad Cow was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses three
thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is that there's no background
music.

29. The original "point and click" interface was a Smith
and Wesson.

30. I smile, because I'm clueless.

31. Often mistaken, never in doubt.

32. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

Re:more funnies WANTED!

Thanks, Dave and Bill,

BRILLIANT, VERY FUNNY!

The one outstanding difference between men and women that my wife and other ladies in my life (no I don't mean it that way) tell me is that men continue to play with toys when women don't. True, but if toys like GT40s make life exciting and give the mere male much joy, WHY NOT?

He,he,he
Andre 40

Re:more funnies WANTED!

My wife once told me that, unlike me, she could 'multi-task'.

"That's very true," I said: "You can talk AND p!ss me off at the same time ... "

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

Re:more funnies WANTED!

Holy S**T, I've gotten that "multi tasking" bit before too.

I'll add my own joke to the mix (and it's probably been in some comedian's bit before for all I know but this was an imediate comeback I had for her and I'm proud of it)

After telling me she wanted to "spoon", I said sure, if we could "fork" afterwords.

Re:more funnies WANTED!

Yea! Women can iron and watch TV at the same time /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif now thats impresive.I'll be really impressed when they learn how to reverse into a parking space /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

A dog\'s perspective on changing a burned out light bulb

Dog's responses to being asked to change a light bulb:

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young,
we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside
worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one? When I'm done, I'll replace any
wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know damned well that I can't reach it,
let alone change it!

4. Rottweiler: Make me!

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky
toys in the dark.

6, Labrador Retriever: PLEEEEZE let me change the light
bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Please, please,
please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these
terrified children to safety, check to make sure I
haven't missed any, and make one more patrol around the
perimeter to see that no one has tried to take advantage
of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: Sure! I'll just pop it in, while
I'm bouncing off the walls.

9. Old English Sheepdog: Light bulb? What light bulb? I
don't see any light bulb.

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the
carpet in the dark.

11: Chihuahua: Yo quiero, Taco Bulb! We don't need no
stinking light bulb!

12. Greyhound: If it isn't moving, I'm not interested.

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light
bulbs in a circle....

14: Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and
he'll do it. By the time he finishes re-wiring the
entire house, my nails will be dry.

15: Pointer: I'm running, I'm running, I'm running, I'm
running. Light bulb? I'm running, I'm running, I smell
something, I'm running.......

16: English Setter: I'm running, I'm running. Light bulb?
Let's change it now, so I can get back to running. I'm
running, I'm running........

17: Corgi: I'd love to help you out, but my legs are kind
of short. Could you put the light down here on the
floor for me?

And finally, a cat's response to the same question:

How long before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?

Re:more funnies WANTED!

You all have heard of the perfect woman being 3 feet tall no teeth and a flat head to put your beer on. I added to that about 40 years ago that she not have any vocal cords.
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Re:more funnies WANTED!

Joseph...You forgot two things
At midnight she turns into a six pack and a pizza and her father owns a liquor store

Re:more funnies WANTED!

....and has handlebars for ears /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

Re:more funnies WANTED!

WABBITS

A LITTLE GIRL WALKS INTO A PET SHOP AND ASKS IN THE SWEETEST LITTLE LISP,

"EXCUSE ME, MITHTER, DO YOU KEEP WITTLE WABBITS?"

AND THE SHOPKEEPER GETS DOWN ON HIS KNEES, SO THAT HE'S ON HER LEVEL, AND ASKS,

"DO YOU WANT A WITTLE WHITE WABBY OR A SOFT AND FUWWY BLACK WABBY, OR MAYBE ONE LIKE THAT CUTE WITTLE BROWN WABBY OVER THERE?"

SHE IN TURN PUTS HER HANDS ON HER KNEES, LEANS FORWARD AND SAYS IN A QUIET VOICE,

"I DON'T FINK MY PYFON WEALLY GIVES A PHUCK."

Re:more funnies WANTED!

.

Re:more funnies WANTED!

Been around for a while now but anyway ........