Scottish Diplomacy

David Morton

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Scottish Diplomacy


One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:


'If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Scottish soldiers life, then I have only three things to say; Red is positive, Black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet





Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

You may be a Muslim


2.. If you own a £3,000 machine gun and £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You may be a Muslim


3. If you have more wives than teeth.

You may be a Muslim


4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

You may be a Muslim


5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.

You may be a Muslim


6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

You may be a Muslim


7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You may be a Muslim


8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You may be a Muslim


9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

You may be a Muslim


10. If you find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.

You may be a Muslim

 
The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. “You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
 
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