Two Peanuts Walk Into A Rowdy Bar - Page 2

Rick Muck- Mark IV · 03-31-04, 10:05 PM

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, with an agnostic, with a dyslexic (sp?)?

Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a Dog!!!

(insert David Letterman "I know this joke stinks, but I will keep on it until you laugh out of pity" type action here)

Rick [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif[/img]

Rick Muck- Mark IV · 03-31-04, 10:06 PM

And if you guys continue to post bad jokes better than mine, I wil be forced to lock this thread down! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif[/img]

Rick [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif[/img]

Andre40 · 04-01-04, 12:09 AM

How can you tell that you're getting old?

When your son comes into your bedroom with an er...... and a set of jumper leads.

Talking of which a young nurse in an old age home spoke to 83 year old Jimmy Smith. She asked him if he was happy in the home to which he replied in the affirmative and that he had good friends a great view of the mountain.

He said that the best time of the day was his Ovaltine and Viagra pill before going to bed.

Puzzled the young nurse asked the matron about the Viagra pill. The matron said that the Ovaltine was to help him sleep and the Viagra pill stops him from rolling off his bed at night.

We live in hope.
Andre 40

Hershal Byrd · 04-01-04, 12:10 AM

heeeeee Heee!!!!
Boy, you guys are crackin' me up. OK I'll play along....
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for two martinis. The bartender says hey Mac, you don't need to order two, I'll be glad to bring another when you're done with the first. The guy says "Oh no the second martini is for my best friend and he proceeds to reach into his pocket and pulls out a six inch man.
The bartenders says"WOW is he real, can he talk"?
Sure he can...Hey joe, tell the bartender how you told that
witch doctor to get F*#cked when we were in Africa. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Hersh [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Eric · 04-01-04, 12:44 AM

A dog limps into a bar and says "Im looking for the man who shot my pa"

RobBeddington · 04-01-04, 02:41 AM

A karate expert walked into a bar and says "where's the bartender?"

Ian Anderson · 04-01-04, 05:21 AM

A hunter is sitting at the bar of a hunting lodge drowning his sorrows after an dismal day hunting. A great looking blonde comes up to him and saisy "I'm Game"

so he shot her!

Ian

Ian Anderson · 04-01-04, 05:58 AM

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

Pete. · 04-01-04, 06:46 AM

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks for a beer "I cant serve you" says the bartender "you're Bard."..

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse,when the horse says, "what are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says "no its not that I just thought the Parrot would never sell the place."

And a bloke walks into a bar and says "give me a beer before the trouble starts." After drinking it he orders another saying the same thing, "give me a beer before the trouble starts," The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "when are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers "Now the trouble starts".............
Last one I promise.

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food in here..........

OK last one.... A Kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be ten dollars" says the bartender. "You know we dont get many Kangaroos in here" he says.The Kangaroo says "At ten dollars a beer I'm not F*#*#en surprised...................... [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

roaldin · 04-01-04, 06:58 AM

A man about to enter a bar slips on a dog poo. He gets up and complains to the barman. Another man slips on the same poo as he's about to enter the bar and gets smeared. The first man yells from the counter "I just did that". The second man walks over and punches him.

Tim.

Rick Muck- Mark IV · 04-01-04, 08:00 AM

Patty O'Furniture stumbles home one night from the pub. When he enters his wife asks "Patty, what's that ye've got over your shoulders there?"

Patty answers "Tires, I bought 'em of one of the lads at the pub, they were a frightful good deal"

"Tires? Why Patty ye've got no car and no hopes of gitten' one, why would ye buy tires when ye have no need of 'em?"

Patty replies "Woman, you buy bras!!!" [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Rick [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif[/img]

flatchat(Chris) · 04-01-04, 08:15 AM

A guy on a long haul flight busting to go to the toilet,the gents all being occupied.The hostess pittying his anguish allows him to use the ladies but warns him not to touch the buttons on the wall,so while sitting there,releived -curiosity prevailed and he proceeded to investigate the "buttons" WW (warm water) then WA (warm air) PP (powder puff) very nice ,feeling at ease, finally hits ATR Wammo! wakes up in hospital some time later. W where am I??then the nurse responded with,remember the ladies toilet and the warning, well ATR is automatic tampon removal and your dick and balls are in the brown paper bag under the side table.
Uh Oh!
[img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

**jimbo** · 04-01-04, 09:32 AM

Quotable quotes dept: from Charlie, aged sixty last week..
"What I missed in Viet Nam, I made up for in my marriage..."

Bill Bayard · 04-01-04, 11:57 AM

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our cooling off period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore that I'd never talk to you again.
But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now, I see that my pride cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingo's, and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but to illustrate the depth of my depression. She was young, maybe 19: with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit! Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case,
yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty,
shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack! She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career or whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and never used it as a sex toy."

On Saturday, your sister dropped by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but
she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a really good friend to me during this painful time.
She's been giving me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So, we're doing Jello shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can think of is how much she looked like you when you were
18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out that Vicky's really into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances
and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same, please, please, please let me know,
otherwise, can you let me know where the friggin remote is?

Love,

Dan

Ian Anderson · 04-01-04, 12:19 PM

BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus): Your whole
computer goes down.

DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t
care.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but it will be back.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Brett James-McCall · 04-01-04, 12:47 PM

Can't believe no-one posted this before, but I felt it had to come:

Horse walks into a bar, Barman says, "Why the long face?"....

Hershal Byrd · 04-01-04, 01:12 PM

A man came home and told his wife to start packing. He told her he just won the big lotto pot. She gets all exited and says "should I pack for a warm or cool climate"?
The husband says "I don't care just pack up and get out."

Hersh [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Bill Musarra · 04-01-04, 05:05 PM

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush happen to meet in the same barbershop. The barbers cut their hair and give them a shave, but not a word is spoken for fear of getting into politics. When the barbers are finished Clinton's barber says: "Would you like some aftershave lotion?"
Clinton replies: "No!!! Hilary will think I've just come from a whore house."
Bush replies to his barber: "Go ahead, Laura's never been to one"
Bill

Ian Anderson · 04-02-04, 07:46 AM

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Ferrari advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in ultra-high-resolution mode.
The young man then opens the digital photo in jpeg format to AdobePhotoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour,150-page report on his miniaturised HP LaserJet, turns to the shepherd and says:
“You have exactly 1,586 sheep”.
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep,” says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”.
“You’re a consultant,” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?” “No guessing required,” answers the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you know f**k all about my business. “Now give me back my dog.”