Two Peanuts Walk Into A Rowdy Bar

[Ian Anderson]

Re: The best divorce letter ever written!

A crusty old artillery colonel found himself at a gala event downtown hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me sir but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself.

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The colonel looked at her and replied, "1954."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so serious I mean no sex since 1954 - that's a little extreme."

The colonel, glancing at his watch said in his matter of fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's not but 2110 right now!"

 

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

Re: The best divorce letter ever written!

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer are all riding in a car when the engine suddenly quits. The Mechanical engineer states "I think it is a fuel problem". The electrical engineer says "I am sure it is an ignition problem"

The computer engineer says "lets all get out of the car and get back in and try it again!!"

Alt.ctrl.del!!!!

Rick /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[roaldin]

Re: The best divorce letter ever written!

My friend and I are walking down the road of his village. He turns to me and points at the fishing boats in the harbour. He says "Do you see those boats down there in the harbour? I built those boats. Do they call me Pedro the boat builder? No.
Do you see those fish piled on the wharf? I caught those fish. Do they call me Pedro the fisherman? No.
Do you see those buildings over there? I built those buildings. Do they call me Pedro the builder? No.
Do you see those fields over there? I cleared those fields. I worked those fields until they produced grain. Do they call me Pedro the farmer? No.
But I f**k one donkey...

Tim.

 

Hi All,

Not a bar joke but I'm sure it'll be OK!

In the days when it was Datsun and not Nissan a problem arose.

At the Tokyo assembly plant the manager of the gearbox supply division suddenly discovered that certain gears cogs had not been ordered. He realised that as the 1600cc models were coming off the assembly line at an alarming rate there was a strong chance that soon there would be a yard full of cars without gearboxes.

PANIC STATIONS! There was a huge parts depot at Osaka (I'm not sure that the cities are correct - I'm making it up as I go along!) where the gearbox cogs and parts were stored. The company Lear jet was summoned and the pilot and co-pilot were instructed to fly to Osaka as fast as they could to collect the necessary cogs.

As the plane landed a horde of mechanics dressed in white overalls and red baseball caps rushed in and stripped out all the seats which they parked on the runway. The gears were packed in synthetic nylon bags to maximise space otherwise crates would have taken up too much space. The bags were packed into the fuselage like sardines in a can.

The Lear jet took off and as the pilot was intent in getting back to Tokyo in double quick time he didn't even reach ceiling but flew low over the countryside with throttle wide open. In the rush no one gave thought to the question of the weight of the load and as the Lear was screaming over a rice paddy fields the belly ripped open along its entire length. As the synthetic nylon bags dropped out they were torn to shreds in seconds at a speed of a few hundred miles per hour. Thousands of gears started falling to earth.

Down below two rice farmers had witnessed the drama. One turned to the other and said,

'Ha, I see it's raining Dats and Cogs!'

One gets shot for that kind of joke, but luckily I'm far from most of you!!

Have fun,
Andre 40

 

And then there was the guy living in South Afica who wanted parts for his Nissan Bluebird. He was told that he could only get them from the President, Nissan Maindealer...

Rob

 

Hi Rob,

He,he,he, good one! I'll pass it on to by buddies at Nissan South Africa. Many jokes about Nelson Mandela which I believe he takes good naturedly in his stride. Truth being stanger than fiction his loyal PA is a blonde Afrikaans speaking girl, Zelda le Grange, who is from former 'enemy background'. A bit like Chris Melia being married to a Russian lady. Someone once said, 'To hell with 'Dallas' - life is a soap opera!

Many of the above jokes I've already heard around town, further proof of the global village in which we live.

In the past many people have asked from whence the jokes come (you can't say 'where they come from' because a preposition is a bad word to end a sentence with!).

Theory is that many jokes have originated in the City of London at Lloyds where young brokers traditionally had to queue to place business. I don't know if this tradition still applies, but legend has it that these young intelligent guys get bored queueing and than all the banter and jokes start along the line, which then go around the world.

Urban legend or fact? Your'e a well-informed person - opinion please.

Best wishes,
Andre 40

 

Hello Andre - you have a PM.

Not sure about the Lloyds joke connection, and I worked in the City for a little while (as a lowly bank clerk).

However, on the topic of Lloyds, a female singer finishes her set, walks across to the bar and brags to the barman in a loud voice: "Honey, two years ago, I insured my lips with Lloyds of London for £1,000,000."

There is a hushed silence across the bar. Then the bartender leans forward and says quietly: "So what did you do with the money...?"

Rob

 

[JBarryDavison]

OK OK the Tarmac one reminded me .......

A lump of black Tarmac goes into the bar.
He's really throwing his weight about, bragging about how tough and hard he is and generally giving it large.
"I'm the toughest Tarmac" etc etc "I'm so hard I'm your worst nightmare" etc etc.
Everyone is scared.
Then suddenly a lump of red Tarmac bursts through the door and goes up to the bar, and the black Tarmac runs away and cowers in the corner of the room.
The red Tarmac has his drink, gives a real tough look around the room and then leaves.
The black Tarmac returns to the bar and continues, when the barman plucks up the courage to say to him.....
"I thought you said you were the toughest thing around, really hard and all that. What were you doing hiding in the corner just now ?"
To which he replied "Yeah sure I'm real tough, but that red Tarmac, you got to watch him, he's a f***ing CYCLEPATH !"

Tee Hee

Bee Dee

 

If a person who loves reading books is a bookworm, is a person who loves watching video-tapes a tapeworm???

 

A fella was a real Yamaha enthusiast and he'd only ever owned and ridden Yamahas. His study and garage walls were plastered with Yamaha posters and memoribilia, Kenny Roberts, Eddie Lawson ,etc, etc.

Only problem is that he had an usual afflication - whenever he farted it would go 'PFrrrrr - H-O-N-D-A!'

His pals at his local bike club would tease him relentlessly about his problem and he developed such a complex that he went to doctors and specialists one after the other but to no avail.

One day when he had tooth ache he went to his dentist and as he sat down in the chair, now really desperate, he told the man about his unusual problem. The dental man the took x-rays and said that he had a massive abscess above one his upper teeth.

Then the doctor said, 'I think I have the answer to your problem - Abscess makes the fart go Honda'.

 

[Tim Kay]

A blind man entered a ladies bar by mistake. He found his way to a barstool and ordered a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately fell absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - since you are blind - that you know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight
lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

 

A fella called Master Earl,
Got this website into whirl
On a forum meant for car
He told a joke about a bar
Many stories followed from near and far
Some amusing
Some confusing
But if Ron Earp has his way
The GT40 will again win the day.

Shakespeare 40

 

[Ian Anderson]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv".

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks . . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

>Yep, that's right, well . . . sort of right . . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah.

"Yep, fish . . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right,you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check".

Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether . . . . . .
...........................
........................
..........
.................
..............
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

A bloke walked into a bar and ordered a triple Scotch. The barman served it and the guy downed it in one gulp and ordered another. "wow" said the barman "something bad must of happened." "Yeah" said the bloke "I got home from work and found my wife having sex with my best friend". "Bad news" said the barman."What did you do?" "I told my wife to pack her bags and get out, told her we were through"."What
did you say to your best friend"? Asked the barkeep.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said, BAD DOG"!!

 

[flatchat(Chris)]

As all the animals and critters were being loaded on the Ark,the male of the species had to relinquish their genitals for which they were given a receipt. "None of that messing about on this boat." Some time went by as they endured the voyage,Mr rabbit became noticably agitated and anxious while frequently peering out the port hole ,so the now affectionate Mrs rabbit enquired "Whats up with you?" Mr rabbit responded with."I can't wait till we hit land again 'cause I've got the horses receipt"
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif.

 

[Ian Anderson]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me”, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
“Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good” said the first bat, “because I f..king didn’t!”

 

[Ian Anderson]

OK Last one before Easter

A bloke goes into a bar and thay are running a competition with a great prize for the person who did the best pun.

This bloke thinks for a while and jots 10 down - then thinks "If I enter 10 I'll have a better chance" so he duly did.

Regrettably "No pun in ten did"

On that sad note have a great Easter

Ian

 

An old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling for my wife."

The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call your wife at home?"

"Lard ass."

 

[Rick Muck- Mark IV]

A guy goes into the confessional and tells the priest "I have come to make my last confession before I am excommunicated"

The priest says "My son, why will you be excommunicted?"

The guy says "I had sex with my wife"

"So" says the priest, "the church allows that, what makes you think that is a sin?"

"Well" says the guy, "my wife and I have not been close for some time and the other day as she bent over to pick up a sack of potatoes, I was overcome with passion and I took her right there on the floor"

Priest replies "Son, that is no sin, the church encourages relations amoungst married people! Why do you think we would throw you out of the church for that?"

"They threw us out of the supermarket!!!!!" /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

 

[Ian Anderson]

A Blond walks into a bar - really harassed and orders a drink and exclaims her car is giving no end of trouble.

A bloke stands up and says I'm a mechanic - give me the keys and I'll have a look.

10 mins later he reappears - "Sorted - just shit in the carb!"

Oh says the blond - "How often do I have to do that?"