a mechanics tale

This what happened to me today.
It was so funny that I had to share.

Jim
Working on a car

Pete a customer
Turns up ,gets out of his car.
Rocks the car side to side.

Jim
Thinks to himself
Self Pete has a suspension noise.

Pete
Jim I have this noise in my car, a squek.
It is random ,some days it is there then it is gone for days.
Can you have a look.

Jim
Interigates pete about noise.
Lets go for a drive.

Jim
drives car steering side to side ,the squek is odd because it goes on for a long time on larger radius corners.
Pete the noise is in the cabin area behind us.

Pete
yes that is what I recon but I cant find it.

Jim back at shop looks in the back of the station wagon and notices a vacuum cleaner.
It is a cheap arse one with plastic wheels .

Jim moves the said clener and its wheels squek.

Jim
Puts his arm around Pete shoulder.
Pete you should prepare yourself because this is going to be real embarrasing.
Its the wheels on your vacuum cleaner.

Pete
Your fucking kidding me.
Fuck

Jim
pisses his pants with laughter.

Pete
You cant tell Penny (his wife) about this.
Fuck.
That explains it I dont have the cleaner in there all the time.
When it is I get the squek.
you better give me a bill as I have waised your time

Jim
So if there was an invoice what would you want on that.
Rectify noise in rear of Toyota
Or
Lube wheels on vacuum cleaner.

Jim and Pete both piss there pants.

Jim
You have been to much fun I cant charge you.
One thing you have to promise is at christmas dinner with the family you have to tell this story.

Pete
Yip I will.

This meeting with Pete made it worth while going to work today.
Jim
 

Dave Bilyk

Dave Bilyk
Supporter
Very funny Jim,
noise can be a very confusing thing. Could be the start of a thread on noise related funnies. Heres mine;

We had a call from a borough council who had a noise issue.
A farmer had complained that there was a noise in his house that he believed was coming from a water pumping station across the other side of his field.
I said, ok I can come down to investigate, when do you want me?

council; 'Ah well, we need to wait because it's dry at the moment, and it only happens in wet weather.

me; 'Oh I see, that's strange, why does he think it is the pumping station if its the other side of the field?'

council; 'Well he thinks that it is coming through the rock strata because the pumping station is underground, and the noise is loudest in his cellar.'

me; 'That is weird, ok then give me a call next time it happens and I'll investigate.'

So a few weeks later, I got the call, and took a flight with my gear from Scotland to the Midlands, then a hire car to the farm.

The farmer was away at work, but had fully briefed the housekeeper who was familiar with the noise.
So I started by taking noise measurements at the pumping station, a good half mile away. It was quiet and unobtrusive, so if it was the noise source, some interesting and unusual phenomenon must be involved.

So, on to the farm to have a listen and interview the housekeeper, yes the noise is only there in wet weather and is noisiest in the study and the cellar.

I went down to the cellar and listened and recorded noise, the only noise I could really identify was the higher pitched noises from small motorbikes on the road 1/4 mile away.

So no noise present, but my curiosity was aroused. I looked carefully around and as I came up the cellar stairs, I noticed a 2 or 3inch diameter pipe above going from one side to the other. It was an unsupported span and responded to a tap of the hand quite well with noise as it vibrated.

So I then sat the housekeeper in the study, said 'does it sound like this?' and twanged the pipe.

housekeeper; 'yes that's it!, what is it?'

me; 'well it seems to be your heating system, this pipe needs a support here at the centre of the span, and perhaps the system needs bleeding too. I will write my report to the council and they will contact you'

The housekeeper was most pleased, and rewarded me with a pannier of mushrooms, and a couple of Bantam eggs that she said would be very tasty.

So I went back home with a chuckle in my heart, wondering what the councils response would be when they got the report and the bill for the job and travel expenses.
 
I had a similar one (to the OP) this weeked. My mother, who is 85, but still zooms around town in an Opel hatchback I bought some years ago, brought her car to my house complaining of a "rattle at idle". I took it for a drive to discover the rattle was coming from a casserole dish/lid she had in the passenger footwell!

Still, rather that than the usual story with a non mechanical person, when you drive their car for some reason, it's falling apart and they say "It's been like that for ages"

Cheers

Fred W B
 

Brian Hamilton

I'm on the verge of touching myself inappropriatel
I had a customer come in to the Firestone shop I worked at in Austin.

Customer:
My AC doesn't work. I turn it on, I hear the fan going, but nothing's coming out of the vents.

Me:
Ok, no problem. We'll get it checked out for you. Can you leave it with me, my AC tech is finishing one up now and I'd hate to have you sit here for an hour or so.

Customer:
No problem. Here's my number, call me when you know what's up.

2 hours later

Tech:
Hey, on that Mercedes with the AC problem... He closed his vents. I opened them. Charge him a half our for being a moron.

Me:
*Dials Customer*
Hello, this is Brian at Firestone...

Customer:
Yes, what did you find out?

Me:
You closed the vents on the dash, everything's good now. We opened them for you.

Customer:
...

Me:
Hello?

Customer:
Wow, I'm an asshole... What do I owe you for being stupid?

Me:
$34.95 sir.

Customer:
Yeah, I deserve that. Hahaha
 
HaHa
I like that one Brian :)

I got one....well more than one.... but this will do for now.

At the time I am a service writer for a high end body/paint repair facility, which attracts a certain mind set of clientele (Porsche, Merc, Ferrari)

Customer comes to pick up his "it's going to be a collector car" sporty Mazda RX7 or something.
Me to myself (Sure it is)

Customer pays bill and runs off to his precious..
He jumps in car which is parked nose first towards a curb and grass median.
Starts car and immediately launches the car over the curb so it is now rocking gently on top of the median.

Customer comes storming back into the office - I NEVER leave may car in gear! You're paying the bill on this one.

Me to myself (Sure we are)
 
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Had an old Jaguar XJ sedan with a "clunk" noticable on turns. After exhaustive and negative result searching, I gave up. About four months later a guy creased my
passenger door in a parking lot. It was far less expensive to replace the door from a wrecking yard than through insurance as the gent (who was really nice about the incident) was paying for it anyway. When I removed the damaged door I heard the "clunk". Subsequently, after the door skin was ripped off I found a coke bottle that had been intentionally left there as it had marked upon it written these words: "try to find me mate"! Obviously "installed at the factory"!
 
Back around 1990 or so, a friend of mine had a beauty of a car - a 1979 323i (they were only available in Europe - not the USA) and the engine was heavily modified - gobs of power and sounded sooo beautiful, stiffened and much lowered suspension. Anyway, he had done an autocross and for the next few days kept hearing something coming from the rear, more in left hand turns then in right hand turns. He finally jacked it up to take a look and found a full size bright orange traffic cone wedged way up in the wheel well. It was amazing that it even got up there at all...
 
I've found a hair comb in windshield sealant , that was put there when the car was built , and was causing leaks .

A slide-bang on hard acceleration , then again on hard braking , in a FireBird ;
Found a bottle in the rocker panel . V8 bottle in a V6 car , "could a had a" written in marker above the label .

A horrible smell in an amazing Isuzu Trooper II ; found a nasty flip flop on the back side of the heater core .

But the real treasures are the sounds the customers make :
One customer said her car was pooting out the little pipe , referring to a miss-fire /backfire from the tailpipe .
 
Old Holden pulled into the shop once, old fella that owned it had been refered to me by a guy at the service station, had a noise that sounded like a bird chirping at idle, that increased with mild increase in RPM.. it had a fresh recond short block fitted before it left his home town on holiday... after a couple on non effective checks I pulled a plug lead off while it was running, the misfire induced also killed one of the 'chirps', try same thing on all other cyls with same result.... car was performing well, no dramas other than this sound... after a coffee & some severe head scratching I suggested that I whip the head off......And a slightly oily deposit @ the same point on each piston gave it away.... all the ring gaps were dead in line on all six pistons.. whipped the pan off, shoved the pistons out the top, repositioned the rings, then put it back together, chirps all gone!:)
 
Ive come across a few curly ones in my day but the one that stands out was my dear departed step father who was a VW nut finaly, after owning heaps of secondhand ones bought a brand new 1500 from the then dealers and assemblers in Otahuhu called 5 Star motors , anyway it had a rattle in the engine at certain revs, after many trips back to them they could hear it but couldnt find it, in the end a new engine was fitted and a few days later Dad got the call, they found the source of the rattle, a 10mm ring open ender lying in the crankcase.
and ive still got it, good old Stahwhilly
cheers john
 

Dimi Terleckyj

Lifetime Supporter
Hi All
I install electronic security systems.

I received a call from a customer saying that the alarm system was beeping about every 30 seconds but no warning lights were coming up on the codepad

I then said to her that it sounds more like a smoke detector battery going flat rather than something to do with the alarm.
She insisted she didn't have any smoke detectors and that it was the alarm and that I attend and rectify the problem.

I arrived at her house and sure enough there was a Beep but not from the alarm.
I traced the beep to her linen cupboard and under some towels was a smoke detector in a box she had bought some time ago but never installed and the battery was going flat.

She was not happy about the bill for the service call insisting that because it was not a repair to the alarm system she should not have to pay but in the end she did but not without a fight.
Customers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dimi
 
I used to work for a very small software company, so even though I was a programmer, I occasionally answered the phone. One day, I answered the phone and it was a customer with a question. Off the top of my head, I didn't know the answer, but I told him that the information he wanted was in the appendix of the manual. The next thing I hear over the phone is the sound of the customer removing the shrink wrap from the manual (previously unopened).
 
I once had a buzzing in my '92 M5 at highway speeds. When I got off throttle, the noise would disappear, and reappear as soon as I got on throttle. Seemed to be coming from the dash area. I'd drive along, trying to crane my neck to get closer to the dash, while keeping one eye above the dash to make sure I didn't T-bone somebody. I got the wife to do the same while driving - "yes dear, I hear it, but I can't tell where it is coming from".

I contemplated having her drive the car while listening with a stethescope to determine where in the dash the noise was coming from. I'd emptied the ashtray of coins, assorted objects, to no effect. Drove me friggin' bonkers!

One day I was driving along a two lane road at 55 mph, with the noise going, when I came upon a slower driver. My anxiety at driving 54.9 miles per hour forced me to pass him. Since the 3.6 liter engine needs some revs to move a 3800 pound car , I reached down grab the stick, an anticipation of dropping into 3rd gear.

Low and behold, the noise went away. I checked it a few more times, just to be sure - Yep, it was the shift knob vibrating on the stick! Great excuse to buy a machined aluminum gear knob.
 
My mechanic Mick Jones and I were at a race in Portland Oregon. I was off taking care of the entry paperwork and Mick was tending my trusty OW01/1000 Yamaha in his usual fastidious manner. First practice rolls around and we fire the beast up, she starts right up, All is apparently normal - engine running fine and ready for the fight - I get on course but she won't rev at all with a load on the engine. I nurse the bike around trying my best to stay the hell out of the way. Back in the pits there is much head scratching, checking this and that .... but...nothing external is amiss. Well, now it's time to start pulling the engine down as nothing else is left.

Fortunately Mick started with the carbs - he popped the rack of 41mm downdrafts off and just stared down the intakes in disbelief..........there......... there before his saucer sized eyes were four nice new shop rags stuffed amazingly tight into each of the four intake manifolds.

How that engine showed ANY signs of life much less actually starting has always been a mystery. One thing is for sure, I never questioned the heart of that engine in any way after that.
 

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My mechanic Mick Jones and I were at a race in Portland Oregon. I was off taking care of the entry paperwork and Mick was tending my trusty OW01/1000 Yamaha in his usual fastidious manner. First practice rolls around and we fire the beast up, she starts right up, All is apparently normal - engine running fine and ready for the fight - I get on course but she won't rev at all with a load on the engine. I nurse the bike around trying my best to stay the hell out of the way. Back in the pits there is much head scratching, checking this and that .... but...nothing external is amiss. Well, now it's time to start pulling the engine down as nothing else is left.

Fortunately Mick started with the carbs - he popped the rack of 41mm downdrafts off and just stared down the intakes in disbelief..........there......... there before his saucer sized eyes were four nice new shop rags stuffed amazingly tight into each of the four intake manifolds.

How that engine showed ANY signs of life much less actually starting has always been a mystery. One thing is for sure, I never questioned the heart of that engine in any way after that.

That sucks... same thing happened at a race shop I used to work at - and it happened at the Runoffs! (National Championship races for SCCA) - this was a formula ford race. This happened the year after I left the shop for my engineering career. We would put tape over the carburetor when the bodywork is off to keep crap from falling in - just like you rag method. As has happened before, the tape was accidently left on. Problem this time was that this was the driver's very first national championship race AND he qualified second or third, I can't remember. He was so excited and ready to battle out his first national championship. *Sigh*... he rolled in after the first lap (which that alone spells your doom in a Formula Ford race), and after removing the bodywork the tape was found. I am sure glad I wasn't that mechanic....
 
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