Jokes anyone? -

[David Lowe]

A Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.......

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with
delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

Yuck!:laugh:

 

[Bob Fechter]

What the Fire Chief Said! Priceless!

---- Much deleted ----

The Fire Chief said, "They were at work."

 

[Keith]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I think that should be removed. :thumbsdown:

 

[Robert May Eng.]

 

[Grady]

Michael Douglas sparked a firestorm recently claiming that he caught throat cancer by giving oral sex to his wife.


It begs two obvious questions:

Is this a sound medical diagnosis, or,

is Michael Douglas just the latest Democrat to blame everything on Bush?

 

[Peter Delaney]

Someone once asked me, “What is your job?"

I replied, "I am my wife's sex advisor."

Visibly shocked, he said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple: my wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it!”

 

[Danimal W]

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

 

[Bob Fechter]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I think that should be removed. :thumbsdown:

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16aUPT9LEms]Garmin 2008 60 second Super Bowl Commercial - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Brian Kissel]

Not to make this into something it isn't, but I seen nothing racist about Mr. Fechter's original post. I read it in full shortly after it was posted. He was not picking on any one race in particular. After living in several places in the US, it looked more like fact than fiction to me.

Time to move on to the next joke I guess.

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

I went to a Muslim strip show the other night. Everyone was shouting
"Show us yer face".

I got kicked out of my local Mosque the other day! I walked in when they were praying and
Well I just couldn't help myself........I LOVE LEAPFROG!

 

[Nick]

A Man Who Boozes
An Irish Poem of Unknown Origin

It was a year ago, September
a day I well remember
I was walking up and down
in drunken pride
when my knees began to flutter
and I fell down in the gutter
and a pig came by and lay down by my side

As I lay there in the gutter
thinking thoughts I could not utter
I thought I heard a passing lady say,
"You can tell a man who boozes
by the company he chooses..."
And with that, the pig got up and walked away

 

[Bob Fechter]

If this offends blonde people, go ahead and remove.

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said,
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly can't wear glasses."

 

[flatchat(Chris)]

Aw shite

 

[Bill Musarra]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

 

[Keith]

A Religious Joke. No Roman Catholics were harmed in this process..

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went
to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in
the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

[Larry L.]

A Religious Joke. No Roman Catholics were harmed in this process..

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went
to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in
the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

Now, I don't care WHO y'are - 'at thar's funny right thar! (Apologies to Larry the Cable Guy)

 

[Ian Anderson]

Male vs. Female Logic

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay for a beer?
Man: £3, which includes a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs £3 and you have 3 a day which puts your spending each year at approximately £3300. Correct?
Man: Yes, correct

Woman: So if in one year you spend £3300 on beer, the past 20 years puts your spending at £66,000, not accounting for inflation. Correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a high interest savings account, and after compound interest
for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

 

[Pete McCluskey.]

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and
an American Police Officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.

You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?



ANSWER:



Australian Police Officer:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?

9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?

11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself? .

14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?



Canadian Police Officer:

BANG!



American Police Officer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

'click'...Reload...

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and
an American Police Officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.

You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?



ANSWER:



Australian Police Officer:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?

9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?

11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself? .

14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?



Canadian Police Officer:

BANG!



American Police Officer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

'click'...Reload...

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!